Bahston and Lahpsided Bahtering

Oh, I'm sorry about the title...it's just emphasized by the language of New England frittatas. It should read "Boston and Lopsided Bartering," but it's tough to tell when they open their mouths and all you hear is something that resembles a speech impediment. Anyway, if you're into baseball at all, Boston made big headlines yesterday with one of the largest trades in history, sending four high profile players with contracts that combine for over a quarter of a billion dollars to the Dodgers for five players in return, most of whom are only prospects. This isn't the first time the Red Sox have made a deal that either made people shake their heads right away or eventually over time. I'll break all of these down for you.

I could use this to add to my t-shirt arsenal.

George Herman 'Babe' Ruth for cash (Dec. 26, 1920). Yes, the greatest home run hitter in history (I'll be glad to defend that claim if/when asked to) was sold by the Red Sox to the Yankees. Even being 'sold' is considered a trade in baseball's terms. How much did he go for? Well, the up-front amount was $125,000. Then there were three future payments of $25,000 with interest added. On top of that, the Yankees owners loaned Harry Frazee (owner of the Red Sox at the time) an additional $300,000, which many people don't realize was part of an understanding that the Yankees owners would hold the mortgage on Fenway Park as collateral until they were paid back. So on behalf of all Yankee fans out there, we would like to say you're welcome. Why? Because that precious building you idiots pine over so desperately was technically in our possession thanks to your jackass owner. Don't believe me? Read for yourself. Anyway, let's break down the numbers for a better understanding:

• With Boston before the trade - 6 seasons, .308 BA, 49 HR, 230 RBI, 202 RS
• With Yankees after the trade - 15 seasons, .349 BA, 659 HR, 1,971 RBI, 1,959 RS
• With Boston at end of career - 1 season (only 28 games played), .181 BA, 6 HR, 12 RBI, 13 RS.

I just enlightened some folks with another obscure fact: Ruth hit his first and last home runs as a Boston player, but will always be remembered as a Bronx Bomber. Back to the issue at hand, do you know what the original cash agreement went toward? It was to finance a broadway play. The debate as to whether it was for 'No, No, Nanette' or 'My Lady Friends' is irrelevant. That fruitcake Frazee cast aside the most feared baseball player of his era to fund some on-stage catastrophe, which resulted in the so-called 'Curse of the Bambino', which I don't even want to get into, so follow the link if you're interested enough. Many, including myself, consider this the worst trade ever. The truth is in the numbers.

Along with each home run ball that flew out of the park,

a little of Boston's hopes, dreams and dignity followed.

Jeff Bagwell for Larry Andersen (Aug. 30, 1990). If the Babe Ruth trade never took place, this would easily be the worst trade Boston ever made. Given Bagwell had never played a single inning of baseball with the Boston Red Sox before being shipped off for a mediocre (at best) relief pitcher to help the Sox hopefully make a stronger playoff run. Well, Andersen failed miserably in his three appearances in Oakland's four-game sweep of the Sox, going 0-1 with a 6.00 ERA. As for Bagwell? The Astros ended up with a first basemen for the next fifteen years, and easily one of the greatest players their franchise has ever seen. Need proof?

• 2,150 GP
• .297 BA (astounding for a pure power hitter)
• 449 HR
• 1,529 RBI
• 1,517 RS
• 1991 Rookie of the Year
• 1994 NL MVP
• 4-time NL All-Star (surprisingly low)

I know that to this day, the individuals responsible for this huge mistake are still kicking themselves...or each other...or both. Then again, Jeff Bagwell only batted .200 with two walks and two strikeouts against Larry Andersen for his career. Damn, Jeff, he had your number! Andersen is responsible for your career average dropping an entire .000062 points! Congratulations on a stellar career, Mr. Bagwell. Congrats to the Red Sox as well, for giving me another reason to laugh at you.

Here he is about to swat another Boston prayer into the bleachers.

Heathcliff Slocumb for Derek Lowe & Jason Varitek (July 31, 1997). Not all of Boston's lopsided trades worked out in the other team's favor, this one being a perfect example. This deal between the Sox and the Mariners didn't exactly 'make up for' the Bagwell blunder, but it certainly gave them a huge sigh of relief. They received a solid franchise catcher and a consistent starting pitcher in exchange for a hardly reliable relief pitcher. Let's analyze this one:

• Slocumb: (10 Yr Career) 28-37, 4.08 ERA, 98 SV, 513 K, 358 BB, 1-time All-Star

- In Exchange For -

• Lowe: (16 Yr Career, active) 174-156, 4.01 ERA, 86 SV, 1,707 K, 786 BB, 2-time All-Star
• Varitek: (15 Yr Career) .256 BA, 193 HR, 757 RBI, 664 RS, 4-time All-Star

If Boston only received one or the other, they'd still come out the big winner in this one. Then again, since when has Seattle ever been a big winner? Oh, are you thinking of the 116 win season they had in 2001? As I recall, they barely snuck past the Indians in the Division Series just before being slaughtered by the Yankees in five in the ALCS. They've had great players (Griffey, Jr., Randy Johnson, Edgar Martinez, Ichiro) and moments of team brilliance, but nothing that ever added up to winning it all. I hate humbling myself to give the Sox any credit, but they earned this one.

"Oh honey, come back to bed...I'll even keep the mask on..."

Then yesterday came along...

Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett & Nick Punto for James Loney & (prospects) Allen Webster, Ivan De Jesus, Rubby De La Rosa & Jerry Sands. Time will tell if this becomes another huge mistake or not, but here is what needs to be considered:

• Gonzalez: (9 Yrs) .294 BA, 211 HR, 731 RBI, 660 RS, 4-time All-Star, 3 Gold Gloves
• Crawford: (11 Yrs) .292 BA, 118 HR, 667 RBI, 853 RS, 432 SB, 4-time All-Star
• Beckett: (12 Yrs) 130-92, 3.93 ERA, 1715 K, 561 BB, 3-time All-Star
• Punto: (12 Yrs) .247 BA, 15 HR, 228 RBI, 361 RS, .978 Fielding % (Utility Player)

- In Exchange For -

• Loney: (7 Yrs) .284 BA, 71 HR, 451 RBI, 355 RS, .994 Fielding %
• Webster: (No Major League Experience) 34-24, 3.34 ERA in minors
• De Jesus: (2 Yrs) .231 BA, 0 HR, 5 RBI, 7 RS (40 Total Games Played)
• De La Rosa: (2 Yrs) 4-5, 3.96 ERA, 60 K, 33 BB (14 Total Games Played)
• Sands (2 Yrs) .244 BA, 4 HR, 27 RBI, 22 RS (70 Total Games Played)

To me, on paper, this is so one-sided in the favor of the Dodgers, that I'd be surprised if the Red Sox are relevant again for the next couple of years. Sure, they have some players still on their team that can pull their weight, but they are dumping four starters (when healthy and not being a team cancer) with their enormous salaries in hopes that these five players will eventually make up for that lost production. Pete Abraham, the Red Sox beat writer for the Boston Globe, tweeted that if Beckett landed on the Dodgers, "Magic Johnson would be more popular in Boston then Larry Bird." For those who need clarification, Johnson is now part owner of the Dodgers. If you're really out of the loop, he played for the Lakers and had one of the most heated rivalries in basketball (or even sports) history. The implication is that Beckett is the 'team cancer' I earlier referred to. Crawford is the only other question-mark, given he just underwent Tommy John surgery. It is fair to assume, based on another one of my posts and loads of research, that when he's recovered, he should be back to normal. Like I said, though, this one really needs to unfold before we can determine a true winner. It could take several years, spanning nine different careers, but eventually we'll have our answer.

Anyone else see the irony here? He just happened to 'dodge' HIV like he's in the medical matrix.

The Red Sox do have one other option to consider in the future. Have you heard who's trying to make a comeback?

Acquitted steroid user "Rahcket" Rahger Clemens. Does his jersey say 'Skeeters' or 'Syringes'?

You think I'm kidding? Here.

D.