Hate to break it to you, folks...

Here are the simple facts:

• I had a nice long weekend away from home for the first time in a long time
• I am dreading going to work at 6 AM tomorrow morning
• I am six...that's right...six beers deep, and on my way to the fridge for another
• We have pizza on the way
• Football is on t.v.
• All of the above are actively contributing to my lack of motivation

Read all of these one more time if you must. Please allow it to sink in so that you understand where I am coming from. Are you ready for it?

Are you sure...?

There will be no well-written, thought-invoking, researched or scientific/statistical analysis-based posted this evening. That means no stories about guys named Mullet that cut other peoples' hair off. There will be no bitter rambling about some crazy b*tch that wronged me in some way. Tonight will not be the release of a review of some movie I strongly urge you (and your children) not to see.

No. There will be none of that.

Not up in here.

I will continue my ranting and raving tomorrow. Enjoy your evening, everyone. I am doing just that as we speak. Well...as you read...what I typed. Yea, that.

D.

Ten Random Things I Like

I am posting this entry from an off-site location, and by off-site, I mean not home. I also am without my laptop, so the glorious app my phone has is allowing me to submit my post. Today's post will be a simple one, even though I didn't get to contribute yesterday. I was driving for a while, then I was too tired...get over it.

This is nothing more than a list of ten random things I really enjoy. It could be objects, events, people...literally random. And here we go (in no particular order)...

   1) When I have a bad day at work, I get in my car, and turn my iPod on with thousands of songs to shuffle through...when it randomly lands on that one song that can turn your day around. Always an epic moment.

   2) If I'm driving along and some maniac blows my doors in to get ahead of me...only to be right alongside me a mile or so later at a red light.

   3) The feel of a woman's fingers gently gliding all around my back. A back rub/massage doesn't even closely compare.

   4) Having nothing else planned/no errands to run/nowhere else to be on a Sunday than lounging and watching football.

   5) Delicious beverages: sweet tea, coffee, beer. The trifecta. Not all at once. That would be gross.

   6) Making people laugh, even if it's at my own expense. For those who work with me, that is no rare occurrence.

   7) Sleep. Something most of us can never get enough of, myself included.

   8) Watching movies, new and old, great or crappy. The crappy ones are good for a laugh, especially when they're not meant to be funny.

   9) Cooking/baking. Yea, that's right. Besides...I love eating too, so I can't lose.

   10) Writing about my twisted, warped, random thoughts and observations and sharing them with anyone willing to read it. You know you like it, too.

As I said, today is a simple one. I'll get back to my usual self when I'm home. Booyah.

D.

Typecasting?...Where Do I Sign?!

Celebrities have their priorities all out of order. You can see it in their excessive spending, the crimes they get charged with, their alcohol and drug abuse, and whatever other random things that cause their bad publicity. These people are over-privileged, over-appreciated and over-rated by public standards; they know this and never hesitate to take full advantage. When it comes to the characters that actors and actresses portray, if they are successful enough in attracting fans from a previous role, they usually have no problem getting many more roles in the future.

They all like getting cast in many different films, usually so they can prove that they have some sort of flexibility and range in their acting capabilities. Some of these performers have less of an opportunity to show their range because they get typecasted. What exactly is typecasting? That's when an actor or actress is cast as the same character in several movies and spin offs in order to keep a consistent story going. Sometimes (more generally) it simply means that they are cast in different movies, yet they play a strikingly similar character in the majority or all of them. We hear all the time about how celebrities do not want to be typecasted. I'm here to tell you...they're insane.

Zack Morris...er...Mark Paul Gosselaar can tell you alllll about typecasting.

Here are the only reasons I can take away from this concept that they have for not wanting this to happen:

• They feel it limits their potential to be cast in other movies in that same time frame.
• They also argue it could cause them to be passed over for roles even after the movie series they were in has already run its course and finished.
• They will always/only be remembered as that character.

To be quite honest, I don't see a whole lot of negatives listed there. It's easy for me to rationalize these points because I'm not in that position, but I'll be glad to explain why I would love to be there.

Let's say an actor is chosen for a role that will be played in four films in succession. He knows at this point that he will have very little time for other filming opportunities. His life is then 'dedicated' to the making of these movies. When all is said and done, the four movies are all released, they make a huge profit, and all is well with the world. Well...except for this actor. Why? He feels like he missed chances to be in a great film here or an iconic role there because he was 'stuck' playing the same guy four times. Even though the movies are complete, this man is having a tough time getting picked up for more roles. Is it because the people casting are singling him out because they don't have a character that fits his assumed persona? It could be. So then he's left with limited roles and the realization that he will always be remembered as 'that guy'. Need some examples? You shouldn't, because some are pretty obvious, but:

• Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter
• Matt Damon - Jason Bourne
• Mike Myers - Austin Powers
• Keanu Reeves - Neo (Thomas Anderson)
• Harrison Ford - Indiana Jones & Han Solo

There's something pretty significant to take from this brief list of actors who were 'typecasted': with the exception of Daniel Radcliffe, these actors didn't exactly fade off the face of the planet after their roles had finished, and he's only an exception because he's so young and he hasn't been away from the Harry Potter series long enough to make a (different) name for himself. Harrison Ford is actually quite an anomaly, considering he was typecasted twice (by the same writer, no less) and has gone on to have an extremely successful career beyond those two characters.

Try duplicating that feat. That's right...you can't.

There are many actors that don't end up faring as well as these men, failing to attain any sort of movie star status after typecasting. I believe it is not the fault of the character, but rather the fault of the actor. Why? Well that's simple...they suck at acting. They are not versatile enough to be cast as someone different. If an actor is so worried about being typecasted, it's probably because they know they can't pull it off. All of the men listed above could have stopped acting immediately after those series' ended and lived quite happily at that. They didn't do that because they know they are capable of broadening their horizons. Keanu isn't exactly what I would call a great actor, but that's beside the point. He has done well for himself outside of the Matrix movies, so typecasting is not entirely a bad thing.

Since when do you need a weapon like that when you're

ballroom dancing on a ledge? Give it up, Keanu.

Oh yea, and we all should be so lucky to have such job security. If someone came to me and offered me a role that would be cast in three movies in a row, you're basically telling me that I would only have myself to blame for pissing that opportunity away. I am guaranteed to be employed for those three films. That, plus getting paid millions of dollars for each movie made is pretty nice incentive. Job security, high pay and worldwide popularity: again, where are the negatives here? Not only would I gladly welcome being typecasted, I would be fine with that being the only role I ever play...ever. I would be remembered by many people and I'd be rich. Like I said in the title, "Where do I sign?!"

"By signing, you agree to be the actor in three..." blah blah blah...

Gimme a pen..."Signed 'Johnny Mullet'"...booyah!

These celebs need to get off their pedestals and accept the fact that they were, are now and will always be those characters, whether they like it or not. I just wish they'd embrace it. If not...I'm available for the job.

D.

The Laws of Hygienics

The amount of laws and regulations that all American citizens are required to follow is incredibly extensive. Many of them go without saying, although some people find ways to violate them anyway. Some laws are not exactly popular in the public eye, but they are generally designed for our safety and well-being. There are more that don't make any sense at all, and were created to restrict people from repeating some 'offense' that was only committed once, didn't make sense when it happened, and will more than likely never happen again. Some of these include:

• Ohio - You must have a license to possess a bear.
• Florida - It's against the law to put livestock on a school bus.
• Missouri - A man must have a permit to shave.
• Virginia - The Code of 1930 prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates. (Suddenly it all makes sense.)

So if laws like these exist, I have a suggestion for lawmakers to consider. I truly believe my ideas are much more reasonable, they are more likely to be socially accepted, and enforcing them could be easier than it may seem at first. These laws would be directed toward good and appropriate hygiene. In fact, some (including myself) would consider them critical. Get ready for my new laws. They're going to be spectacular.

I wrote it. Deal with it.

A) Showers are to be taken on a regular basis. A 'regular basis' will imply at the absolute least once every other day. That's being extremely generous, honestly. There are points in most everyone's day that you break out in a sweat, you find yourself covered in some sort of filth (dust, dirt, blood, paint, etc.), or you are doused in someone else's germs due to some errant sneeze or cough. Why is a shower important in these instances? Well, you're likely to be healthier in the long run for one. You enjoy being healthy, right? I thought so. Second, you're more presentable to the general public. Studies have shown that clean people tend to avoid dirty people in social situations. These studies were conducted by a highly trained, very experienced individual who spends much of his time observing human interaction (that person is me, naturally). Finally, nobody else wants to catch any germs you are carrying, whether they were yours to begin with or not. Please sanitize yourself so that nobody else contracts whatever aggressive super-virus you have. You may even become healthier sooner if you wash up regularly. What a novel idea! If you're caught once, you are given a small fine. Repeat offenders will have increased fines and they will be hosed down in public by the local fire department. One last thing to touch on before moving on to our next law has to do with your children. I believe anyone ten years of age or older are to be charged as adults for violating this law. The parents will be held accountable for their children under ten to follow this law. Failure to do so will result in similar penalties to adult offenders.

This guy didn't shower for a week. Somehow he's okay with being hosed down.

I guess it eliminates any effort on his part...dirty bastard.

B) Deodorant is not optional and should be applied every time you leave your home. No matter what you may hear about your body's 'natural scent' attracting the opposite sex, letting it fester into an intolerable stench is not what they are talking about. When you walk around with untreated pits, you are basically allowing your stink trail to invade public airspace, enter unsuspecting nasal cavities, and proceed to throw punches inside their innocent nostrils. You shouldn't have body odor that could be considered biological warfare. Let's put it this way: if you don't even need to turn your head to sniff underneath your arm and you already know you might smell better if a skunk sprays your underarms. If you're concerned about the price, well then you have much greater problems than I thought. Four whole dollars can keep you from smelling like sin's anus for over a month. Violators will receive a small fine. Repeat offenders will receive higher fines along with a mandatory, restrained Puerto Rican bath.

You're doing it wrong.

C) Brushing your teeth is to be a daily occurrence, more than once per day is ideal. Your breath should be a major concern when you need to be in close proximity to other people. Why? Most conversations between two people are done so in close quarters. The last thing you want is to be forced to smell whatever horrid odor it is emanating from their mouth. Could be an egg sandwich...could be a shit sandwich. Here's a true life example of a non-brushing felon. A former coworker had notoriously terrible breath. Mouth cancer could not possibly survive in his mouth. When customers asked us the best method to remove wallpaper, I was tempted to tell them to hire him for one hour to simply breathe on the walls, then proceed to peel it off; should come off very easily from there. So do the other person a favor and brush frequently. Let's not forget the personal benefits you'll get out of it. You'll have whiter teeth, they'll last longer, and you're reducing your risk of heart disease the more you brush them. That's motivation enough for me. If you choose to skip a day, you will be fined and given an airplane bottle of mouthwash. If you continue to resist, you will be given higher fines and three days in jail, where your meals will consist of mints, minty gum and more mouthwash.

If you'd like your teeth to fall out, don't stop cleaning them.

Just do what Bobby Clarke did: play hockey and get into fights.

These are just a few to start off. I guarantee that if you follow these three laws alone, you will notice a significant increase in attention from friends, coworkers and members of the opposite sex. Failure to comply with these three, either by themselves or in some horrendous, odiferous combination, will result in public shame, mockery and open criticism. Please follow these laws. We will all be better off for it.

D.

Toddler Towing Company

I've posted once about a personal fiasco of mine that I experienced when I needed my car towed. It was gut-wrenching and horrifying in every way to witness some geriatric jackass texting while driving with my car hooked up to the back. Here's another story about a car being towed, and even though I was not involved, it hit very close to home. No, I mean literally...like the same street and everything. I'll link you to the story, but in case you don't want to read this less-than-ten-sentence article because it'll take time away from knitting, feeding your tarantula or badminton practice, I'll give you the short version. Some lady's car was towed from our neighborhood, and her 21-month-old son was asleep in the back seat. She's possibly looking at facing charges now. Here it is anyway.

I only wish I could be this badass.

Let's give this a closer look, shall we? Alright, so here we have a woman who parked her car in a fire zone so that she could run inside and grab something. She leaves her toddler in the back seat, runs in, an undetermined amount of time goes by, she runs back outside and her car and child are gone. Presumably this woman lives in the place she ran into, otherwise this story could get much more interesting if she doesn't. Anyway, here's my first question: if she lives there, how hard would it be for her on a Wednesday afternoon to find a parking spot and just pull in like she normally would? Hell, we have numbered spots that are apartment-specific and number-free spots that are available for anyone to occupy. Instead, she chose a fire lane. I guess that's reasonable...that she would confuse a marked fire lane with a VIP parking section. She lost all of my sympathy once this fact was presented. I feel bad for the toddler for a couple of reasons, though. For one, he was unknowingly dragged several miles from home because of his mother's pure ignorance. Then that leads me to the other reason: he's the product of this imbecile. He is the spawn of what we should all strive not to be: an f'n idiot. Kid, I'm sorry your mom sucks so bad at life, but I think she's too far gone for saving.

Okay, so then there's the time aspect of the whole thing. She says she only ran in to "quickly grab something" and between walking in and out of her front door, her car was gone. I've seen some tow trucks tow somebody away pretty swiftly, believe me. If they really know what they're doing, it can take anywhere from five to ten minutes to analyze the situation, hook the car up and be on their way. I'm not buying her claim that she did anything quickly. In the most perfect of scenarios, we'll say she parks the car and runs in. It just so happens that Mr. Tow-Truck-Man is lurking nearby waiting for a parking violation and spots her making that epic mistake. He immediately pulls up, hooks the car up and bam...he's gone. I don't see that happening in any less than ten minutes, and that's if he's sitting there the whole time. If somebody called it in, it would take extra time to get there in the first place. So when she says quickly, she was lightning-fast...for a sloth. Honestly, what was it she was running in to retrieve anyway? A hair brush? Whatever book she's reading at the time (clearly it wasn't 'Parking For Dummies')? Her refrigerator? Who knows, at least until the story develops a bit further. Nothing is worth quickly grabbing that you would leave your young child unattended for several minutes in your car, period. Even if she parked in a regular spot, that's unacceptable for the estimated amount of time she went inside.

If this book can teach enough people to park correctly,

the author should get the Pulitzer for this. Just sayin'.

Some people will ask, "What about the tow truck driver? Didn't he check inside the vehicle before towing it?" I'm not saying this tow truck driver is perfect by any means. Believe me, though, I've seen these guys at their worst, and I'm sure he's not it. Through the course of a day, these guys want to get paid, and in order to do that, they have to tow an idiot or two. The quicker they tow, the quicker they get paid. I think that's a pretty simple and understandable concept. In this instance, the question is whether or not he checked the backseat for anyone/anything he shouldn't tow along. The argument there is that the rear windows were tinted enough to not get a good enough look inside. I hate to say it, but it's not this guy's fault that the windows were dark. I'm certain that this man would have notified the police immediately if he saw a baby in the backseat. If he did see the baby and was still quick to tow the vehicle, well then all hope might be lost for our world, because that would be an ultimate sign of ignorance, greed and lack of compassion on his part. I highly doubt this is the case. If anything, I feel bad for the guy that towed the car away. Think of how much scrutiny he is under right now for correctly doing his job when some woman couldn't successfully do hers as a mother. It's a sad reality.

Adams Towing...and mobile car washing.

After a brief discussion about it with the roommates, I then posed this question: so you're telling me that she never considered the chance that her son stole the car? I think it's reasonable enough to answer, dammit! Hell, a 21-month old could probably drive better than half of the other buffoons on the road these days, so I am just saying we should consider all possibilities.

Witnesses took this photo of the car leaving the scene.

...that's not true, I can't back that up.

As for this woman being brought up on charges, I am going to be harsh when I say good. Throw the book at her. She did everything wrong in this situation and she should not walk away from this without a costly lesson. She's lucky that her child is safe and still in her custody right now. Going over the facts, then trying to tie her claims to it, one could easily argue she's lying to the authorities to make it seem less serious than it actually is. If it turns out she is lying about anything, let's hope they can find an extra charge or two to bring her up on. Some people will say it was a momentary lack in judgment, but I'm here to ask how many does it take to finally be accountable for screwing up so royally? How many times has she done something so stupid, yet nothing bad happened, so it went unnoticed? Let's not allow that opportunity to arise again. Teach her that this is unacceptable behavior. A slap on the wrist will only enable her to do something worse later on.

If there is an update on this story sometime soon, I'll be glad to share with everyone on a later post. Until then, let's just hope this is an isolated case. We don't need anymore stories like this to come out. Then again...it gives me writing material. Nevermind...bring it on.

D.

"Don't throw that away...I'll eat it."

There aren't many things in this world that I hate. Hate is an extreme term that I don't like to use because of its definitive level of anger behind it. Some things are deserving of that title, though. Some things like elitist attitudes, the Boston Red Sox, bumper-to-bumper traffic, talentless celebrities...wow, this list is really adding up quicker than I thought. Anyway, there's one other thing I really can't stand. It really bothers me to see somebody throwing food away, especially in large quantities. I know there are sometimes exceptions, such as mold, if it fell on the floor/ground, or if it's burnt beyond edibility. Other than that, there aren't many reasons why food should be disposed of.

Well that makes sense...the road is wet.

Growing up, I learned to appreciate everything that was given to me. Those who took care of me and provided for me through the years worked their asses off to do exactly that, so I didn't (and still don't) take it for granted. Whether it was any little gift, a small cash allowance or a home-cooked meal, I made sure I didn't let it go to waste. It didn't take long in life to know that not everything we had was easy to come by. As for food, there was typically plenty to go around for everyone; usually enough for leftovers, so I made sure I wrapped it up and tossed it in the fridge. Some people don't think like that, yet I'm here to convince you to follow my lead. Yea...I said it.

One of the reasons you hear most often has taken on a much less serious meaning, so I will only touch on it as opposed to using it as a reason. Everyone's heard it before; nobody cares all that much.

"Think of all the starving children in [insert random third-world country here] who don't have the privilege to have this food..."

Now it may sound heartless that I say nobody cares, but let's all be honest...you're not thinking about malnourished kids while you're eating that steak cooked medium, baked potato and green beans. You're only concern is quieting your growling tummy. I'll be the first to argue that it's not the fault of our selfish ways that we forget about the underprivileged. Want to know who I feel is responsible? Sally Struthers. Sure, you may laugh, but don't you find it rather curious how they're still starving, yet she remains fatter than ever? It's quite evident where all of those donations are going. She is one of the greediest people on earth, and it's because of a slob like her that nobody takes that issue seriously. As I said, though, this isn't a main reason to me. I'm just pointing out a filthy waste of space and good air. I'm always willing to make those better known.

Nom Nom Nom!!!

So all worthless frauds set aside, there are other reasons you should save extra food. One of the best reasons is it can be an easy solution for a future meal. Sounds simple enough, but think about how often we're in a mad rush and we don't have time to make a legitimate sit-down feast. So when I do get that opportunity to make a big meal, I try to make some extra to store in the fridge. Suddenly, I have my lunch for work or a lazy-man's dinner for another day that week. If you think I'm making a big deal of nothing, just consider how many times you are feeling too lazy or too busy to make a thought-out meal, yet you resort to some fast food combo or some other questionable quick solution to satisfy your hunger. You'd have something ready to be heated up that is likely to be healthier and taste better anyway. How can you pass that up? Still not convinced?

How about the financial aspect of it? We all spend a lot of money on groceries, but that's because in the overall scheme of things, it ends up cheaper than going out to eat. You make meals in bulk that you'd normally pay much more to have served to you. If you feel that it's always worth that bit of convenience, well then be my guest and spend all of that money. For people like me (and I know there's plenty of you out there), I know that saving money is crucial, no matter how it gets done. I'm also not telling you to never go out to eat, but you'll find that your money doesn't disappear nearly as fast if you keep it to a minimum. Plus, you're saving the gas money to go to and from these joints, and you won't have to worry about tipping anyone. With all the extra cash you'd have, you can go out and get that three-in-one pocket knife/flashlight/kazoo you've been dreaming of. I just laid out the blueprints...now it's up to you to make it happen.

This is no ordinary kazoo. This is the MacGyver Kazoo.

Then there's the convenience factor that some people forget about. We've talked about it being a simple solution for a meal, as well as being less of a financial strain. How soon you forget about being in the comfort of your own home. You could go out to some restaurant, bar, fast food chain...whatever it may be, but then you'd have to deal with the crowds, usually a lengthy wait, and the undeniable noise pollution. Unless you yourself have a loud toddler, you can avoid listening to some screaming child (or several demon children) while you're trying to enjoy your chicken parm. Maybe you won't have to tolerate the chubby bastard sitting behind you that is boisterously complaining about the service as he continually bumps into your chair with his skillet shakers. For those who aren't familiar with what 'skillet shakers' are, it's that loose fatty skin that is clearly falling victim to gravity when said person's arms are extended and it just flops around as if they are shaking a skillet. Skillet shakers. See? You learn something new every day. My advice is...stay home. You'll be less annoyed and not disgusted, guaranteed. Plus you can watch the game and chow down on the couch. The more I sit here and think about it, the more reasons I can come up with. I think that's good enough for now, though.

Your child is not cute. Kickable...but not cute.

Take my words for what they're worth. Save yourself some time, money and aggravation and don't waste any food. If you feel like you still might throw it away, refer back to the title. I won't pass on a free meal.

Seriously...I won't.

D.

I Miss The REAL Dunkin' Donuts...

I went to Dunkin' Donuts this morning because I wanted breakfast made for me today. Normally my weekend meals are made by yours truly, but I needed a break. From growing up in New York, DD is such a popular spot for your coffee and snack food fix, it's practically its own food group. Most northerners would agree with me. Those that don't are naive and are not credible sources. I would even go as far as arguing that not liking Dunkin' is un-American. Yea, I said it. The sooner you accept it, the better off you'll be.

See? You're a patriot when you go with Dunkin'.

Here's the unfortunate thing: it's not the same down south. Sure, it's the same chain. It's not like they call it Dippin' Donuts or Dunkin' Muffins, but the food and drinks just don't have the same appeal. It's pretty clear to me that it isn't only pizza, bagels and many other baked goods that taste different outside of New York. The most consistent argument is the water up there. You can't deny that there's a distinct difference, and it all has to do with the baked breads and pastries.

I'd club baby seals for a New York pizza right now.

What am I saying? I'd do that anyway...

What I was more surprised to find is the difference in the coffee. You may think I'm crazy because of a statement like that (then again, you may think I'm crazy for a ton of other reasons, but that's beside the point). Think about the coffee making process. It's rather simple, but one of the things that is said to make a good cup of coffee better is using filtered water. I'm wondering how big of a difference there is between the filtered water and tap water. Or, even more interesting, I'm wondering if the filtered water is still different between New York and down here. I'd have a real tough time believing that the coffee is any different from place to place, so that narrows it down to the water. Why? Because the coffee doesn't have the same taste. I honestly think the flavor is bolder and more distinct in New York, and I miss that. You don't believe me? Come down and try it for yourself.

Why can't you be more delicious down here, dammit?!

As for the food there, well the variance may be even more vast than the coffee. Is it the difference in taste? Sort of. I know the water has something to do with it, but down here, I believe it's the sheer sales volume. Now you must think I'm really crazy. Think about it. The more they sell, the faster they have to produce fresh food. The fresher it is, the easier it is to provide quality product. That's a simple concept in food service, yet it makes a huge impact in improving their bottom line and maintaining a consistent flow of customers. I can't fault the region for Dunkin' not being as popular down here, considering there are several other options for silencing a rumbling stomach that aren't available up north. It just sucks to know that something so familiar can be made so unfamiliar.

Imagine this, except half as full and twice as old.

I guess that's the trade-off for having better barbecue and seafood down here. If only my breakfast didn't have to suffer.

D.

Some Statistics Mean Nothing

When I was in college, my major was statistics. It's not that I enjoyed it necessarily, it's more that it made sense to me. It was logical, understandable and all it required for me was a hefty amount of memorization; the math was the easy part. Your typical statistics class will teach you more about the different ways of computing numbers based on some analysis or study and how it can be broken down, as opposed to just talking about athletes' performances or simple poll results. Sure, those are derived from the statistical process, but they are more for news media to overemphasize to scare, warn or simply inform the general public. I'm here to tell you that some of these stats that they come out with are useless. They are pure garbage, meant only to make you believe there is a dire need to focus on them. You probably hear them more often than you realize, too.

A very serious poll, obviously.

As I've mentioned before, I work in an environment that houses many risks, including but not limited to cutting hazards, hazmat spills, lift equipment accidents and several other everyday tasks that could effect someone's long-term well-being. OSHA, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, has certain standards that are federally upheld that are to be followed by all businesses with no exception. There are incidents at work that are rather minor, then there are some that are severe enough to be reported to OSHA. No matter what, each incident is recorded, including who was involved, what happened, when, where and why, plus how it could have been prevented. A lot of those facts documented are very important. It helps in guiding employees to working safer, such as knowing what hazards to avoid and how to prevent them.

Here's something that we hear about more frequent than anything else though: which day of the week most of our incidents have happened on. At most workplaces, it's Friday. End of the week, you're tired, you want to go home, and you end up losing focus. It makes sense. At my job, it just happens to be Tuesday. Does it make much sense? No. Does my manager try to rationalize why it's most frequent on Tuesdays? He does try. It's nothing more than mere circumstance. Accidents happen every day in several different lines of work, so it's no surprise to me that each workplace would have a different day observed as the one with the most incidents. When I go to work Tuesday, I'm actually going to hear about how it's more important to stay safe that day than the rest of the week...but we should still focus on safety on the other days as well. This is easily one of the most overstressed bullshit statistics I've ever seen or heard. I think it's time to put more emphasis on the physical environment and risks involved rather than what day of the week it just happened to fall on. Given I have weekends off, I'd say the day it fell on would be relevant if it was recorded on a Saturday. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about it. It's not important, period.

Good thing this happened on a Thursday.

He would have thrown those numbers way off.

How about when you're sitting and watching a game on t.v. and the commentators are going over the numbers of the players and teams that are playing against each other? Since baseball is quickly approaching the postseason, I'll draw my example from that. I previously wrote about Mike Trout, the rookie center fielder for the Angels, who is having a phenomenal season, and is still very close to being on pace with his projected numbers for the full season. When these broadcasters talk about his home run, hit, stolen base and RBI totals, they are standard mentions of a player's accomplishments in a week, month, season or even career. It's when they go into these elaborate, situational statistics that are of no use to anybody. Nobody cares who has the most home runs off of lefty pitchers in September in the seventh inning or later when their team is losing. Only the commentators are concerned about the player's career batting average with men in scoring position, two outs and a full count in night games against the Orioles. If someone finds that random/specific of a stat to be relevant, then they really aren't focused in on the situation at hand. Whatever overly narrowed down number they can produce has no bearing on what the batter is going to do right then and there. They need to stop making up these ridiculous qualifiers of what makes a stat significant or not.

After they deliver that meaningless, nonsense stat,

they will immediately lean in for a kiss. Sad but true.

The only other kind of stats that bother me are the polls that come out during some news story about what some large group of people think about any particular issue. For instance, the next time you see a poll come out about what 'Americans say' on some political issue, really take a minute to understand how generalized their claim is. In all of my years, aside from surveys I have volunteered to participate in, I have not once been approached by anyone asking me the same question I have seen them asking in these polls. Yet they claim that 'Americans say' whatever it is they say. Well sure, you're polling some Americans. If everyone in America was asked the same question, and then the results were released, that would be a very accurate display of what 'Americans say'. When you're only polling a sample, it's extremely simple for the individuals in control of the study to introduce bias to the mix. That throws off what would be the actual results if you got everyone's answer. Not everyone supports the right to gay marriage. I guarantee you that if someone polled every person as they are leaving church some Sunday morning, you're going to get some pretty convincingly one-sided opinions that don't necessarily reflect those of non-churchgoers. See how easy it is to provide the general public with a bullshit stat? Don't believe everything you hear.

They may get some interesting poll results from people leaving this building as well.

Mark Twain attributed a quote from Benjamin Disraeli, saying, "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." Clearly, the manipulation of numbers and figures was not uncommon back in Twain's time, nor was it in the 19th century when Disraeli was British Prime Minister. I'm just echoing their warning of sorts. A statistic is easy to twist to benefit one side of an issue over another. Next time you read up on one, whether it's an important one or not, just see how large-scale of a sampling they actually used to get that information. Don't take it for it's word as absolute truth. Sometimes, it couldn't be further from that.

D.

Husband-Father

So there's this story that I stumbled on while skimming the latest news, and I was shocked, but not in the way that most people might be. I had just woken up from the greatest nap I've taken in a long, long time, and through the hazy fog of exhaustion, I saw the headline 'Woman Unknowingly Married Father' (I'll give you fine folks a few minutes to read through the article so you can have a better understanding of my point of view). I was praying quite a bit that I had misread that, but I'm not sure how else that could have read. Curiosity usually overtakes me, and in this case, it was no different. Something inside me needed to know how that's even possible.

Best nap ever.

If you have read the story by now, I'm under the assumption that you are as disappointed or feel as misinformed as I am. I would imagine that the objective of releasing this bit of news would be to get the details of how they eventually met after being separated for so long, and not only where and when. We live in a Montel Williams, Maury Povich and Jerry Springer sort of world where these are the most crucial facts people want to know. Go ahead and act like I'm lying. You could be the most tame person who does not gossip or need to know everything about everyone, yet because of the bizarre nature of the situation, you're wondering if they met in a bar, club, grocery store, bowling alley, adult novelty store, Halloween costume warehouse or some other venue, and this cliff-hanger leaves you screaming,"DAMMIT, I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!!" The sooner you admit it, the better off you'll be. I'm just speculating here, but I think they met on a dating website, and as we all know, you can find yourself in quite the uncommon scenario meeting online.

Maybe not...but you're still f'd up.

Sure, they go into little details on each person and how it came to be that they were separated, then the brief mention that they came together, then the eventual revelation of what actually took place all those years ago. If you ask me, that headline is enough lead-up for a story that could be talked about for weeks on end. Think of how many people clicked on that page today and were expecting the juiciest 'Oh my God!' sort of tale, and had the same reaction that I did. Here's what I find to be the most shocking aspect of the entire thing: Chelsea J. Carter, the one who wrote the article, did so in such a matter-of-fact way. Don't you think it was pretty surprising how nonchalant the term 'husband-father' is introduced? Think about that: it's not exactly the most common title we have for someone we know. 'Husband-father' is mentioned three times; twice in the story and once more in the story highlights in the margin. Yes, that is an accurate description of the man she married. Got it. Wouldn't you think she'd at least put the first 'husband-father' in some sort of quotation marks like I have it typed out? I would argue that the rarity of the term and its extremely limited use would grant such markings. It would raise the question, "Did she coin the term herself?" rather than, "Why is she so comfortable with the term?" I'm hoping Ms. Carter doesn't have some 'husband-father' of her own that she's too ashamed to own up to.

This is some shit you read in a junk magazine like the Enquirer,

yet it's being told like a page 47 story in the Daily News.

Then there is a mention of how this woman reached out to a couple who, after marriage, found out they were brother and sister. Again, what's with the calm, accepted mentioning of such an event? That's all it was left at, too...a mention. She doesn't elaborate one bit and explain whether or not the 'brother-husband' and 'sister-wife' are divorced, separated, still together or in some catatonic state that I would completely understand if that's the case. Ms. Carter is again abnormally placid. Jerry Springer would have stood there in awe as they attempt assaulting one another on stage. Maury would have spent an hour hyping up the DNA test while egging them on about the 'what-ifs' in case they were related. Montel would have used the time to analyze their feelings and going through a box of Kleenex between the three of them when they admit to the world they already shared the same last name. I guess it's a good thing Chelsea Carter doesn't have her own show, because it would be the most boring shit ever. I'd rather watch golf on t.v. I'd rather learn to cross-stitch than sit through her introducing some earth-shattering story to the general public, yet making it seem like it's an everyday occurrence. Screw that. I'm like everyone else: I want to be entertained. I want you to grab my attention, hold it tight, shake it like a five-year-old misbehaving in Wal-Mart, and keep me interested. By the way, if the brother and sister married each other, would their mother and father then be 'mother/father-not-exactly-within-the-construct-of-the-law'? I'd say that's a rather fitting title, considering the illegality involved. I came up with the title, by the way. Pure genius, I know.

Wal-Mart...the place where stories like these breed.

I just hope that there will be more consideration of how infrequent a particular situation is the next time there is a story like this. With full understanding of how we are as humans, there will never be a shortage of ridiculous, outrageous instances such as these. Someone will inevitably marry a relative, make love to some wild animal or come out with some fetish that doesn't even make sense, and once again, we will be entertained. Some people see these individual as human abominations...the rest of us see them as stories to look forward too. Which one are you?

D.

Crazy B*tch Sessions, Pt. II

I feel like it's been long enough since my last post about the crazies I have encountered throughout the years. It's never a bad time for such a story, I just want to space them out enough to build up the suspense leading up to the next 'Crazy B*tch' entry. I know plenty of individuals that qualify, so it'll be a long time until I run out of stories to tell. I even mentioned to a coworker today that I should write a book about it. I'll call it '50 Shades Of Crazy', with fifty true tales of the most bizarre miscreants I have met in my time on this earth. There will be far less of the kinky details that most women are getting from Mr. Grey, but much more of the humorous, shocking and purely ridiculous moments in my life that are made unforgettable by certain lunatics. How crazy are these people? Let's just say I could win the Pulitzer Prize with a book like that.

The book's cover would likely have something like this on it.

The focus of my disdain for today's segment is someone that I am extremely thankful I will never have to deal with again. She is a miserable wench that I can also gratefully state that I never had the displeasure of calling her a dating prospect. I feel like God wasted a pretty face and a nice body when he cloaked this demon with such blessings. I'm sure God's reasons were justified at the time; who am I to cast judgment on the infallible one? All I'm saying is that somewhere between her creation and the last time I saw this succubus, something went horribly wrong. Luckily, I'll never have the need to find out what. So are you ready? Too bad if you're not, because it's time for:

CRAZY B*TCH SESSION

Pt. II - René

There's a little bit of a lead-up to really get this story rolling, so bear with me. There was a revolving door of roommates in the apartment I was living in between the later months of 2010 until the end of June of 2011. I was living with a friend in the Navy who was easy-going, great to hang out with and neither of us gave each other any unnecessary shit. We'll refer to him as 'Benoit' to maintain anonymity. The vital subtraction of the master creep we were living with was one of the greatest decisions we ever made. Unfortunately, it took a major toll on the affordability of our apartment. In order to make up for the lost rent contribution, Benoit suggested a solution that sounded quite logical at the time. He had a brother, who we'll call 'Lucifer' for his ability to summon the demon in question, who was willing to move up from Florida to be the third roommate. Within a couple of weeks, he was on board and moved in, and things were a little less stressful financially.

Lucifer was even more laid back than Benoit, which at first was fine, yet it quickly became a hindrance and a drain on our resources. He was quickly showing signs of being unreliable, and it wasn't only evident to Benoit and I. It didn't take long for Lucifer to find a girlfriend, and that's where René comes in. Alright, let's stop here for a moment. Yes, her name is René. Only one 'e' at the end. Am I mistaken when I make the assertion that René is a popular name for a Frenchman? Her parents must have left off that last 'e' for 'enablers', because clearly that's what they are. Anyway, her presence in the apartment was steadily becoming more frequent and less desired. She was all of 85 pounds soaking wet with buckshot in her pockets. Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, and her laugh was exponentially worse. In small doses, she could be tolerated, but this was soon to be no longer a possibility.

Without warning, Lucifer invited her to move in with us, including her obnoxious little pug. Normally, I don't mind the breed, but when paired with/raised by pure evil, it becomes a viable option for punting practice. Not long after moving in (I'd venture to guess about two weeks or so), she adopted a second pug which she automatically assumed would be welcomed into the home. I wasn't thrilled, but I also wasn't paying the majority of rent, so even with the longest tenure of residence there, I had little say in the matter. Benoit let it slide, so I did the same. Well, these two pugs were loud, annoying and pissing anywhere they wanted to because she was far too lazy to take them for walks when it was clear they needed it. They actually marked their territory twice on one of my comforters, only to dribble down to the carpet to leave a ravishing yellow stain to clean up. I kept my mouth shut the first time, but made my bitterness clear on the second go-round. I'm pretty sure this was when things began to crumble.

Benoit then received orders that would take him to Florida, effective almost immediately. I can't fault the guy, honestly...when duty calls, it's out of his control. I was scrambling to find a place to live, and at the time, I had very limited options. The most logical choice at the time was to temporarily find a cheap two-bedroom place to live with Lucifer and René, all while keeping an ongoing search for an escape from what I knew would be a disaster-in-the-making. We did some apartment hunting, and to cut out mundane details, we found something with a lot of promise and potential. When it came time to get names on the lease, she suddenly wouldn't cooperate because of a 'bad credit history', which I later found out wasn't bad...it was atrocious. So Lucifer and I got our names on the lease and quietly kept her and the pugs along for the ride without the apartment complex knowing. I know I shouldn't have let that happen, but strangely it helped me later on that I did, but I'll get to that shortly.

The third weekend in June came along, and it was moving day. I rented a U-Haul, had all of my things packed in a timely fashion, ready to be transported from one place to the next, and I was on a mission. René and Lucifer, on the other hand, were so unprepared for the move, I would have been better off with two crippled deaf, dumb and blind infants. They both left for reasons I still can't understand on more than one occasion, leaving myself, the Scotsman, Biff, and a future 'Crazy B*tch' to be named later (leaving you in even more suspense...mission accomplished) to move all three of our belongings. Some people said I should have just left their stuff for them to eventually take care of, but I would have had to take the financial hit if the apartment wasn't spotless upon inspection, and I wasn't having any of that. Once again, some details can be skipped, everything was eventually moved out, and it was time to do the cleanup before inspection. This is where the situation truly went downhill...more like down a rocky cliff.

Imagine that as a U-Haul.

Lucifer and René were keeping the door to Benoit's old room shut when I was home, and I wasn't really concerned with why when I had ten tons of things to move out of there. The day I went in to clean, the horror that ensued was unimaginable. Now I make it sound like there was a dead body in there, but in hindsight, I may have preferred that. At least I would have a solid alibi, which they couldn't say the same. I am going from room to room, I open the door and there are five separate yellow stains on the carpet. One of them was damn near neon. It looked like it was stained by a broken glow stick, and was just as impossible to scrub out. No matter what we did to clean it, I knew for sure the carpet would need to be replaced in the entire apartment. Little did I know, there was animal urine found in four different rooms, not just mine and Benoit's, when the apartment did the inspection. Considering there was never a pet in that place until she moved her little mutant mutts in, she was responsible for all of it. When I was eventually charged for the damages, she refused to pay, stating that I can't prove they were from her pugs. Considering the great rapport Benoit and I had with the landlord, we had someone of importance backing up our claims, which was nice.

So to cut out some more useless info, we were living in an uncomfortable cloud of miserable disagreement for a few days. Some of the things we disagreed on were:

• The bill for carpet replacement
• Bills for power, internet, gas and cable
• The use of food that was eaten, yet not purchased, by the other

The list could go on, but you get the point. The arguments against the bills were that they believed they didn't owe me for any of it. This includes past bills from the first apartment and the current bills. As for the food, I never said a word to them each time they went to town on some bit of groceries I bought, but once I had a beer or two from the eighteen-pack they bought, it was instantly a crime. So five days and nights had come and gone. Day six was coming up, and I got up early as I always do for work. That's when it happened.

What happened? Oh, I got a front-and-back three page note from René taped to the front door knob. If I had the scanner to post the note itself, I would. Maybe another day I can get that taken care of. Until then, you'll have to take my word for it. This note went on and on about how terrible of a roommate I am, how much of a horrible person I am to be around, and the reassurance that I won't be reimbursed for owed bills. It was an extremely redundant note with poor spelling and grammar and an overall lack of substantiality that would only be fully appreciated when read in person. After reading it, I made the decision: I'm moving out immediately. That meant breaking the lease, which I'll briefly touch on those details soon.

That's right. I lived with those bottom-feeders for six days in the new place before moving out. One of the best decisions I've ever made. It's right up there with starting up this blog. Admit it, you agree. I spoke with the aforementioned 'Crazy B*tch' to be named later, and within a day, I was moving my things out of the new place and into the new-new place with her. I took the issues at hand to the apartment complex, explained everything in great detail, gave them copies of the note I was given, and had her reported as an unlawful occupant who is unlawfully housing pets, giving her thirty days to vacate the premises, otherwise she'd be escorted out by law enforcement. After all of my belongings were out of there, I didn't hesitate to make their lives a little tougher. They quickly forgot that all of the utilities were in my name, so when I cut the internet, then the gas, then the power...well let's just say I wasn't very well-liked.

Not a UFO sighting. This is the two of them powerless in the powerless apartment.

So breaking the lease meant we owed the next sixty days worth of rent, plus the penalty for breaking the lease which is two more months rent. I also had the bills I was already trying to catch up on because they refused to pay me. In the end, the three of us owed close to $5000. I was surprised to find that they paid their two-thirds for the month of July, but as I expected, they skipped town and didn't pay a single dime more after that. With my name on the lease, I was left responsible to cover the full amount if they didn't pay. So roughly two months and $4000 later (including every penny I had in my savings account), I saved my credit three days before it was due when I handed the apartment the last check owed.

Basically, I was a reasonable, compliant, generous roommate that was being taken advantage of by two kids that never want to grow up and be actual adults. She was the puppet-master controlling Lucifer the whole time, so I put the majority of the blame on her. René is the absolute epitome of a waste of life. She's a worthless, heartless, spoiled, evil wretch of a girl that deserves many of the horrible things that happen to all the good people out there. I hope nobody I know ever has to come in contact with her, because you'd be wasting your time, energy and breath on this poor excuse for a human being. Without question, she's up at the top of my list of crazy b*tches, and it will take something extreme and epic to move someone new above her.

I almost forgot to mention some elements of the story I had earlier mentioned. Keep in mind, I didn't find any of this out until after I broke the lease. Why was her credit so bad? Well it turns out she had moved to California and ran up charges on several credit cards, which she never ended up paying off, and in order to ditch those bills, she moved back in with mommy and daddy. After a brief stint there, she moved in with some friends, and to cut a long story down, she bailed on them and refused to pay her end, breaking a lease once before. As for the eventual move-in the the first apartment? That wasn't entirely by her choice, since she was kicked out of her parents' house for mooching off of them too long. All of this would have been great to know before moving in with them, but it is what it is.

So there you have it. Crazy b*tch René. For future reference, please keep in mind the only reason I censor that term is I do not enjoy referring to any woman in such a derogatory manner, so with respect to women in general, I make that one small edit. If it wasn't for all the amazing women out there, I'd refrain from censorship there. That's the only thing I'll keep restraint on when it comes to Kristen, René and any of the future subjects I'll reflect on. Keep checking for the next installment...it's sure to be a doozy.

D.

"I generally trust people."....why?!

Trust is something that certainly needs to be earned. Whether it's someone in your family, a close friend, a coworker, another random acquaintance or even a perfect stranger, it's crucial to know that if you need to rely on them, you can. Some of these instances could involve your well-being. Don't you think that's worth the satisfaction of knowing if a person is to be trusted or not? They could be relative to your personal belongings. Isn't it fair to say that you would like for whatever it is you own to remain in the condition it was in when that person was left responsible? I know I do. Do you have something personal that you want to tell somebody and not have news of it spread like a plague? I sure hope you can absolutely trust that person with the message you're about to deliver. These are some of the things I think about when I need to determine how much I trust someone, because too many things can go wrong, and that's what I want to talk about today.

A trust fund is an integral part of friendship equity. Admit it,

that's comedy genius; chalk another one up for Johnny Mullet.

I work in an environment that houses heavy machinery for tasks that a person can not physically handle all on their own. In order to use one of these machines, you are required to go through hours upon hours of safety and instructional lessons to learn how to operate them, followed by a 'driving test' of sorts that requires certain tasks to be performed in order to obtain a license. Now that I am one of these trainers, I make sure that the individuals I am teaching are all fully capable of using these machines without needing me around later on. Why is that so important? Well if they screw up and cause any sort of damage, violate some safety standard or end up hurting somebody (including themselves), it might not only come down on them for making the mistake, but also the person who handed them a license. One could easily argue that I am responsible for any incident that could come up, citing that I was too quick to hand them a license. I'm not willing to take that chance, so I need to be able to trust that the person is absolutely ready for it.

I would not want to be responsible for something like this.

In regards to driving, that's another thing I would want to know: that I can be a passenger in your vehicle and make it from A to B in one piece. Obviously, you can't just assume you know how a person drives before you actually ride along with them for a first or second time. After a maximum of two rides, I feel like I can gauge whether or not I want to be in that car with them. If they can't prove to me that they aren't complete maniacs on the road, then I'll find another way to get where I need to go. I don't care if you are a close personal friend, family member or coworker, if I haven't been in your car more than once or twice when I've had a choice in the matter, it's very likely I don't trust you as a driver. By the way, you don't need to drink or text while your driving to be terrible at it. That just makes you exponentially worse than you already are. Both can wait until you get where you need to go, period. Some people just hop right in and don't think of what the consequences could be if the person behind the wheel is a complete buffoon. What makes them so worthy of your trust? Their personality might not necessarily reflect their driving capabilities, so keep that in mind the next time you choose your chauffeur. 

Not photoshopped. Imagine being trapped in the passenger seat.

That leads me to one of the most significant possessions that you'd want to protect: your car. There are so many angles on this one thing alone. First, are you going to allow someone else (not covered by your insurance, mind you) to just hop in and take your car for a spin? Refer to the previous paragraph to help in your decision. If that plus the lack of insurance coverage doesn't deter you, then by all means, be my guest and let them drive. How about when you drive someplace and have to park in a public lot? I even keep my guard up when my car is parked and I walk away from it. How? I make sure that I park it alongside a curb or some inanimate object that I know will not be able to inflict damage to it. As long as I am covered on one side, I only then need to be worried about the other side being hit. I'm willing to cut my odds in half every time, no doubt about it. Then you're probably wondering why I'm so worried about my car getting hit in a parking lot. That's easy: pay attention to the way other people drive around you on the road. People on the phone, texting, sometimes drinking, putting makeup on, not looking before turns or lane changes, all of which are happening while they are speeding, weaving through traffic, riding your ass or cutting you off. Suddenly you have no problem parking in any open spaces? I hope I opened your mind to rethinking that one. Who's to say they don't drive just as crazy in a parking lot than they do out on the road? There's no sense in giving them the opportunity. We all invest way too much money and time in our vehicles to risk someone else f'n it all up. Without even knowing it, you all have put your trust in these strangers to not royally screw up and ruin your day. Think twice next time you park in the vicinity of others.

This may not seem like a real possibility.

You clearly underestimate human nature.

On to your personal thoughts and feelings, things I take highly into consideration, whether you believe me or not. Most of you, that is. The truth hurts, folks. Anyway, when somebody tells me something in confidence, I hope they understand that I'm not going to divulge that information to anyone else, especially if I know it could negatively effect them. Of course that is unless you wrong me tremendously, then you're just giving me ammunition to use at my discretion. If you come to me with a problem, worry, concern or need for advice, I do take that seriously and would not do anything to break your trust in me. With that in mind, I keep many of my own issues bottled up inside. There are some I open up to, but it takes a ton of confidence in those people for me to do so. Some of them are not necessarily the same people I trust as drivers, but there are different prerequisites for each. The people that air out their issues to just about anyone do so for attention. Either that, or they are naive enough to think that everyone is capable of keeping a secret. By naive, I mean stupid. Here are a few examples of people you should not share personal information with:

• Frequent gossipers
• Individuals that you have yet to determine how much of a friend that person really is.
• Someone who is on Facebook all day, every day
• Family members that never had a problem embarrassing you throughout your childhood, and continue to do so to this day
• Jerry Springer

This should help you narrow down your list rather convincingly. I can't promise that your secret will never get out, but you are greatly reducing the risk by following this suggested list of trust offenders. Thankfully for your sake, I don't qualify for any of those. Just to reassure you all, I'm definitely not Jerry Springer. True story.

There's a real winner.

And now for my final thought...er...sign-off. Put some thought into who you trust. Your life, possessions, thoughts, religion and sexual preference might depend on it. Okay, maybe not your religion...

Condescending Wonka...love it.

D.