Husband-Father

So there's this story that I stumbled on while skimming the latest news, and I was shocked, but not in the way that most people might be. I had just woken up from the greatest nap I've taken in a long, long time, and through the hazy fog of exhaustion, I saw the headline 'Woman Unknowingly Married Father' (I'll give you fine folks a few minutes to read through the article so you can have a better understanding of my point of view). I was praying quite a bit that I had misread that, but I'm not sure how else that could have read. Curiosity usually overtakes me, and in this case, it was no different. Something inside me needed to know how that's even possible.

Best nap ever.

If you have read the story by now, I'm under the assumption that you are as disappointed or feel as misinformed as I am. I would imagine that the objective of releasing this bit of news would be to get the details of how they eventually met after being separated for so long, and not only where and when. We live in a Montel Williams, Maury Povich and Jerry Springer sort of world where these are the most crucial facts people want to know. Go ahead and act like I'm lying. You could be the most tame person who does not gossip or need to know everything about everyone, yet because of the bizarre nature of the situation, you're wondering if they met in a bar, club, grocery store, bowling alley, adult novelty store, Halloween costume warehouse or some other venue, and this cliff-hanger leaves you screaming,"DAMMIT, I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!!" The sooner you admit it, the better off you'll be. I'm just speculating here, but I think they met on a dating website, and as we all know, you can find yourself in quite the uncommon scenario meeting online.

Maybe not...but you're still f'd up.

Sure, they go into little details on each person and how it came to be that they were separated, then the brief mention that they came together, then the eventual revelation of what actually took place all those years ago. If you ask me, that headline is enough lead-up for a story that could be talked about for weeks on end. Think of how many people clicked on that page today and were expecting the juiciest 'Oh my God!' sort of tale, and had the same reaction that I did. Here's what I find to be the most shocking aspect of the entire thing: Chelsea J. Carter, the one who wrote the article, did so in such a matter-of-fact way. Don't you think it was pretty surprising how nonchalant the term 'husband-father' is introduced? Think about that: it's not exactly the most common title we have for someone we know. 'Husband-father' is mentioned three times; twice in the story and once more in the story highlights in the margin. Yes, that is an accurate description of the man she married. Got it. Wouldn't you think she'd at least put the first 'husband-father' in some sort of quotation marks like I have it typed out? I would argue that the rarity of the term and its extremely limited use would grant such markings. It would raise the question, "Did she coin the term herself?" rather than, "Why is she so comfortable with the term?" I'm hoping Ms. Carter doesn't have some 'husband-father' of her own that she's too ashamed to own up to.

This is some shit you read in a junk magazine like the Enquirer,

yet it's being told like a page 47 story in the Daily News.

Then there is a mention of how this woman reached out to a couple who, after marriage, found out they were brother and sister. Again, what's with the calm, accepted mentioning of such an event? That's all it was left at, too...a mention. She doesn't elaborate one bit and explain whether or not the 'brother-husband' and 'sister-wife' are divorced, separated, still together or in some catatonic state that I would completely understand if that's the case. Ms. Carter is again abnormally placid. Jerry Springer would have stood there in awe as they attempt assaulting one another on stage. Maury would have spent an hour hyping up the DNA test while egging them on about the 'what-ifs' in case they were related. Montel would have used the time to analyze their feelings and going through a box of Kleenex between the three of them when they admit to the world they already shared the same last name. I guess it's a good thing Chelsea Carter doesn't have her own show, because it would be the most boring shit ever. I'd rather watch golf on t.v. I'd rather learn to cross-stitch than sit through her introducing some earth-shattering story to the general public, yet making it seem like it's an everyday occurrence. Screw that. I'm like everyone else: I want to be entertained. I want you to grab my attention, hold it tight, shake it like a five-year-old misbehaving in Wal-Mart, and keep me interested. By the way, if the brother and sister married each other, would their mother and father then be 'mother/father-not-exactly-within-the-construct-of-the-law'? I'd say that's a rather fitting title, considering the illegality involved. I came up with the title, by the way. Pure genius, I know.

Wal-Mart...the place where stories like these breed.

I just hope that there will be more consideration of how infrequent a particular situation is the next time there is a story like this. With full understanding of how we are as humans, there will never be a shortage of ridiculous, outrageous instances such as these. Someone will inevitably marry a relative, make love to some wild animal or come out with some fetish that doesn't even make sense, and once again, we will be entertained. Some people see these individual as human abominations...the rest of us see them as stories to look forward too. Which one are you?

D.