And the award goes to...

Part I: Vile Voices

Some people have the kind of voices that make you feel like jamming an ice pick into one ear all the way through the opposite one. I have a small list I compiled of these such voices. I took some time to gather the names of several candidates, and then narrowed it down as best I could. There are plenty of people that qualified for at least consideration, but these few individuals just do a hell of a job separating themselves from the rest of the proverbial herd. In order to narrow it down to a select few, I broke them down into categories, so it's nice and organized. I will also acknowledge that this is my list, and people may or may not agree with my assessment. Those who don't agree...well you're wrong, so poo on you. Here we go...

Worst Voice of an Actress

And the award goes to...

Fran Drescher. Everyone knows that blood-curdling laugh. That raspy, high-pitched whiny sound that emanates from deep within her diaphragm is all too familiar. Never has a New York accent been so unappealing. This talentless woman hails from Flushing, Queens, which is appropriate since you'll likely be flushing your regurgitated lunch down the crapper after hearing her demon-squeal. It's pretty incredible to think that her voice has been the one thing that has carried her limited career as far as it's gone. To those who religiously watched the Nanny, or enjoyed her in Beautician and the Beast, or any other filmed abomination she was in, you are responsible for her 'success' and should be ashamed.

Honorable Mention: Joan Rivers - I'd hardly call her an actress, but she qualifies nonetheless. This walking, talking manikin (thanks to her countless plastic surgeries) is hardly a treat to listen to. Either a surgeon nicked her vocal chord with a scalpel, or the infection of her larynx is only in its infant stage of development, and has been for a while.

She was even able to find a wardrobe that complimented her voice. Impressive.

...right back at ya, Cryptkeeper.

Worst Voice of an Actor

And the award goes to...

Gilbert Gottfried. Was there any doubt? I don't think that there should be any reason anyone is famous because they are obnoxiously loud, especially when a conversational tone is required. I can only describe that putrid noise as a gritty hyena scream, and for some reason I can't understand, people eat it up. When Aflac finally decided to (wise up and) get rid of him as the voice of the duck, they lost all of their credibility when they hired a replacement that simply mimics that squinty-eyed putz. You know it's even worse when you consider his finest works on film: every miserable appearance on Hollywood Squares (which housed some of the worst and most rehearsed jokes ever verbalized), Iago from Aladdin (which thankfully we didn't have to see his face in addition), and Jerry the Belly Button Elf from Ren & Stimpy (arguably his best work). He gives Brooklyn a bad name, and everyone else a headache.

Honorable Mention: Carrot Top - This is the second mention of this soulless legendary creep. That childlike whimper he has is just not cool at all. Combine that with the faint lisp he still possesses, and you're looking at a (failed) comedian that possibly lacks man-parts. Wherever they are, his talent packed up and left with them.

Gilbert always looks like he is in the middle of taking a huge dump.

Maybe that's why he's yelling...constipation.

Hide your kids.

Worst Voice of a Female Singer

And the award goes to...

Macy Gray. Am I the only one that thinks she sounds like a muppet with emphysema? I can't be. She sounds like she hasn't had a drop of water to drink in twenty years. Somebody please hydrate this frizzy freak. Can you believe she actually won a Grammy with that wretched tone? If that's the case, give her a damn Oscar for that riveting...check that, revolting...on-stage performance she had in the first Spiderman movie. I bet even Tobey Maguire was pounding on his temples with hammers to have to listen to more than one take of her singing. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to release this poltergeist with an afro into popular media needs to be castrated. Just do it quietly, we won't want to hear their screams either.

Honorable Mention: Sarah McLachlan - This was a close one. I remember my sister listening to this woman let notes escape that resembled the cries of tortured victims from Saw movies. My mother and I agreed that she would be referred to as 'Death' from then on. I haven't heard much from Death in a while, which I consider a blessing. Her only appearances have been on ASPCA commercials, and thankfully, she doesn't talk for long. I think her charitable efforts are what brought on a little mercy in my decision for this one. Consider yourself lucky, Sarah.

Macy doing her best Edward Scissorhands impression. Minus the scissors.

She must have just sucked on a lemon for this one.

Worst Voice of a Male Singer

And the award goes to...

Peter Cetera. The former lead singer of Chicago was also in a tight race for this honor. The only redeeming thing about him is that he was associated with a very talented group of gentlemen. Have you listened to the mindless drivel he released post-Chicago? It has to be some of the most lame, soft, testosterone-free garbage music I've ever heard. Even Simon and Garfunkel want to rochambeau this guy. Hell, it sounds like several people already beat them to it, and deservedly so. The fact that he looks like a broke-ass Michael Douglas really doesn't help his case. Good thing you parted ways with the band, Mr. Cetera, otherwise you wouldn't have landed that audible gem for the Karate Kid: Part II soundtrack that resulted in your only award as a solo artist: the ASCAP Award for the Most Performed Song from a Motion Picture. I didn't even know such an award existed. That's like the 11th place trophy in a 12-team little league. "Because everyone's a winner." Nope...still a loser.

Honorable Mention: John Mayer - The very reason I decided he was not the winner should actually be the reason he is the winner. This dude can play the hell out of a blues guitar, which has nothing to do with his voice, but I can not fault the man for knowing how to work those strings. With that said, his voice is the only thing that keeps me from purchasing any of his music. He has fooled so many people (mostly women...sorry ladies, but you're getting called out on this one...) into thinking that manufactured continuous throat-fart he calls a singing voice is at all pleasant-sounding. Seven Grammy awards. You almost had one from me. Maybe another day.

Yea...a broke-ass Michael Douglas with Erik Estrada's hair.

He was edged out by Robert Pattinson for the role of 'pale douchebag in vampire movies'.

My voice may not be soothing to some, but at least it's genuine. I know I can't sing a lick, but I also know not to sing. I wish I could say the same for any of these mutants, but I can't. Oh well.

D.