One of these is my blog's pill. The other is a bath salt pill. I forget which is which. The choice is yours.
Well folks, football season is upon us. This is the time of year that all men are on a steady diet of chili, beer and players' fantasy stats. All women, on the other hand, are being ignored (more than usual, that is). I'm not saying anything terrible, we all know it's true, let's just put it out there. I don't mean to rationalize why that happens, but it's an escape from the everyday stresses we all go through, and by 'we all', I am implying everyone, men and women. We spend most of our week working, paying bills, doing household chores, grocery shopping, tending to our pets, and somehow we mix in 6-8 hours of sleep each night.
When the weekend comes around, (sane) men want nothing more than to relax on the couch and watch angry, padded man-beasts try to mutilate each other...all while trying to score more points than the other guys. Some women enjoy watching football as well, and I commend them for being super amazing. The ones that don't, I get it...it's not your thing. It's all good. Just think for a moment, though...what do those women like to do to bypass the stresses in their lives? Go shopping, read books/magazines, nap, have huge half-naked pillow fights with a dozen other women...I don't know, but there must be something to pass the time. What I'm really getting at is I think the disagreeing parties should better understand their partner in what eases their stress. Guys...don't piss and moan because your lady wants to go lay down and read 50 Shades of Grey while you take out the trash and walk the dog. Ladies...remember that moment when the guys want to sit and watch the Cowboys get beat by whoever they're playing (it doesn't matter who, as long as they lose). It'll be a lot easier to coexist knowing we each need our time to wind down; both genders need to just let it happen.
Perhaps Kathy Bates is the reason all women think football 'is the devil!!'
Now that my two cents are in on that issue, let's get down to what we should be excited about this football season. There's always a lot of hype across the NFL, whether it be one player, a whole team, a coach, upper management...whatever the case may be. There is always a story to follow, and likewise there are always those individuals who can't resist giving us stories. Here's what we have to look forward to:
- Peyton Manning is a Bronco - The long-time Colt has moved on from Indy. I'm certain both Peyton and the Colts organization had their reasons for separating, so that's no longer an issue. I do believe one incentive for Peyton to play for Denver is that part of his contract ensures him a Mars Attacks sized helmet that will actually fit his gigantic Easter Island head. These questions will surely be answered this year:
- Will Denver's offensive line enable him to perform as successfully as he did in Indianapolis?
- Will the offensive coordinator be humble enough to bow out when Peyton audibles 7 times per down?
- Can he come up with an alibi if his brother Eli wins a third Super Bowl and turns up dead in his home from a vicious stabbing?
- Andrew Luck - The golden child out of Stanford University will most certainly start for the Indianapolis Colts now that Manning hit the road. Everyone seems to think Luck is the real deal, and will be a perfect fit in the NFL, more importantly the Indy system. It's always interesting to see how a player lives up to the amount of hype he has received before stepping foot on a field during the regular season. His first pass in his first preseason game went for a touchdown. Impressive, yes. Only thing is it was a screen pass. That's a better play-call/catch-and-run than the media makes it out to be. Matt Ryan (aka Matty Ice) threw a laser down the field to an open receiver for a touchdown on his first career NFL pass attempt. That's a lot to live up to, Mr. Luck. Just sayin'. (Insert obvious "Good 'Luck'" joke here)
- The Saints 'Bounty Scandal' - Perhaps it was too good to be true to see long term success on behalf of the New Orleans Saints. They may be well on their way to becoming the Ain'ts again. Sure, Drew Brees is one of the greatest quarterbacks since Ryan Leaf, but it's going to be tough to win games when three of their best defensive starters are suspended for a minimum of three games while the rest continue to be investigated for their role in the 'program'. Personally, I have enjoyed seeing the Saints performing well, so it'd be a real shame to watch it slip away.
- Chad "OchoCinco" Johnson/Terrell Owens/Randy Moss - Is it possible we can see these guys make headlines for making plays and scoring touchdowns more frequently than spousal abuse, avoiding child support payments, or just being a cancer to their team? No? Not even a glimmer of hope? Hahaha...I almost got through that without laughing.
- The 'Madden Curse' - Calvin Johnson, aka Megatron, will grace the cover of the new Madden NFL video game. History has shown that each player has fallen victim to this curse each and every year. Can the best receiver in the game today dodge the proverbial bullet? I hope so. For one, maybe we'll stop annually hearing about another stupid curse (see Chicago Cubs, Boston Red Sox...they are/were not curses, these choke artists just happened to suck for a really long time). Also, he's exciting to watch. Who wants to see the competition dwindle down because the Lions just had their best receiver go down to injury? Here's to looking forward to a healthy season, Megatron.
- R-G-III - Robert Griffin III is the newest solution to the Redskins' problems. At least they hope he is. The crazy part is I want to see him succeed. Coming from an Eagles fan, that may be hard to believe, but I think my reasoning is pretty substantial. If he performs well, the NFC East will rise back to being a very competitive division once again. Let's face it, the Redskins haven't exactly been relevant since Dan Snyder took charge, and his decisions have been questionable at best since day one. It would be a shame to see such a talented athlete fall victim to a failed system, so I would actually like to see him turn it around for them. This wouldn't necessarily prove Snyder to be any kind of genius, but rather that RG3 could be that missing piece.
Actual mold used for Peyton Manning's new helmet.
"Dude, they're gonna be extremely pissed if you're not better than Peyton..." - Roger Goodell
"I do not like positive media attention." - All 3, apparently.
Hopefully, he's not about to catch a cleat to the throat or something.
If RG3 can't lead his team to victory, evidently he can at least teach them to levitate. That's badass.
Shameless Super Bowl Prediction:
San Francisco 49ers v. Baltimore Ravens
(Harbaugh v. Harbaugh)
D.
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