AAAHH...September...

Aaah...Autumn is near...

This is arguably the most glorious month of the year. Why is that? Well, there are several reasons that back up my claim. No, my birthday is not in September, which of course I appreciate that being your first thought. I was conceived in September, though, which I found out myself with simple math logic and am now scarred for life (Dad's birthday was nine months before mine and my sister's...do the math; sorry sis, but you can't escape the facts). Technically my creation began this month, so we'll just go ahead and add that to the list you're about to sort through. I could end the list with that, but my head is swollen enough as it is, given my ego and everything. Most of us can agree that more than one of the items listed make this an amazing month:

• As I mentioned, yours truly was brought into existence
• Weather begins to cool down
• Kids go back to school
• Baseball season is wrapping up, playoffs are coming soon
• Football season begins

No need to further discuss the first thing, I'm sure we're all in agreement there. First, we'll cover the weather. It's always funny when it's hot out and you "can't wait until it gets cold again", or that it's too cold and you "can't wait until it heats back up." I personally like it better when it's chilly out. Hell, you can always put more layers on, but when it's hot out, you can only take so much off before you're arrested for public indecency. I've been there, trust me (actually I haven't, so you can breathe a sigh of relief, mom). Honestly though, I am so anxious for this humidity to go away. The temperature wouldn't feel nearly this bad without the dense, chewable level of moisture in the air. I hope it's not just me that appreciates the jeans, t-shirt and hoodie weather that is soon upon us. Plus, cooler weather gives you just one more reason to stay in and be lazy. You have less lawn maintenance to worry about (aside from falling leaves, but that's manageable to me) and there are plenty more things indoors you've been putting off that you can finally force yourself to get done (like painting, moving furniture, upgrading home decor or even finishing that sculpture you started making out of solidified bacon grease, used q-tips and toothpicks...to each their own I guess). If you're one that enjoys this heat, you might be crazier than me, because the good stuff is on it's way.

If you don't want to rake leaves, just send your soulless ginger kid out there to do it.

It may not get done efficiently, but at least you don't have to get off your ass.

Now I'm certain that all parents and teachers that actually enjoy what they do for a living are ecstatic that school is back in session. I know I am, and I don't even have kids. I'll elaborate on that shortly. Moms and dads everywhere are rejoicing. No more day care for the toddlers, no more worrying if the youngsters are potentially burning the house down, and no concerns of whether their teenagers have a 'friend' over because of the convenience of the adults being at work. Admit it: you'd pay twice the cost of all new school supplies to know they're accounted for (and possibly even learning something...) during the better part of the day. Even though kids make it seem like it's juvenile hall with books, part of them is glad to be back as well. They see their friends on a daily basis, there's a possibility they might find something interesting to them in class (i.e. guys love health class for obvious reasons), and they still have weekends off. Some adults don't have that luxury. So why am I thrilled that school is back? Well that's simple: much fewer screaming brats showing up at my place of work, especially during my particular work hours. This was referenced once before here. Some of my readers understand exactly what I'm talking about. Thank the public (and private) school system for stealing your demonic, delinquent, derelict offspring from you so I can work/you can shop in peace. I can't thank them enough.

How do they even fit that much evil onto one bus?

Next, we have the home stretch of baseball's regular season. I mentioned here how great of a season it's already been. Now that my Yankees are crumbling like a house of cards in an earthquake, it's getting very interesting. Division races are getting tighter, and the wild card spots are going to be up for grabs until the very end. This month is when these players really earn their money. They have to show that they are worth these multi-million-dollar contracts by producing when it matters most. Then, if they're lucky to make it into the playoffs, they have to perform well enough to advance. Washington seems to have a firm grip on the best record in the majors right now, which is still really cool to see. Houston will inevitably be the first (and possibly only) team with 100+ losses this season, which is truly remarkable...and pathetic. Otherwise, it's shaping up to be an interesting fall for that sport, and I can only hope the Yanks remember how to play sooner than later. As long as Boston continues to suck, I can make peace with a missed chance at the World Series. Speaking of, how's that trade working out for you guys? Ooo...awkward.

If I were you, I'd be ashamed too. Holding that hat is like playing with feces:

Sure it's fun...until you realize it's feces...and your hands are covered in shit.

Finally, what we all have been waiting for...and by 'we all', I mean men (and some really cool women): Football has returned! High school and college and NFL...OH MY! I bring up high school football because around here, it's huge. It may not be Texas serious, but you'd better believe people pay attention in this area. I'm rooting for the Oscar Smith Tigers. Why? Because they're really good...that, and I don't want to be evicted. Let's just say I'm in a household with a very proud Smith following, so go Tigers! Then there are my Virginia Tech Hokies, who opted to make fans like me nervous in their season-opening overtime victory. Let's all hope that VT can remain in the news because of their football team consistently winning, rather than the abundance of bad press they've endured for the last several years because of a certain few unstable individuals. 'Let's Go!...Ho-kies!' Lastly, we have the NFL. This is the reason men become zombies at 1pm (12 central) every Sunday, our primary diet consists of chili, cheese, bratwurst and beer, and nothing productive is accomplished during the second half of the weekend. Sorry ladies, but you can voice your concerns to Mr. Roger Goodell. You're probably more likely to get a coherent response out of him than any of us anyway. I'm sorry, but at least I'm being honest. I'll be hoping my 'E-A-G-L-E-S  EAGLES!' figure out what's restricting them from succeeding in the playoffs every year. Perhaps it's Andy Reid's belt restricting his ever-growing waist from being seen. Maybe we should consider ourselves lucky for that, but I think he's got some secret weapon underneath all those layers of cellulite. For whatever reason, he's just waiting until the right moment. All I can say is this: Andy...any time would be the right time. I think I have a lot of exciting football to look forward to, and plenty more of teams that I don't necessarily root for as well. There's got to be something on when my teams aren't playing. Might as well be that.

Pssh...playbook, my ass. That's a rather extensive menu he's got there.

"I said a number 4!! Extra Large!! With a root beer!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to prepare for tonight's opening game. It's Cowboys at Giants. Who do I want to win? As my stepdad would say, "I am a fan of two teams: the Giants...and whoever beats the Cowboys." Even though I can't agree with the first part, I love to see them Cryboys lose. So, for tonight...Go Giants! When you face Philly, all bets are off. Just sayin'.

D.