The Laws of Hygienics

The amount of laws and regulations that all American citizens are required to follow is incredibly extensive. Many of them go without saying, although some people find ways to violate them anyway. Some laws are not exactly popular in the public eye, but they are generally designed for our safety and well-being. There are more that don't make any sense at all, and were created to restrict people from repeating some 'offense' that was only committed once, didn't make sense when it happened, and will more than likely never happen again. Some of these include:

• Ohio - You must have a license to possess a bear.
• Florida - It's against the law to put livestock on a school bus.
• Missouri - A man must have a permit to shave.
• Virginia - The Code of 1930 prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates. (Suddenly it all makes sense.)

So if laws like these exist, I have a suggestion for lawmakers to consider. I truly believe my ideas are much more reasonable, they are more likely to be socially accepted, and enforcing them could be easier than it may seem at first. These laws would be directed toward good and appropriate hygiene. In fact, some (including myself) would consider them critical. Get ready for my new laws. They're going to be spectacular.

I wrote it. Deal with it.

A) Showers are to be taken on a regular basis. A 'regular basis' will imply at the absolute least once every other day. That's being extremely generous, honestly. There are points in most everyone's day that you break out in a sweat, you find yourself covered in some sort of filth (dust, dirt, blood, paint, etc.), or you are doused in someone else's germs due to some errant sneeze or cough. Why is a shower important in these instances? Well, you're likely to be healthier in the long run for one. You enjoy being healthy, right? I thought so. Second, you're more presentable to the general public. Studies have shown that clean people tend to avoid dirty people in social situations. These studies were conducted by a highly trained, very experienced individual who spends much of his time observing human interaction (that person is me, naturally). Finally, nobody else wants to catch any germs you are carrying, whether they were yours to begin with or not. Please sanitize yourself so that nobody else contracts whatever aggressive super-virus you have. You may even become healthier sooner if you wash up regularly. What a novel idea! If you're caught once, you are given a small fine. Repeat offenders will have increased fines and they will be hosed down in public by the local fire department. One last thing to touch on before moving on to our next law has to do with your children. I believe anyone ten years of age or older are to be charged as adults for violating this law. The parents will be held accountable for their children under ten to follow this law. Failure to do so will result in similar penalties to adult offenders.

This guy didn't shower for a week. Somehow he's okay with being hosed down.

I guess it eliminates any effort on his part...dirty bastard.

B) Deodorant is not optional and should be applied every time you leave your home. No matter what you may hear about your body's 'natural scent' attracting the opposite sex, letting it fester into an intolerable stench is not what they are talking about. When you walk around with untreated pits, you are basically allowing your stink trail to invade public airspace, enter unsuspecting nasal cavities, and proceed to throw punches inside their innocent nostrils. You shouldn't have body odor that could be considered biological warfare. Let's put it this way: if you don't even need to turn your head to sniff underneath your arm and you already know you might smell better if a skunk sprays your underarms. If you're concerned about the price, well then you have much greater problems than I thought. Four whole dollars can keep you from smelling like sin's anus for over a month. Violators will receive a small fine. Repeat offenders will receive higher fines along with a mandatory, restrained Puerto Rican bath.

You're doing it wrong.

C) Brushing your teeth is to be a daily occurrence, more than once per day is ideal. Your breath should be a major concern when you need to be in close proximity to other people. Why? Most conversations between two people are done so in close quarters. The last thing you want is to be forced to smell whatever horrid odor it is emanating from their mouth. Could be an egg sandwich...could be a shit sandwich. Here's a true life example of a non-brushing felon. A former coworker had notoriously terrible breath. Mouth cancer could not possibly survive in his mouth. When customers asked us the best method to remove wallpaper, I was tempted to tell them to hire him for one hour to simply breathe on the walls, then proceed to peel it off; should come off very easily from there. So do the other person a favor and brush frequently. Let's not forget the personal benefits you'll get out of it. You'll have whiter teeth, they'll last longer, and you're reducing your risk of heart disease the more you brush them. That's motivation enough for me. If you choose to skip a day, you will be fined and given an airplane bottle of mouthwash. If you continue to resist, you will be given higher fines and three days in jail, where your meals will consist of mints, minty gum and more mouthwash.

If you'd like your teeth to fall out, don't stop cleaning them.

Just do what Bobby Clarke did: play hockey and get into fights.

These are just a few to start off. I guarantee that if you follow these three laws alone, you will notice a significant increase in attention from friends, coworkers and members of the opposite sex. Failure to comply with these three, either by themselves or in some horrendous, odiferous combination, will result in public shame, mockery and open criticism. Please follow these laws. We will all be better off for it.

D.