They're having babies?! Are you serious?!

Some people need to refrain from procreation. These individuals need their tubes tied, a vasectomy, spaying, neutering, castration...just something to prevent these mutants from creating clones of themselves. I'll discuss this one on a more general view at a later date, but today I am here to mention some of the glorified celebrities that have made headlines for baby-making. Some you've already heard about, some you will find out more about soon, yet all of them will leave you dumbfounded and hoping it's not true.

Bob Barker telling everyone to get their pets spayed or neutered.

If only he got that message to include celebrity frittatas.

By now, if you weren't aware that Nicole Polizzi has birthed a baby boy, you seriously need to get out more. I try to avoid paying attention to the news because of stories just like this one, yet I still managed to find out about it. Oh wait...let me clarify something real quick: Nicole Polizzi is better known as Snooki from Jersey Shore. For those who didn't know this, I'll give you a minute to pick up and reattach your jaw. That ghastly warthog of a woman was impregnated by her long-time boyfriend (now fiancé), and somehow when that wretched spawn was born, we didn't cease to exist. The apocalypse did not occur, although I would have understood if it had. I don't even need to get into the whole issue of how terrible the existence of Jersey Shore is altogether. That was already taken care of here. The frightening reality is that there is now a miniature male version of this waste of life and good air. Are we to expect some sort of future that could possibly include a reality show called 'Jersey Shore Revisited', in which all those guidos' and guidettes' children are then put on display? I sure as hell hope not. I don't think the world will be ready for that. The average person is dumb enough as it is. This could only make it worse.

That's a model parent right there. At least go with Budweiser, you classless wench.

Would you like to know which other woman suffered through labor so that we could now suffer as a society? Jessica Simpson. Let me just say that if there ever was one woman who proved that intelligence can only hold you back in life, it was her. This token dumb blonde mated with some scrub tight end that used to play in the NFL (and poorly at that), and now their son is amongst us. As it turns out, her fiancé went to Yale, so it has led me to this theory: I believe that she has finally acknowledged how much of a frittata she really is (the smartest thing she's ever done), and instead of having children with some washed up former boy band member or a perennial losing quarterback for the Dallas Cowpies, she figured she'd aim a little higher on the brain scale and bang an Ivy Leaguer, hoping that it would sort of 'even out' genetically. Sorry Jessica, but it doesn't exactly work like that, but I do applaud the effort. Wait...what effort? All you had to do was lay there. By the way, Jessica, did you really think you came out the winner here? That guy you're engaged to wakes up every morning thinking how sweet the victory is that he has a baby with a gorgeous, famous, rich woman. Way to go.

If you listen close, you can hear him saying, "Victory is mine!"

The last one for this discussion is about a baby on the way. This one is truly interesting based on the father's track record. The part I can't understand is what woman would be willing to go into a relationship with the one, the only Ben Roethlisberger. That's right...Big Ben Rapistberger is having a baby. Here's proof. Ben's off-field resumé:

• In June of 2006, Ben wrecked his motorcycle in Pittsburgh. He flipped over the handlebars and hit his head on the windshield of another car. This was made more serious by his lack of a helmet.
• July of 2009 saw a civil suit arise from a woman accusing Ben of rape while he was attending a celebrity golf tournament. Charges were eventually dropped due to lack of evidence.
• In March of 2010, a new investigation began when another woman accused Ben of rape, this time in the bathroom of a Georgia club. After multiple questionable and possibly unethical discrepancies between police reports, the woman dropped the charges (but will not recant) because she couldn't handle the media attention.

Now in all fairness, the first incident only proves he's an idiot, especially considering his job requires the use of one (oh, the irony...). The others have not been proven in a court of law, but the fact that this guy's name keeps coming up in situations like that is rather alarming. Yet some woman willingly went into a relationship with this man to make offspring? I hope she likes it rough. God help the child who has this giant jackass for a father. Then again, he'll be the very fortunate child of a wealthy upbringing, so maybe it's not all bad. My only advice to the kid: when he says you don't need a helmet to ride a bike, trust your judgment, not your dad.

Butters and Ben...sex addicts.

This can't be the end, either. I am sure there will be more unfortunate cases of morons mating, only tainting the gene pool even further. As I said earlier, there will be another chapter (or more) of people that I believe should not have kids. For their sake and ours. Stay tuned...

D.