'Bad Luck Brian' never wins.
I'll begin with one that I had to laugh at for several reasons. Now keep in mind, I don't find domestic assault to be amusing. Except when it's a former WWE wrestler. A female one...who just happened to be arrested three times in a week for harassing her boyfriend. Are you kidding me? This is comedy gold, people. Tammy Lynn Sytch, better known as Sunny to wrestling fans, was first arrested for disorderly conduct after causing problems at her boyfriend's home. After being asked not to return to the home, she did so anyway, and was then charged with third-degree strangulation and violation of a protective order. Clearly, that wasn't enough, because she then got drunk and broke into his house. She is now in rehab after being released on bond.
Fellas...go ahead and act like you wouldn't wrestle her if you had the chance.
Alright, so the disorderly conduct, breaking and entering...that's just her being a jackass. Third-degree strangulation, on the other hand, is where it gets interesting. She decided to take some of her fake-wrestling experience and put it to real-life use. She got him in a headlock and began pulling his hair. Now maybe it's just me, but I find that there are two idiots in this scenario. Are we to assume she's the only one at fault here? Of course the story is going to make it seem that way, but this dude (whoever he is...no name given, no surprise to me...he's ashamed) had to know what kind of woman he was dating. Sure, she was extremely attractive (in the '90s), but let's not forget she was a professional wrestler, not just some skinny-ass actress/model. Then, he probably did something to antagonize her in some way, so she put his ass in a headlock. I hate to say it, bro, but you sir are pathetic. If you didn't deserve it for instigation, you deserve it for being oblivious. I just wish I could have been a fly on the wall to watch you squirm, whine and cry like the wuss you are as she proclaimed that she would win the belt when you tap out. As for Sunny, she's looking pretty frumpy these days. A little homely and beaten in the new millennium. Did he remind you of your fall from grace (not to be confused with the top turnbuckle) and set you into an estrogen-infused 'roid rage? You had to know that time would eventually come where you would be irrelevant and forgotten by the general public. Don't take it out on your frail, sissy-boy lover. Then again, you've also proven that alcohol may not be the way to go either. You couldn't resist breaking a window to attempt to get your boyfriend in a full-nelson hold after you finished off your fifth of scotch. I'm officially out of advice for you, Sunny. Let's just pray rehab does wonders for your damaged reputation/lifestyle.
Hmm...yea, I'll pass. You can have her if you want her.
As I mentioned, this reminded me of a story I had heard back in December. There was a man in Chicago who was attempting to carjack a guy in a parked car just before midnight on December 5th. He was armed with a pistol as he approached the driver to ask for a lighter. When the driver said he didn't have a light, the carjacker pulled out the firearm and demanded he give him his money and other valuables and to get out of the car. As the driver complied, he caught the assailant off-guard and began to wrestle the gun away. From here, it quickly became rather one-sided in favor of the driver, as a shot was fired that hit the carjacker's ankle, while the driver was using his face as a punching bag. As it turned out, the driver just happened to be an MMA fighter, only to be identified as 'Justin'.
Anthony Miranda (the punching bag) is no rookie in being a criminal. He had already been in prison for multiple felony burglary convictions, and was released in March of 2010. I guess the more surprising part of this is that he remained out of prison for over a year and a half. So let's say that this carjacking attempt was not the first of his career, just for the sake of argument. You would think by now that he wouldn't necessarily be smart enough, but experienced enough to pick on people that appear to be vulnerable. You could argue that since it was dark out and you can't get a clear view of the person's figure when they're sitting in a car, that he had no way of knowing what he was up against. I'm going to go ahead and say that doesn't cut it. Think about it for a minute. I'm assuming Miranda was casing the area for potential victims. I'm sure he didn't just go out for an evening stroll and have a sudden urge to rob this particular car. He had to have at least seen the man drive to the spot where he was parked, or saw him return to his vehicle. Then there's Justin's description: 6'2" 250 pounds, and not overweight by any means. Miranda didn't pick on some unsuspecting fat guy, he went after someone rather sizable in stature. Obviously, he didn't know Justin's resumé (former military with 'high-risk training' and hostage rescue experience...that's badass), but that's still no excuse in my view. He deserved every bit of the beating he received. When the cops showed up, I could only imagine how that played out. They probably asked Justin what happened, he explained that he was being carjacked and turned the tables on the guy, a bullet somehow hit the guy's ankle, and the bruises on his face must have happened when he fell to the ground. I'm sure the officers took his statement and sent him on his way, after they finished laughing of course. I know I was laughing. Way to go, douchebag. You failed at life...again.
Under all the bruising is shame mixed with defeat.
His pants were likely soiled from fear as well.
I will continue to search for more stories like this. Even if it doesn't involve somebody being assaulted, there are plenty of stupid criminals out there. They are always giving us reasons to talk about how dim-witted they can be. It's my job to find these stories and report them to my readers. I won't fail like Sunny or Miranda, that I can assure you.
D.
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