The Wonderful World Of Awkward Happenings
These moments are ones that most of us have experienced many, many times before, but rarely talk about. They aren't necessarily things you should be ashamed of, but rather things that you keep to yourself so you don't end up embarrassing yourself or someone else. This is just the beginning, folks. Get ready...
The first moment, or several related moments, deals with handshakes. It is generally accepted that a 'nice firm handshake' is the most appropriate. You also hear 'you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake'. I don't really know how true that is. That really depends on the circumstance as to why you're shaking hands in the first place, and how strong each person is. I have a pretty firm handshake, but as we all know, I work out.
Anyway...
One variable in shaking hands is how the person approaches you. Have you ever had someone who is still a decent distance away from you (we'll say ten or more feet, give or take a couple), and as they anticipate the handshake, they extend their arm as they walk toward you well before they are within range? I call this one the 'joust'. God forbid a lapse of attention or a misjudgment on depth perception takes place, and suddenly you're jabbed in the midsection by some guy's four fingertips. Not a likely scenario, but you get the picture. How about when a guy comes to you with his hand at about shoulder height as if he's going for a hi-five, when suddenly his arm takes a nose dive toward your torso for a quick strike handshake? That one is the 'kamikaze'. Like the joust, this could end tragically (pun very much intended). If you get faked out badly enough, his kamikaze could end up hitting your kami-crotch-e. You shouldn't have to constantly wear a cup in anticipation of one of these. One other kind worth mentioning is what I call the 'Clint Eastwood'. You can probably figure that one out, but I'll tell you anyway. Any guy that comes to shake your hand, but keeps his arm real low (in the groinal region) and close to the body, almost as if he's shooting from the hip. It feels as though he's a little too comfortable with another man being within his danger zone. This one can also be referred to as the 'sex offender'. If the arm is raised above the waist, free and clear of his man area, it can then be referred to as the 'alligator arm' or the 'T-rex'. Either way, it's weird.
John McCain attempted to joust Obama. Just another thing he failed to achieve that year.
She's an unlucky recipient of a kamikaze. I bet he's not even from Brooklyn.
Do you feel lucky? Well...do ya...punk?
So now that we've established the bizarre approaches, we'll get into the handshake itself. I'll start off with probably the most contradictory version: the 'stress test'. You are approached, a handshake is imminent, your hands lock...there is no movement. At all. As soon as he grabs your hand, you feel a ton of pressure and nothing else. Why would it be called a handshake if you don't shake? Otherwise, it's just two people idly standing there in a strange embrace. Nobody wants that. Nobody even wants to witness that. Plus, your hand will be in immense pain because it feels like they are testing their own strength. This is not easily escaped previous to your fingertips losing circulation. What about the 'drip grip'? This is when your hands come together and the other person's hand isn't completely dry. Several concerns race through your mind, mostly about what substance is now being transmitted upon impact. Is it water? Did he just wash his hands and not dry them 100%? Then you fear what's worse...much worse. Is it sweat? What if he just left the restroom and his aim is that bad? My recommendation: wash/sanitize immediately following the encounter. The last type I'll cover is a bit more...persistent. It's called the 'Titanic'. That's because he'll never let go, Jack...he'll never let go. When the hands collide, and the conversation begins, for some reason this guy just won't give you your hand back. He finds it necessary to continue shaking your hand until your chat nears its end. Your only hope is that someone else intervenes and that simple distraction cuts this handshake short. A setting in which many friends, family or coworkers are present is ideal.
Here's a few more to be on the lookout for:
- 'Dead fish' - a wrist so limp, it's like gripping a beached flounder. There's no effort on their part, and it stinks. Not quite as literally, but still.
- 'Quentin Tarantino' - your entire conversation/handshake is accompanied by an incredibly creepy stare. You're left wondering if he's imagining you naked or plotting your death.
- 'Octopus' - for some reason, the person shaking your hand is letting their fingers wander. It feels like tentacles are slithering over your knuckles; you feel violated, and appropriately so.
- 'Bromance' - the handshake is quickly followed by a quick tug to bring you in closer. You're not quite sure if he wants to bring you in for a hug or if he is actually an intense close-talker.
Not a flounder. Holy Mackerel!
I'm pretty sure he's imagining you dead...and naked.
He caressed one too many knuckles, now no one will play with him.
The handshake was cropped out of this photo...I hope.
Stay tuned for future W-WOAH entries. There are plenty.
D.
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