Dogs can be so funny...

I painted this. Not really, Cassius Coolidge did. 

You believed me for a second there...

For those of you who are not dog lovers, it's up to you whether you care enough to continue reading or not, but life will go on, and so will this post. As for the dogs themselves, I'm not referring to the slang for immature guys. If you're not familiar with men being called dogs, we've also been called 'jerks', 'assholes' or 'playas' (the latter is also Spanish for 'beaches', which in the right accent sounds like a derogatory term for women...oh sweet irony).

I digress...

We're talking about those 4-legged (sometimes fewer in unfortunate circumstances), loyal, lovable creatures that many of us have as our pets. I do not yet have a dog of my own, but I hope to have one in the not-so-distant future. Why? Well, their companionship is one of the biggest upsides. They have that sense for how you're feeling and do what they can to make you feel better. Another is their unconditional love for you. You may have to raise your voice or swat their hinds when they've made mistakes, but they'll always come back to you with that guilty, apologetic look on their face, and suddenly it's all better. Even after that, they're always anxious to see you. They're curious, more often than not they're rather intelligent, but most importantly, they're yours. That's not what makes them funny, though.

Not all dogs fit these descriptions, but I think it's safe to say that the majority of them do. One thing is how they react when you return home from wherever you went. I would imagine that the rare case in these situations is that they nonchalantly greet you, only to turn around to lay down again. No, they act like they haven't seen you in years and were expecting to never see you again, yet there you are. It doesn't matter if they're in a cage, roaming the yard or just loose in the house, they begin to jump, whine, bark, sniff, lick and scratch you as they make it clear how happy they are to see you. Hell, in my experience, sometimes you don't even need to be the owner and that still happens:

George Carlin best sums it up at the 5:16 mark. Worth watching all of it, though.

When I get home every day, I'm typically the first to arrive. As I open the door, Devon is frantically trembling with excitement to be let out of her cage. Don't worry everybody...Devon is my roommates' dog, not some poor enslaved female, so there's no need to call the police (just in case there's a need to clarify). She is a very playful dog, although a slight concern arises from that: what if she's excited to see just about anybody? Perhaps a burglar breaks in, pausing a moment to assess the situation:

• Nobody is home.
• There are plenty of valuables to steal.
• A dog in a cage, excited to see...well...anybody.

Does she instinctively go into guard dog mode, or is she just hoping to be set free because she hasn't seen a human in several hours? Let's hope she'd be super-protective and not be welcoming to said intruder. More so, let's hope we never have to find that out.

Classic.

Alright, so you get home, the dog jumps all over you, and it's time to take the dog for a walk. Let's clear this one up right now: the dog walks you, period. It's pretty rare that you find yourself dragging the dog around the neighborhood because you felt like getting a little exercise after a full day at work. No, the dog has been alone all day and finally has the chance to...'empty the tank', so to speak. So you put the leash on your pup and head out the door. They're pulling and pulling and you're hanging on for dear life. Then comes the amusing, yet aggravating part: they need to pick out the perfect spot. They lower their nose to the ground and they sniff...and sniff...and sniff some more...until finally...they find it! The perfect spot to pee! Of course most of that time is spent locating where other dogs have peed recently, so this process could take a few minutes alone. If you thought that was bad, wait until they have to find a spot for good old numero dos (...#2...POOP! Do I really need to explain everything?). They sniff and sniff and sniff and do this considerably longer than before. Then...the moment of truth...the sniffing is more exaggerated, they walk in a circular pattern, and then the inevitable awkward stance. Before you know it, you're pulling out the bag that you (hopefully) brought with you so you can pick up the turds, otherwise by leaving it there, your neighbor will find out it was your dog, and then you're risking getting bitched at or punched in the gonads. Nobody wants that.

What makes this so funny? Think about how it is for us to 'empty the tank'. We all have at least one bathroom in our homes that we use to take care of business. For example, where I live, there are three to choose from. One is the master bath, and I avoid it for obvious reasons (I'm the master of this blog, not this house...there is no bathroom in this blog). That leaves two porcelain thrones at my 'disposal' (pun very much intended). It doesn't really matter to me which one I use, but out of courtesy to the rest of the residents here, I use the one in my room. With that said, dogs have no limits (outside the home) as to where it is appropriate to take care of business. There is no designated location for them to unload. Is it the expansive amount of real estate and endless options of where to go that they can't make a decision right away? I'm sure there's some scientific reason, but I don't want that. I wonder what the dog is thinking when it decides that patch of grass to the right is more worthy of being peed on than the larger patch to the left. It's even more perplexing why it's a greater debate as to where they drop a deuce. You just want to go back inside and relax, yet your dog is making crop circles in the yard because it's not sure if the grass or the mulch is a better landing spot. Finally, you have to pick up the droppings. That's right. You, the more advanced, sophisticated (in most cases), superior species is picking up the crap of a dog...with your hands! Again, this is where the bag comes in real handy. It makes you question, even for a moment, which one of you is actually the lesser being? No wonder dogs kick the grass at you when they finish...that's their way of saying, "That's right...now pick it up, you peasant! That's a gooood booyyy!" You didn't think of that until I said it, huh? Aren't you glad I'm here to point out the finer things in life?

If you were really smart, you'd teach your dog to pick up after itself.

There are more little things that make us laugh about our canines. When they want to play, they can be amused by nearly anything. Whether it's a soft squeak toy, a bone, rawhide, kong, a stick, your shoe, an ink pen, the remote control, anything in the hamper or garbage can, or even the little dot from a laser pointer, they are plenty satisfied with using any of them for their own enjoyment. As much as you may get mad at them for chewing up your $300 LeBron X's, you know you still love them. If none of those items interest your dog because they have found your chair and/or table legs to be the better menu option, you have every right to be mad, but doesn't it make you curious as to why they'd rather chew on them than a flavored bone? Out of sheer bewilderment, you need to sort of laugh it off so you don't dwell on the fact that your furniture is no longer structurally stable. For those of you that let your dog sleep with you in your bed: it's pretty funny that you always end up with a smaller section of the bed because your dog decided to stretch out right in the middle. Once again, that 'lesser being' debate lives on, considering that expensive mattress/bedspread now belongs to them. Way to go...again.

George Carlin has several more clips to watch of his commentary on dogs and other pets in general, all of which we can definitely relate to. YouTube search for more. You will be quite entertained.

D.