Ball Peen Hammer: Knowing how immature even grown men can be, there's no way you can convince me that most men don't laugh each time they see/hear it called a ball peen hammer. Let's (gently) break it down. For those unaware, the non-striking side of a hammer is referred to as the peen. On this particular hammer, the peen is spherical in shape, like a ball. As advertised, it makes perfect sense. When the dirty mind takes over, this takes on a whole different image. It's possible the name could come from the item it is meant to strike, such as a tack hammer. That frightening thought has men cringing and protecting their groins right this minute. Suppose its name is more of a description of what it looks like. Homophobic men everywhere would never put their hands on one ever again if they knew it referred to the phallic nature of the tool. Suggestions for an alternate name: Round-back? Sphere-end? That's about all I've got.
I don't care what you call it, just don't hit me with it and we'll be good.
Butt Joint: Wow. Where do I begin? Well let's keep it consistent and give the accepted 'definition'. This is when two pieces of wood, moulding or drywall are brought together and 'butt up' to one another and attach as necessary. It's not a very strong joint, so it is normally used where physical support is not crucial. When you introduce it to a twisted mind, it can be pictured in a very bizarre way. Siamese twins, perhaps? It'd be an awful situation to share an ass with your own brother or sister. Sharing a room is bad enough. That would make trips to the bathroom mighty interesting. Maybe butt joint is a term used by pot smokers. It wouldn't make sense that a joint would be butt-shaped. I'm guessing butt joints are pretty popular in prisons though. How else do you think they get smuggled in there? Alternate suggestions: maybe just call it a weak or simple joint. Much easier to understand.
On the left you see normal joints...on the right, butt joints. Someone said those taste funny.
Penal Code/System: The link provided describes it better than I can, but in short, it's a general document listing the crimes and offenses a person can commit, usually with some sort of explanation of terms and range of punishments due. What if it was directed at the male anatomy? I've heard of 'guy code', so is it possible this is a nickname for that? It could be. 'Penal' is really just a derivative in complex guy math. A penal system sounds more like something you'd learn about in your high school health class. 'Male anatomy' is just the euphemism for penal system. Alternate suggestions: stop breaking the law, and you won't have to worry about it.
The California Penal Code: The Criminal Justice Bible.
Wife-beater: This one is much more curious than it seems at first. Considering it is deplorable to commit the offense itself, it's amazing how accepted the term has become in our society thanks to a little show called 'Cops'. Every time these officers get a domestic disturbance/abuse call, a pattern starts to develop. The guy steps out of his house in a soiled, too-small-for-his-enormous-gut white, ribbed, sleeveless shirt on and dares to defend his reason for hitting his spouse. The constant appearance of these shirts earned them the nickname 'wife-beaters'. My question is why is that acceptable? What makes it ok to rename an article of clothing because it's seen more broken homes than Disney movies? It shouldn't be. Oh, and another thing...does it have to be a wife? I'm certain a wedding ring doesn't suddenly motivate a man to commit physical abuse. Let's say a man and woman are dating for a while, they get engaged and are set to be husband and wife. He wears these shirts frequently around the house and nobody bats an eye. Based on the nickname, I'd say she should worry a little bit once vows are exchanged and he wears one again. Alternate suggestions: if you're going to call them wife-beaters, you might as well call them fiancée-beaters and girlfriend-beaters too. Why be discriminatory?
The true face of America. All he needs is Budweiser, 'Free Bird', and a potential victim.
Pedometer: It really depends on your pronunciation when talking about a pedometer. This device is used to count steps and help record your distance travelled via foot or bike. Sounded out, it's "ped-ah-mit-ter". Harmless, right? Well my warped mind has an idea. I believe someone should invent the Pedometer..."peddo-meeter". You may ask, "What is that, Dan?" Well I'll be glad to enlighten you. Have you ever watched those Dateline NBC 'To Catch A Predator' shows where those ultra-creeps get caught trying to fornicate with minors? Then when they find out Chris Hansen is the closest thing to a sexual partner they'll meet that night, they try to leave as fast as possible, only to be accosted by the police waiting outside. They are then booked, brought in for questioning, then put in jail. Then comes the penal system (we've come full circle...). Here's what should be a new element of their punishment. As part of the sex offender's registry of which they are now members, there should be a gps/tracking unit/beacon/computer chip of some sort implanted in these guys. This device will list the offender's location at all times, the offense they committed, the degree/severity of the offense, and time left in their sentence...all publicly viewable online. What's that? That would be a violation of that person's human rights, you say? When he tried to molest a 13-year-old or assaulted some innocent woman, I'd say he pissed his rights away. There will be no sympathy from this guy, and perhaps we'd all feel a little more at ease knowing there will be fewer repeat offenders with that in place. Alternate suggestions: call the step counter a step counter. Period. Allow me to have credit for coming up with the real 'Pedometer'.
"You will not be having sex with a young girl tonight, but I do know a guy named Tyrone who would love to make it up to you...in prison..." - Chris Hansen
Maybe you agree with me, maybe not. I just hope to have entertained you by broadening your thoughts on these normally benign terms. I kept myself entertained, so that should count for something.
D.
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