...you good now? Pansy.
Anyway, the truth hurts, folks. It's pretty obvious that nowadays, kids are soft, weak, vulnerable individuals that have had little to no disciplinary structure in their lives, yet somehow they manage to skate by in life with no worries. Why do you suppose that is? Well many of you are quick to point your fingers at the school system they're in, their baseball or soccer coaches, or society and its standards as a whole when your kid fails at anything. Want to know what I think? You know you do. That's why you're here reading this. I think you need to find the nearest mirror in your home and take a good look at the person staring back at you, because that's who is ultimately responsible for your child's suckage. Wow, again with the twisted panties? I'll give you another minute to calm down...
...you might as well decide now whether or not you want to keep reading. It's only going to get worse.
For those willing to read on, I'm going to give you my expert opinion and advice on the matter of why your kids suck so bad. What makes me an expert, you ask? Over twenty-seven years of observation, personal childhood experience, and I'm not currently a bottom-feeder. That qualifies me as an expert, whether you like it or not. Time to get the ball rolling.
This man is a classic case of why his kid will suck at life.
He'll end up being nothing more than an alcoholic and an oxygen thief.
Now that school has started, and since I get out of work at the same time schools around here are dismissed for the day, I've noticed a terrifying trend. Some of the routes I take home from work take me right through school zones, which understandably yet aggravatingly drop you down to a speed that turtles would call slow. Sometimes in these areas, crossing guards are omnipresent, while others don't necessarily need them. If there is no crossing guard, the parents are right there to lead them across the street safely. Let me start off by saying I am all for the safety of a child. I would have a tough time hearing or knowing about a kid being hurt or killed for any avoidable reason. As for the trend I mentioned, kids don't know what it's like to cross the street by themselves. Without guidance, these kids would be hopeless in arriving at their destination. Are you people kidding me?! When I was a kid, I didn't have my mother or father taking me by the hand, waiting for there to be not even a hint of traffic, and then dragging my adolescent ass across the street. You want to know how I learned? On a Saturday, I got up, ate a bowl of cereal, then went outside to play. When I went to cross the street, I stepped off of the curb, saw a car coming and stopped immediately. I thought to myself, "Man, that would really suck to be hit by a car...so I'll avoid doing exactly that." With that in mind, I taught myself to look in both directions for any cars coming my way, and when I knew it was clear, I carried on. Twenty-plus years later, I still haven't been hit by a single car. Is that because I'm smarter than your kid will ever be? Very likely, but that's not the real issue here...you are. The problem is that you don't even take the time to teach your children the basics anymore. Crossing a street is not the most trivial thing a child can do, yet it's perplexing to watch them need so much assistance. My advice? Teach them without standing beside them the whole way. Explain to them that in a fight between car and human, the car will always win. Looking both ways might be a simple lesson to learn, but you may save your kid's life some day. They may not thank you for it in the future, but you'll thank yourself for giving them the knowledge.
See that? Now you're kid's on a multi-human leash. Great job.
That brings me to something else that needs to change dramatically. I want to explain to my readers that I love technology. Big-screen televisions, air conditioning, computers, coffee makers...so many things make life much more enjoyable thanks to technology. Hell, I wouldn't have this blog to write if it wasn't for these advances. That makes us all lucky, but you already know that. One thing I never got obsessed with though was video games. Sure, I played them from time to time, but after a while, it was clear to me that it was a money pit. You'd buy a game, enjoy it for about a month, and then it's on to the next one. That cycle is as consistent as the air you breathe. Some kids can't live without them. Those kids can not exist without spending some ridiculous amount of time per day shooting at virtual terrorists, mutilating zombies or racing cars that they can never afford in real life. Remember what I said about when I was little? On Saturdays, I went outside to play! I didn't turn on the Nintendo and spend the next six hours guiding Mario through the castle. I didn't power up the Sega Genesis and use Sonic the Hedgehog to pick up all those coins for hours on end. I got some good old-fashioned fresh air while I threw a baseball around, played street hockey or rode my bike. Video games were better for when the weather was crappy. Either out of fear of your miserable, whiny kid getting hurt or kidnapped because you're too busy on eBay or on the phone to give them any attention, or you're just too lazy or stupid to care, they'll never have any idea what it's like to get out and be physically active. They're far too busy trying to reach the next achievement, checkpoint or high score. My advice to you is to get your kids to be kids. Teach them a sport, introduce them to a park, get them to help you wash your car...just something to get their warped little minds off of these expensive brainwashing games. They might learn a thing or two outside of an X-Box. They might not, but then you only have genetics to blame. Not sure what I mean by that? Go find that mirror again.
Future gas station attendant and janitor seen here.
I brought up the school system earlier as well. With the exception of some schools that are academically...let's just say insufficient, many of these places are doing their absolute best to propel your child to the next level. They are engaged and enthusiastic about molding the minds of your kids. They offer plenty of resources to help those that struggle, and there are programs in place to assist those in greater need. So when your deceptive little whippersnapper comes home with a bad grade and tells you the teacher has it out for them, what is it you do? You lead a personal crusade on that teacher to find out why they gave out such a poor grade. Surely, your child could never fail at anything. Well, if you look at the work (or lack thereof), you can see for yourself that your son or daughter might actually be quite the buffoon in the making. They were smart enough to deceive you, but once again, we're talking about basic genetics. These teachers grade each kid on the same standards, and they do it every day. Maybe when you pry them away from their video games, they'll be a little more focused on their homework and studying that this problem won't come up quite as often. Just a thought. When I came home with a bad grade, my mother was not exactly the first person I wanted to find out about it. Inevitably, I made my excuses, but she didn't charge over to the school and raise hell because her son didn't deserve a low grade. She analyzed the facts in front of her, and from there she determined if I was being honest or if I was trying to be a conniving little weasel. The latter typically ended poorly for me, so I refrained from doing so when possible. The advice here is simple: get the facts before you rush to judge others when your children accuse schools of singling them out. They're likely singling themselves out to get more attention from you, which as we've already covered, you've failed in that department. Your kids are not perfect, I assure you. They could be closer to the other end of the spectrum, honestly.
Sure, on the surface she looks like a rotten, wrinkly, crotchety old woman for a teacher.
Ever think that maybe she acts this way because she's tired of your kid's bullshit? I do.
The last thing that needs to be covered is the general overprotection they receive. Kids don't get hurt anymore, and when they do, it's blown way out of proportion. Kids are supposed to get cuts, scrapes, burns, bumps, bruises and blisters, and that's so they know what it feels like. They heal soon after, and life goes on, pure and simple. Too much padding and helmets are keeping them from experiencing any sort of nominal pain, and they won't know what to do when something worse actually happens. I can't begin to count the amount of times I fell and came home bleeding and bruised, but it made me tougher. I knew it would heal sooner or later, and if I still felt well enough, I got back up and kept doing what I was doing. Why let a little cut ruin a good time. Then what happens when your children get sick? Holy shit, you people go into panic mode! You drown them in cough syrup, choke them with cough drops and pills, and never let their bodies work their magic and develop any sort of viable immune system. Later in life, they have to take extra days off from school/work because that measly cold has disabled them from being a productive member of society. They become more prone to illness because they were force-fed all the temporary remedies, and their bodies don't know how to react without them. My mom didn't have the time or patience to be taking care of a sick kid because her life went on too. The whole world shouldn't have come to a screeching halt because my temperature was a little high, and it didn't, because I drank plenty of fluids and waited out the healing process. That's really all it takes; your body won't lie to you. So please listen to me when I tell you to let your kids experience a little pain and sickness, because in most cases, it's nowhere near life-threatening. Don't overreact, because they will pay for it when they become adults and something serious strikes and they don't know what to do about it. It makes me wonder how some of you made it this far in life. Pretty scary.
This girl would actually like to survive as an adult.
All of this stuff just leads to one undeniable fact: you enable your children. You let them get away with murder, then coddle them when they come crying to you. You let them walk all over you just so you don't have to feel like a mean mommy or daddy for scolding them. Stop it!! Instill some discipline so they know not to act like an arrogant little bastard. If that means spanking them, do it. It is not child abuse when you're correcting their ignorant and unacceptable behavior. Don't be afraid to yell and show them who's the boss (and I don't mean that God-awful Tony Danza show). The funny thing is I rarely needed to hear a raised voice to prevent me from acting out. You know why? My parents are/were both in law enforcement. If I ever did anything seriously wrong, I'd have to answer to them. Knowing my family (who is just about half law enforcement as well), they'd hear about it within twenty-four hours and I'd never hear the end of it from them. Of course, that's an extreme case, but you understand what I mean. Teach your kids right from wrong. You'd only be helping them, not hindering. Unless you don't know right from wrong yourself. Then you're all screwed. Sorry about your luck.
Certainly not you, Tony.
Please take what I say and let it sink in. Remember...I am an expert.
D.
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