W-WOAH II

This segment will be aimed more toward guys, mainly because I don't think many women do this. It's a situation that many men have participated in, yet they shouldn't. It is non-sexual in nature, so feel free to let out a large sigh of relief if you must. Some men are frequently guilty of doing this, while most others are victims of their social error. Here it is: men that find it necessary to begin/continue conversations while the other guy is at the urinal/in the stall in a public restroom. So here's to another episode of...

The Wonderful World Of Awkward Happenings

Bathroom Etiquette

They are in clear violation of the unwritten laws of the restroom.

Too many times, I have gone into the bathroom at work only to be witness to two guys having a chit chat while they're peeing. What's even more awkward is when I'm already in there doing my thing, and someone wants to strike up conversation with me. This is not the time or venue to do so. Let's go over the facts:

• Your hand is on your exposed junk. This reason alone is enough to present a strong case, but this wouldn't be a very long blog entry.
• With the first reason in mind, you are standing near the other guy at a distance that could range from a few feet away to a few inches away. That is way too close for comfort even at the furthest distance.
• As the picture above illustrates, some restrooms don't have dividers between each urinal. In that scenario, your focus should always be on what you are doing. Any head-turning is questionable, and should be treated as hostile. Any violator of these terms is subject to a future ass-kicking.
• It is very likely you will see this person again shortly after the bathroom break. This would be the time to carry on with your little chat. I assure you it can wait.
• There may even be other people in the bathroom that don't want to hear your discussion, especially while they're taking a piss. Hell, you probably don't want them to hear it either.

The best way to approach the situation if someone attempts to talk to you is not instinctively easy. Normally, based on the person talking and what they're talking about, it's fair to say that you'll know if that person is talking to you in particular. With that said, a person's natural reaction is to acknowledge and respond. My suggestion is to look down at what you're doing and silently pretend like you aren't listening or don't realize they're talking to you. Finish what you're doing, zip it up, flush (unless it does it automatically of course), and then only if they are not at a urinal themselves should you even think of entertaining their repartee. I'd say that it is safe to converse when all hands are under warm soapy water in the sinks. Got it? Good.

Let's not forget to wash...your hands were just on your junk. Think about that before you have lunch.

Another example of questionable activity in a public lavatory is engaging in a dialogue with someone within a stall. The only thing less concerning is the fact that you are behind a locked door (assuming it's not broken of course) and in most cases, no one can see you in there. If they can, they're trying way too hard, and then we're talking about a whole other type of bathroom violation, one that I should not even have to discuss. Personally, I don't have shame in anyone knowing I'm in a stall. Bathroom noises are going to happen. Everyone makes them. Deal with it. In that case, I just want to get in there, do what I need to do and get out. Please don't try communicating to me...I'm busy. For those that don't want anyone to know they are dropping a deuce, I completely understand. So I will not embarrass that person by forcing them to talk while they're in there. Leave these people alone. I'm sure your family, roommate, significant other, pet...whatever...doesn't want to chat while you're taking care of business. Why should it be any different in public? Again, the best approach is to ignore the person. Then they look like an idiot and you can just go on finishing what you came there to do.

Don't respond...just grab your ankles, bite your lip and give it hell.

The only exception to these 'rules' is a very common, overused joke. We all know it. We've all heard it before. It doesn't vary much from, "The water's cold today." The delivery of this joke is crucial in order for it to retain it's comedic value. Otherwise, shut the hell up and just pee. Or at least come up with something more original. Everyone knows you have no clue what the water's temperature is. If you do, you are doing something terribly wrong. Like existing. Yea, I said it.

The Rock will make sure you never do it again. Go ahead...I dare you.

There are more moments that could be mentioned, but anything more than talking is punishable by blunt force trauma. So please, men...take my advice and resist the urge to strike up a conversation with your buddy while he's taking a few moments to drain the main vein. I promise to give you that courtesy, so I hope you will do the same.

D.