- People that use Twitter to update their every move
- Parents who bring poorly behaved children into public places mid-temper-tantrum
- The buffoons that dress up in costume when going to the theatrical release of a movie
- The names celebrities give to their children
These individuals are the next contestants in the second installment of:
They're All On Crack
Part II
We'll begin with the people that put the word 'Twit' in Twitter. I have always had a strong opinion about this website being one of the least appealing social media sites on the net. With that said, I can already hear the cries of 'hypocrisy' because I have an account. I joined in an effort to promote my blog some more. So far, I have posted one tweet that was not directly related to one of these entries or to promote someone else's venture. I am not one of the abusers of this status-updating waste of cyberspace. No, see...I don't feel the need to let everyone know I am sitting on the couch itching my bug bites, or to express my concern that nothing good is on t.v. at 6:12 PM, or even to enlighten people on my dinner plans. Do you know why that is? It's simple...nobody cares! No one wants to hear about how intense it was that you just picked your nose for fifteen minutes while sitting in traffic. They also don't want to know what ridiculous object you played with at Spencer's, yet didn't buy. I also assure you that there is no public interest in the barista that f*cked up your venti iced upside-down nonfat caramel macchiato with whipped cream and extra caramel. They probably screwed it up on purpose because they don't enjoy listening to someone take three minutes to spit out a drink order. I wouldn't be surprised if someone has been enough of a smartass already to tweet, "I'm currently typing my next tweet...aaand done." Facebook was quite successful in being the addictive site that allowed people to annoy others with frequent updates. Why did someone have to make it even easier for these people? By all means everyone, post funny quotes, recommend a movie, promote a band...just stop acting like anyone cares that you have next to no life outside of Twitter. Crackhead scale: 7.
I bet this woman has a job like...a financial advisor or a public relations specialist.
Do some work! "Bored at my desk" should not be publicly known.
Too many times I have been at work, minding my own business, counting down until lunch or my next break, when suddenly a blood-curdling shriek erupts from no more than fifteen feet away from where I'm standing. Everyone has seen or heard it...the obnoxious little creep of a child that finds it necessary to express his/her displeasure on where they are, or that they just aren't getting their way for that brief moment. In most cases, it's not the child at fault, though. This fact doesn't make the child any less of an obnoxious little creep, but it gives you a great perspective of how they got that way. Just look at the parents while that's going on: mindlessly indecisive on whether they want their tile floor to be cream or off-white, talking on the phone with a friend about their current home-improvement shopping status (bordering on Twitter, except vocalized), or even reading a product label to see if it's toxic because they're afraid their paint-chip eating child will give whatever it is a taste. Personally if you ask me, that would be survival of the fittest at its best, but you'll just think I'm being cruel. Whatever. Parents, please do the world a favor: discipline your children. It's bad enough I have to answer truly foolish questions from you, just understand it's not being made easier by the wretched yells coming from your demon spawn. Spank your kid. Go ahead. Please. It's not child abuse when you're simply sending a quick-strike message that says, "We're in public! Shut up and behave!" It's because you coddle your kids so much that they act like maniacal banshees. A spank every now and again will likely settle them down a little quicker. At that point, even the threat of a spank is enough to shut them up. Everyone (including yourself) will thank you for it later. Crackhead scale: 8.5.
These parents are very attent-.....HEY! Shut your kid up, dammit!!
Then there are the 'fanboys'. You know the ones: adults of either gender that feel the need to dress like Darth Vader, Frodo, an Oompa Loompa...whatever the hell they're into...when going to see the movie each costume relates to. First of all, these are normally people that are hidden under a rock during the day hours; the ones that only come out for freakish reasons/events because they are socially inept. These are some of the same cretans that come out of the lurk for many of the concerts I attend. Here's the difference between myself and them: I have a life. You know how people used to joke on others for playing Dungeons & Dragons, dressing the part and everything? Well these morons are today's equivalent of exactly that...except they seemed to have escaped their dungeons. If you know there's a huge blockbuster release of a movie coming, and you have to be first in line three days in advance in full character attire, let me be the first to tell you that you are a sad human being, and you seriously deserve to get your cape-wearing ass kicked. Go home, put some jeans and a t-shirt on, and introduce yourself to a minor concept called 'being normal'. In fact, you may not sweat your ass off in that unitard you're wearing underneath the thirty-five pounds of armor. That, combined with the likelihood you won't be mocked for looking like a jackass, will be something to consider the next time you feel like playing dress-up. Leave it for Halloween. Then, by all means, go all out. Otherwise, nobody is impressed, except you and whatever clan you went with. Crackhead scale: 10.
Trekkies...possibly the worst of them all.
I saved the best for last. At the end of this one, you'll have a link to read more of the names I didn't mention in particular. Here's my question: with the full understanding that 'originality' is the bullsh*t answer, what licenses celebrities to punish their children with names that will most certainly result in multiple adolescent ass-beatings? I know that people have the right to name their child whatever they please. What I don't get is why they have to take it to that extreme. I'll list a few examples:
- Jason Lee's son - Pilot Inspektor
- Ving Rhames' daughter - Reignbeau
- Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter - Apple
- Penn Jillette's daughter - Moxie CrimeFighter
- Nicholas Cage's son - Kal-el (Superman's birth name)
- Michael Jackson's son - Blanket
Crackhead scale: ∞.
Remember this? Later, Michael said he was just "hanging his Blanket out to dry"...how profound.
Once again, kids...please stay off drugs. You don't want to end up like these imbeciles.
D.
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