Close-talkers, please back up...

Everybody knows at least one close-talker. Some of you are actually guilty of being one, and you probably don't even realize it. What's a close-talker?

Seinfeld wasn't always funny. This is.

Pretty simple concept; just somebody that feels the need to get exceptionally close to the person they are talking to. Too close for comfort, honestly. I'm here to discuss those situations, not limited to the ones you've experienced yourself, but also those you've been a witness to.

I know I tend to have a voice that carries. With that in mind, I don't need to be right in somebody's face for them to hear what I have to say. There's only a couple of reasons I can come up with that would cause a person to get so close:

• They speak softly. Instead of needing to repeat themselves at a higher volume, they get close to get the message across the first time.
• They do it for emphasis. The story may not be all that interesting, but with some excessive body language only inches away, it might make it better.

Here are a few of simple fixes for this:

• Speak louder. Nobody will be offended unless you are at the point of screaming.
• After you raise your volume, your hand gestures and body movement will only enhance your story even better from a distance.
• It's also possible you need more interesting stuff to talk about. Just sayin'.

That last fix is more likely than not your biggest issue. You may have some redeeming tales, but most of them are rather lame. Another thing is you're close enough that we can tell what you ate for breakfast...two weeks ago. I am certain that during the course of the day, my breath is only getting worse before my eventual teeth-brushing. I don't want to torture anyone with my biological warfare of the mouth, so I'd appreciate the same consideration.

"Dude...did you have garlic waffles with anchovies? That is just foul!"

I see it on t.v. pretty often as well; most commonly during sporting events. You could say that football players and their coaches close-talk on the sidelines, but in all fairness, those stadiums are usually pretty loud. Background noise is pretty much the only acceptable reason for this act. What I'm talking about are the commentators. Those duos of sharp-dressed men are typically in close-quarters with a zoomed in camera pointed at the 'space' between them, which is nearly nonexistent. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are Fox baseball's most frequent and noticeable offenders of close-talking.

I don't think even they know what they're talking about. They look anxious to make out,

though. I guess the scent of Old Spice, Geritol and smug really get them going.

Guys, do your viewers a huge solid and spread out a little. Just twelve to eighteen inches farther apart would be spectacular. I know there's at least that much room available in the booth...utilize it. It's bad enough that both of you suck horribly at your jobs, but the fact that you feel the need to be in each others' personal space to do it just makes it so much worse. After you finish giving each other that lustful gaze, take your unseen hands off each others' unseen thighs and focus a little more on improving your commentary, and less on your image. Your image will never improve, so consider that a lost cause.

Then there's the ever-classic video of Joe Namath when he was drunk on Monday Night Football. During a Jets game, ESPN reporter Suzy Kolber was given the opportunity to interview Broadway Joe and get his point of view on the quarterback situation at the time (which proved to be terrible, see Chad Pennington). The problem arose when it became obvious that either Joe just finished off that fifth of scotch before going on the air, or someone dropped a roofie in his prune juice. Here's what ensued:

Good thing this wasn't on national television or anything...oh wait...

If it turned out that Joe Namath is a closet sexual predator, many people would not be surprised based on this video. Are we to assume that drunkenness is a legitimate excuse for close-talking? Although it is more prevalent, I'm still going to say no to that. Notice how he leaned in almost expecting a smooch, yet somehow composed himself enough to finish that half-assed interview. If Suzy had to narrow down the top five most awkward moments of her career, this one probably accounts for all five. That's right...I'm contending that even being under the influence, close-talking is frowned upon. Admit it, you agree.

Here's one way of deterring you from close-talking to me: next time you try, just make the presumption that I'm carrying some contagious flesh-eating disorder that usually reacts to close contact and dull conversation. Want to take that risk? I didn't think so.

D.