Dave Mustaine, please shut up...

Left to Right: Pitcher of Delicious Beer, Dave Mustaine, James Hetfield.

Perfect photo for reasons to be mentioned soon. Read up, kids!

Those of you who enjoy listening to good rock music know who this guy is. For those of you who don't, Dave Mustaine is the lead guitarist and lead vocalist for the band Megadeth (not misspelled, just fyi). He made the news a couple of weeks ago in typical fashion, and I felt the urge to write an entry about it then, but other random ramblings took a higher priority at the time. As I was coming home from work, their creative take on schizophrenia in 'Sweating Bullets' came up on my iPod. That was my reminder that I had not yet presented this schmuck's story.

First, a little bit of a background on this guy. Dave was the original lead guitarist and co-songwriter in a little band you may have heard of called Metallica. For about three years, he lived the true life of a rock star (which of course meant booze and broads, and plenty of both...forgive the terminology, it just flows well) with his bandmates, except he seemed to take it to the next level. He was warned, and then eventually kicked out of the band for his extreme alcoholism. Think about that for a minute. '80s rock stars thrived off debauchery. So then how much of a drunk do you have to be to be ejected by a rock band like that? These guys must have had alcohol tolerances that would put the likes of Charlie Sheen and Christian Slater to shame. Yet this guy acted out enough to where the band would say, "Dude, you're out of control...get out. Seriously, you're killing our buzz." Mustaine resented them for their decision, and held that grudge for a long time. He made accusations (which may not be entirely false) that Metallica used songs that he wrote to help themselves gain popularity. He has been criticized on several occasions for opening his big mouth and saying something truly absurd. I won't even mention some of them, but rather link you to them. Just read through 'Christianity' and 'Politics' for now, just for a small taste. To sum it up, this guy got himself in trouble for being an alcoholic and running his mouth, two things that make a terrible combination. This is pretty relevant to the story, so remember that.

Here, Dave explains how much of a jackass he is.

What you don't see is the crowd nodding in acknowledgement.

What this man said pretty recently made my jaw drop. By now, my readers should know it takes quite a bit to bring shock and awe to yours truly. In the wake of the mass shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin, Mustaine was on tour with the band in Singapore when his mouth got him in trouble again. Here it is:

"Back in my country, my president [...] is trying to pass a gun ban so he's staging all of these murders. The 'Fast and Furious' thing down at the border. And Aurora, Colorado, all the people that were killed there. And now, the beautiful people at the Sikh temple. I don't know where I'm going to live if America keeps going the way it's going because it looks like it's turning into Nazi America."

The pause after 'my president' was the moment he put a finger down his throat and pretended to vomit. Alright, so he's clearly established that he does not want Barack Obama as our president. Got it. It's obvious now that he has officially lost his mind, though. I, for one, am not Obama's biggest fan either. I know many people that would agree with me on that. But Dave...are you f'n serious?! You really believe that the president schemed to have a bunch of innocent American civilians and military personnel killed in these vicious attacks so that he could pass some gun ban? Even Charlton Heston and Ted Nugent must think you're being a lunatic, and that's saying a lot. It's a simple fact that no gun ban will pass anytime soon, nor should it. Far too many people own and support guns for a ban to even be considered. A few instances in which some unstable individuals caused great harm to many people are still not going to make that happen any sooner.

As you can see, Ted Nugent is nuttier than a squirrel turd,

yet Mr. Mustaine has proven to be the victor in the 'Crazy Race'.

This is the same guy that used to complain that he was wrongfully kicked out of the band, and because of that, fans of Metallica hated him. Dave, have you ever thought to yourself that maybe they hate you because of your questionable (at best) morals, character and life decisions, instead of a band saying they've had enough of your shit? I was considerate enough to look past all of that, just so I could enjoy the music you made without having to worry about the crap that comes out of your mouth. Now every time I hear one of Megadeth's songs play, I have to debate whether I actually want to listen or not. Most times, I don't change it because the rest of the band shouldn't suffer the same fate of me skipping the music they created. Can you just do the world a huge favor? If not the world, please just do it for America. Shut the hell up! I assure you that you are the only one that wants to hear what you have to say about the government. Your claims are completely unfounded and nobody agrees with you. My mom and step-dad would probably rather have a handicapped sloth in office than Obama, yet I know they'd rather hear from him than your dumb ass.

Sloth 2012. Change is coming...slowly.

So the next time, you get devise this plan in your head to act like you know a damn thing about our government, and furthermore think that anyone gives a crap, take Les Grossman's advice on this one:

Skip to the 1:38 mark for his advice.You tell him, Les.

The irony that Mustaine was in Asia when he said it makes it that much more priceless. Listen Dave...don't speak.

D.

Sex Toy Luggage

I would like to thank two coworkers for introducing this story to me, because this is way too good to pass up for today's entry. It turns out that this little bit of news took place at Norfolk International Airport, no more than thirty minutes from where I live. A gay couple was returning from a trip to Costa Rica, with a connecting flight in Houston. There were no issues reported between Costa Rica and Texas, but as they arrived in Norfolk and walked to baggage claim, they were traumatized when their bags came into public view. Why? One or more United Continental Airline employees (allegedly) taped one of their sex toys to the bag in a very pronounced manner.

Let me first say this: upon hearing this story, my immediate reactions were utter shock mixed with some laughter. Let's take this out of context for just a minute to really put some perspective on the situation. Picture this in your mind...it will be more fun that way. Let's surmise you're coming home from a vacation, business trip, whatever the case may be. You checked your bag, so you make your way over to pick it up. The conveyors begin to move and the first few bags come into view. A few more go by, and then you see it...the bag that seems to have an erection. At this point, the search for your own bag has come to a screeching halt. You no longer care about retrieving your own belongings because somebody else's has a big rubber dick on it! Now if you can tell me honestly, with no warning of what was to come, that you would be able to refrain from laughing, I would still say you're full of it. I know I'd be just about doubled over in laughter. I mean, come on...any sudden movement that bag makes will cause that thing to flop around like a tube of jello. You'd be just as guilty as any of the other people at luggage claim that found it to be funny. Imagine the horrified looks on old peoples' faces, the parents that quickly cover their childrens' eyes and the people who are just waiting for the person that actually has to pick it up and claim it.

Either she just saw the bag, or she needs a fresh pair of Depends...or both.

Funny as all of that may be, the point is it actually happened. Two men had to experience public mockery, ridicule and embarrassment because of some idiot(s). That's not fair, no matter what the sexual orientation. As far as that goes, let me present my stance on homosexuality so that we're perfectly clear. I am not gay. I certainly don't have a problem with anyone that is gay, though. Who am I to meddle in their sexual preference? My rationality is simple: with each gay male, that's one fewer guy I see as competition in the dating world. They're increasing my odds. That logic is flawless and you know it.

As for the event that took place, a couple of interesting questions surface. How many times have you checked your bag and found things either missing, misplaced or even added? What do I mean 'added'? One of the aforementioned coworkers told me she found a note including an email address from someone upon returning from her honeymoon. Some bold bastard was checking her out and decided he should let her know about it. In a very creepy fashion, he slips the note in there and hopes for an email in return. In my opinion, her husband, a proud member of our military, should have opened up a good old-fashioned high-quality American can of whoop-ass on this clown, but maybe that's just me. Seriously though, now that the airports have individuals that go through your bags to make sure you're not carrying out a jihad with explosives in there, how frequently do you think some of these people are actually stealing things from you? Well, they've made it crystal clear that if they're willing to leave suggestive notes and tape one of your unmentionable private belongings to the outside of your bag, they're definitely capable of doing exactly that. I know from now on, my valuables will always be in my carry-on luggage to avoid that possibility. They know that you'll second-guess yourself, thinking, "maybe I left it in the hotel room," or wherever you ended up staying. That second-guessing won't even be a factor until you go home and find out that said object is missing in the first place. By then, you're probably at the point where you don't even want to deal with the hassle of trying to get it back, and they get away with it. I won't even give them that opportunity anymore.

"Dude, you don't have any good shit in here. What a waste!"

This leads me to my next question. Surely people have taken the time to report something missing, and it's probably not a very rare occurrence. So where are the cameras honing in on these miserable low-lives that actually do steal from peoples' bags? You're telling me that through all of the x-rays, screenings, metal detectors and eight forms of ID that need to be shown in order to get on the damn plane, nobody is watching the degenerate that just pocketed a piece of your jewelry while he pretends to search for bombs? The airline said they conducted a full investigation and found nothing substantial to support the accusation made by these innocent men. Let's break this down for a minute. The guy opens the bag, sees men's clothing and a dildo and thinks it would be funny to make this a public event. He grabs the object, finds some tape, secures this thing standing upright on the bag, and then proceeds to cover it in some foul-smelling substance just to add insult to injury, so to speak. This is not exactly a fifteen-second process we're talking about here, yet there were no cameras on him, nor did anyone notice what this guy was doing? Come on. That's pretty tough to believe, don't you think? I'm wondering if the airline found out who it was, quietly fired the individual(s) already, and pretended like nothing ever happened in order to avoid a huge lawsuit. Then suddenly you'll hear about an 'increase in surveillance' of their employees, as if they thought all on their own that it would be a good idea. I hope the lawsuit ends in the favor of these two men, and they get every dime they're suing for. The sad truth is that your belongings are far from private when these people get away with what they're doing.

This guy seems to be enjoying his job way more than he should.

I know I stated earlier that I laughed when I first heard the story, and that I acknowledge that I would have laughed if I saw that happen in person. After reading into the story, you have to sympathize with these guys. Whether you find homosexuality to be a sin or not, nobody deserves to be publicly humiliated like that. United Continental and their employees that carried this act out should be ashamed.  Pretty safe to say I won't even consider flying through them again. I don't know what sort of underwear sniffing, shirt stealing cretin they've employed to root around in my bag, so I'm not taking that chance.

Here's the full story.

To Christopher and Martin, I wish you the best. Oh, and thanks for helping my odds with women!

D.

Weather men? No...Weather sissies.

In the wake of Isaac's landfall, the weather has certainly become a topic of interest amidst common conversation. Normally, we all do a quick glance of the weather forecast, some of which prepare accordingly, some not so much. Unless there is some weather extreme or phenomenon happening, it's left at just that. I don't really think that, "It's hot as shit out here!" would really stir up a full-on discussion. Even if it led to that, the heat somewhat speaks for itself in that scenario, and then it's just a series of pointing out the obvious. No, what I'm more interested in is more of the preparation aspect of inclement weather, or lack thereof. I truly believe preparedness is based primarily on region, and not only based on landscape. I've lived for extended periods of time in New York, and more recently Virginia. Don't let that seven hour drive fool you, because they are worlds apart.

First of all, I do pray that the people in the affected area face as little harm and destruction as possible. As Isaac gained strength while taking the same path as Katrina, it is completely understandable that those people would hit the proverbial panic button and go into an intense freak-out mode. The last thing that area needs is a few more steps back in the ongoing recovery from the devastation that took place seven years ago. Seven years ago to the day, no less. Pretty awful reminder, don't you think? So for that, Isaac...you're a dick. I know thousands of people would agree with me.

"As you can see in this graphic, Isaac is really being a complete dick. 

He has no friends, and his parents don't even love him." - Weather Guy

A whole slew of people will acknowledge my findings based on their own experiences in the areas I've lived. The rest of you are the ones guilty of causing the mass hysteria in situations that are relatively harmless. Yea, I said it. Now apologize. Oh, you're going to be stubborn? Fine, I can wait...

...

...you are forgiven. This time. Anyway, I have gathered that not only are the methods to limit the inconvenience left by a major storm significantly different, but also the reactions and general mindset of people in the days leading up to said event. Allow me to elaborate.

In New York, life in general is always sped up. Everything is done at a higher pace because people are impatient, they have crap to do and they don't want anyone getting in their way. When the slightest hint of a raging hurricane or a potential blizzard is brought up in New York, life goes on without a hitch. The only real difference is that the companies that are responsible for the clean-up, restoring utilities and maintaining public safety are all on full alert and make the necessary plans to execute upon said event. Why? Because nobody's lives were going to stop simply because of a little rain or snow. When hurricane season came along, we were more often than not at a geographical advantage. Normally, these storms would reach their peak of heavy winds, rain and debris farther south, so we didn't have as much to worry about. Aside from our unlivable basement flooding every time, we typically lucked out and had next to no damage to speak of. I can't say the same for our next door neighbor, who was the unfortunate recipient of a dead oak tree falling onto his house and through his roof. Mom and Dad debated about whose house it would eventually fall on. Dad won that one.

This is a re-enactment. No homes were harmed in the filming of this event. Except this one.

Snow was another story. Kids are supposed to love snow. They know any big snow storm could result in school being closed and then, as long as you shoveled a path, it's a day or two of snowball fights, snowmen, making yellow snow...all that fun stuff. In New York, kids didn't so much as hate the snow, but rather the circumstance. It is the fault of great preparation that resulted in school rarely shutting down for inclement weather. Sometimes it seemed like it would require a combined fifteen inches of snow, an earthquake and a plague of cold-weather-tolerant insects to even see a two hour delay. The wish that the bus would break down at some point during the route was more likely to come true. I recall one storm in particular that dropped nine inches of snow overnight, and upon rising from our slumber, we quickly found out school was open and right on time at that. Needless to say, many kids came empty-handed as far as homework was concerned, but as the cruel school district and the teachers they employed would have it, the bad weather was no excuse. Damn you, snow plows. Damn you.

These people shared in my misery.

Now on to Virginia. I'm not even sure where I want to start. This state is in a state of its own: disarray. I have never seen such an extreme level of disorganization and frantic behavior when the mere suggestion of precipitation is announced. First we'll cover rainfall. Virginia drivers are not the worst, by traditional standards. Using a process of elimination, they're far from the best, but that's beside the point. Traffic is usually nice and steady when it needs to be (with the exception of rush hour, but that traffic is everywhere). God forbid the sky turns a little grey, and a few drops of rain hit the windshield, these people go full-retard. Forgive the terminology for those who are a little sensitive, it's only one of the greatest terms from a movie ever. At first, they're driving at or just barely above speed limit, as it should be. Introduce rain, and everyone forgets where the gas pedal is. These imbeciles need to just keep a safer distance from others, not pump their brakes into a slow crawl. It's bad enough that we're trying to get home safely because the rain is reducing visibility just a bit; now we have to actively avoid the morons that never learned to drive in bad weather. Then you say the word 'hurricane', and paranoia instantly sets in. Everyone immediately goes out and buys a thousand bottles of water, fifteen flashlights, some kerosene and whatever generator they can get their hands on so that they can safely hibernate when the wind blows six leaves and a tree branch down their driveway. Given that Irene did hit the majority of the east coast pretty hard, it was nothing compared to the likes of Katrina. Here's what people need to do: learn how to operate a vehicle in rain and be less of a lunatic when major storms are coming. As long as you refrain from being an idiot, you'll live.

Never go full retard.

If you thought rain in Virginia was bad, I dare you to say the word 'snow'. Remember how I talked about New York and how they rarely closed school, work...pretty much anything? Yea, well...the threat of snow has been the reason schools have closed down here. The possibility that some little white flakes could hit the ground has caused businesses to close up shop. Here in Virginia, snow is feared exponentially more than anything...including bigfoot! Hard to believe, I know, but it's true. People do the same impulsive 'emergency kit' purchasing that they do for hurricanes, but then they hibernate for three or four days because of the cold, white, foreign substance that's piling up on the lawn. Then there are the buffoons that go driving in the snow with no concept of how. Listen folks: I've got a car that doesn't handle well in the snow, so I do what's best for myself and everyone else around me...I stay at home unless it is imperative that I go somewhere. Just because you have four-wheel-drive does not mean you will stop any easier on slick roads. You're putting yourself and others at risk of being cold and miserable as you wait for roadside assistance to finally get to your dumb ass.

"Hey mom, I just wanted to call to tell you I went full retard.

You told me to stay in, and I went driving anyway.

Don't blame yourself, I pull off 'stupid' well enough on my own."

The only thing that's left to cover is the media coverage of these weather systems moving through. These meteorologists (a fancy word for 'worthless douche standing in front of a green screen, reading a teleprompter and wearing a fancy suit, horrible hair and a smug smile that doesn't know jack shit about weather other than what the computers predict for them'...I guess meteorologist is easier to say) are one of the main reasons people panic so badly. It's easy for them to calmly tell everyone a big storm is coming when they're comfortably in that t.v. studio. They use terminology that sounds intimidating to the average putz, and that's what gets everyone nervous. Like the title suggests, they're not weather men, they're weather sissies. Notice that every time there's a report from the field where it just happens to be raining or snowing its ass off, they send a lowly reporter, likely expendable by the station's standards. They don't send these prissy well-dressed guys out there for fear of their rock-solid 'fro getting messed up at all. Weather sissies should be required to wear tutus on camera. Maybe then, people will take them as seriously as they should be. Get a real job, guys.

"It looks like we have a cataclysmic super-hurricane coming our way,

followed by a 80% chance of Godzilla. Remember your coats, folks."

D.

Bigfoot is dead...

It died Sunday, actually. See?

I'm not sure why people believe in this crap. I am a logical thinker, and when you put all of the facts on the table, logic is nowhere to be found. I understand that the main goal of the people that come up with these hoaxes is to cause a media stir, and to somehow make money off of their claims. That part makes sense. We are a capitalist nation that will do (just about) anything to make an extra buck, even if it means trying to dupe people into believing there's some monstrous mutant bear-gorilla-man-thing walking around the woods. Get ready, because I'm about to throw logic into the mix.

John Lithgow believes he's real. It's that fake-ass kid in his arms he doesn't believe in.

I don't want to go all-in on my first reason, but in my mind, it's the one that should end the debate altogether. Ready for this? If the sasquatch was real...there would be no myth. Go ahead, admit it...I just blew your mind there. Think about it: if the creature's existence was proven, there would be no more mystique, no allure, no mystery to be solved and no reason for people to continue carrying on with this charade. If bigfoot was actually caught, I guarantee you there would be an exhibit at one of our nation's largest zoos, no doubt about it. Everyone would visit the zoo to see the enormous beast, they'd likely be disappointed that it's not quite as intimidating as had previously been promoted, and then carry on with their lives like normal and never have to think about whether it is fact or fiction. The idea that it could exist is what keeps people interested. Carve a few giant footprints into the soil going to and from some animal carcass, break a few branches that are 8 feet off the ground on some nearby trees, and then call the newspapers. That's what keeps people hooked. If everyone knew, no one would care. Period. Ask the Hendersons. They knew he was real, and it was so 'normal' to them, that they took him in as one of their own...as family. There isn't much on this earth more commonplace than family. The sad fact that my spell check on the blog actually throws up a red flag when I type 'bigfoot' is the computer's way of telling me to capitalize it. Oh, so suddenly 'Bigfoot' and 'Sasquatch' are proper names now? Who made that call? I want a point of reference, because that person (or group of people) needs a 2X4 to the skull. If we are to assume those are proper names, no wonder the Hendersons called him Harry: they wanted him to feel special; different from the rest of them. Not everyone can be called Johnny Mullet like me, so I totally get that. Seriously though, by capitalizing these terms, we are licensing these pricks to continue attempting to hoax you. They know that personalizing these things makes you that much closer to believing them. Don't buy into it, please.

This guy sucks at faking sasquatch footprints. It's not even in the woods!

Then there's the whole concept of physical evidence. The idea that, "I'll believe it when I see it," really puts a damper on these claims. When only a select handful of people say they've ever seen a bigfoot, yet they can't produce a shred of legitimate tangible proof, it's really hard to believe them. With enough time, patience and creativity, a lot of things can be made to look like objects or impressions the monster left behind. As I mentioned earlier, footprints can be fabricated. You take one step in a mushy dirt area, scoop around your foot in a consistent manner that it looks like a much larger version of your foot, smooth out the dirt you just handled, take your next step and repeat. I say this like I've done it before, but it doesn't require a genius to figure out how it can be done. It requires a few idiots to believe that person, though. Some have claimed to have found larger-than-normal feces left behind. To spare everyone the unnecessary details, the age-old question, "does a bear shit in the woods?" can actually be answered. What we'd be looking for are actual remains of a deceased one. You're telling me that with all of the technology we possess, and all of the time spent by these loonies using said technology to locate these primitive beings, that they've never found a single dead sasquatch among the bushes? By telling us that, you're leaving only two possibilities open for consideration:

1. These things are immortal. It's tough to run away from bigfoot hunters when you're already dead, right? Might as well keep on living to keep people guessing. That, and you have all of eternity to mess with humans. Now that sounds like a fun time!
2. Their remains spontaneously combust upon death. Sounds just about as likely as possibility #1. Who knows if their bones and skin and muscles and organs and fur all turn to ashes immediately after their pulse quits? That's why we need to find one alive!

I think these possibilities are pretty reasonable, don't you? No? Well you're just not open-minded. So go take a hike...in the sasquatch-infested woods. What's that? You're scared? Well then maybe you do believe. Welcome to the club!

A tape measure and a headlamp. Good call, bro.

 I hope you brought your butterfly net with you, too.

When you all get mauled by something, then I'll consider watching your show.

Last we'll look at all of the proven methods that have been used to fake a sighting, along with the conflicting, vague or broad accounts that were publicly announced. How about ape suits and those military camouflage suits? It's been documented that based on the distance away from a bigfoot that supposed photographs and videos were taken, these suits worn by men look identical. The fact that they have only been seen walking upright also raises some eyebrows. Do we automatically assume they just simply walk like humans? If they're as primitive as they are suggested to be, don't you think they'd have some attributes that cause them to go on all fours now and again? That's human nature to walk on two legs. How about the fact that they always seem to be running away from the camera? Is it even fair to think that they're remotely scared of us? These things are gigantic, according to the tales. Big enough to mutilate us with ease. These idiots playing dress up are just scared of being caught. As for their size, people who have come forward with their stories estimate that they are about six to ten feet tall. That's a pretty wide range, folks. Seriously, I am pretty good with math, and that standard deviation would drive any statistician mad. "Well...from a distance, it looked like it could be...oh, I don't know...six, maybe ten feet tall?" That's right, you don't know, because you're a jackass and you didn't see anything. Even better and more intriguing is how some of the alleged footprints have had anywhere from two to six toes. Come on. Again with the variance. If you're going to try to be convincing, why don't you all settle on one number of toes please. Your claims are nonsense. Only rare birth defects and stupidity have been the reasons for extra or missing toes on humans. Usually it involves someone mishandling a gun. Even if they have opposable thumbs, I doubt they'd get their massive paw-hands on a gun. In that unlikely scenario, and they do happen to shoot themselves in their feet (the part of them that is legend), doesn't that come full circle from when I talked about finding remains? It'd be a pretty significant find if somebody stumbled upon a sasquatch toe or two (pun very much intended). Hasn't happened. Never will happen.

When it finished posing for this glamour shot, they all hopped in the car and went to McDonald's.

So the next time a news story comes out about a bigfoot sighting or that evidence was collected, they'd better have that big hairy bastard caught in a cage and ready to be put on display. Otherwise, shut the hell up and stop showing the world how gullible and ignorant some Americans can be.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some food in my Loch Ness tank before I make dinner for myself and my centaur roommate.

D.

Amish Hate Crimes

That title is not a joke. Please tell me you've heard about this. Several members of an Amish sect are now on trial for committing hate crimes against other Amish men. What possible hate crime could an Amish person commit? Before I even say what it is, I want to preface that the event itself that took place is not exactly funny to me. Believe it or not, I respect other peoples' cultures enough to know that this is to be taken rather seriously. Now that I've cleared the air there, what they are on trial for is cutting the beards off of other men. That's right, cutting their beards off is considered a hate crime.

Now, for the sake of the integrity of my humorous side, I need to bring up what is funny about this whole thing. The ringleader of this sect has presented us with comedy gold. Platinum, actually. Aside from the idea of this man getting his ass kicked, which would be funny and well-deserved, he made me laugh for a different reason. His name. Samuel Mullet, Sr. Mullet. A guy with the last name Mullet, a hairstyle where far too much hair is left to grow in a horrible fashion, is responsible for several men cutting hair off of other men. The irony is exquisite!  That, and the fact that he looks exactly like James Cromwell with an unkempt ZZ Top beard is almost enough for me to blow a 'funny fuse'. It gets so much better, you have no idea. Three of his sons are being charged in this case. Daniel Mullet, which is what I would call it if I actually had a mullet. "Look at that robust Daniel mullet..." Then there's Johnny Mullet, the 1980s action hero/porn star with a long flowing mane and a bad attitude. Finally, there's Lester Mullet, the poorly groomed computer dork/repeat sex offender. I can not make this stuff up. Well...their back-stories are made up (or so I hope), but seriously, who would name their kids Johnny Mullet or Lester Mullet? In fact, from now on, if you see me at work or socially, please call me Johnny Mullet. I want that as my new nickname. No one else gets to choose my nickname; it's my blog, I thought of it...deal with it.

John Stamos had a vicious mullet back then. That House wouldn't have been Full without it.

Samuel Mullet, Sr.

Cromwell's next role will be that of Samuel Mullet, Sr. in...

The Beard-Cutter

(Rated R...Opening September 21st in a theater near you.)

Alright, I'm done with the jokes (for now). As for the Amish and their beliefs, the size of their beards has very much to do with their faith and how they are judged as men. I don't grow my beard based on faith or thinking it makes me more of a man. I do it to cover up the ugly. Ok, now I'm done with the jokes. The fact is you wouldn't (or at least I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt) intentionally harm or degrade someone based on race or religion, so to hear of a group of individuals doing so is simply appalling. The issue at hand is the likelihood that this man 'brainwashed' his sons and some others into following his every command. There are already claims of him being the leader of a 'cult'. That word is normally associated with any small sect of individuals that are persuaded by one or two people of power to follow their beliefs, rules and way of life against their own best interests. Some argue that's religion as a whole, but that's a debate I will not entertain.

One of the other things that surprised me is the possible sentencing these men could face. Hate crimes are not taken lightly by any means. Maximum sentencing could result in life in prison. Let's put this in perspective for a minute. Anders Behring Breivik, the Norwegian man who killed 77 people, most of them teenagers at a youth camp, who was deemed sane by the courts, was recently sentenced to 21 years in prison, with a minimum of 10 years to be served. Norway has a limit as to how many years they can sentence a person; beyond that, they can be held longer if they are deemed a threat to society. Given that information, he'll be in prison for a long, long time. Fine. For people (like me) who didn't previously know this, it seems a little irrational that a man who kills 77 people would get 21 years in prison, meanwhile someone who cut another man's beard against his will would be facing life. Two completely different crimes, countries and circumstances, absolutely. The American public doesn't perceive it that way as portrayed by our media. As for whether I believe their actions are cause for life in prison, I'm undecided. I'm not in any position to judge, so I abstain. The rest of the details of the case are a bit more than I want to get into this evening, so I'll leave you with a link to check out if you're interested to find out more.

That's Breivik. Pardon my language, but fuck that guy.

All joking aside, this man needs to be held accountable for his actions, and for the psychological and emotional suffering he has inflicted on others. This is not to say the others involved are not guilty, given they had the free mind to choose to follow this man or not, but I certainly hope justice is served on this man. If he knew that defiling their facial hair would bring shame upon them and their families, then this man should be clean-shaven, courtesy of the Ohio judicial system.

D. 

(Johnny Mullet)

Bahston and Lahpsided Bahtering

Oh, I'm sorry about the title...it's just emphasized by the language of New England frittatas. It should read "Boston and Lopsided Bartering," but it's tough to tell when they open their mouths and all you hear is something that resembles a speech impediment. Anyway, if you're into baseball at all, Boston made big headlines yesterday with one of the largest trades in history, sending four high profile players with contracts that combine for over a quarter of a billion dollars to the Dodgers for five players in return, most of whom are only prospects. This isn't the first time the Red Sox have made a deal that either made people shake their heads right away or eventually over time. I'll break all of these down for you.

I could use this to add to my t-shirt arsenal.

George Herman 'Babe' Ruth for cash (Dec. 26, 1920). Yes, the greatest home run hitter in history (I'll be glad to defend that claim if/when asked to) was sold by the Red Sox to the Yankees. Even being 'sold' is considered a trade in baseball's terms. How much did he go for? Well, the up-front amount was $125,000. Then there were three future payments of $25,000 with interest added. On top of that, the Yankees owners loaned Harry Frazee (owner of the Red Sox at the time) an additional $300,000, which many people don't realize was part of an understanding that the Yankees owners would hold the mortgage on Fenway Park as collateral until they were paid back. So on behalf of all Yankee fans out there, we would like to say you're welcome. Why? Because that precious building you idiots pine over so desperately was technically in our possession thanks to your jackass owner. Don't believe me? Read for yourself. Anyway, let's break down the numbers for a better understanding:

• With Boston before the trade - 6 seasons, .308 BA, 49 HR, 230 RBI, 202 RS
• With Yankees after the trade - 15 seasons, .349 BA, 659 HR, 1,971 RBI, 1,959 RS
• With Boston at end of career - 1 season (only 28 games played), .181 BA, 6 HR, 12 RBI, 13 RS.

I just enlightened some folks with another obscure fact: Ruth hit his first and last home runs as a Boston player, but will always be remembered as a Bronx Bomber. Back to the issue at hand, do you know what the original cash agreement went toward? It was to finance a broadway play. The debate as to whether it was for 'No, No, Nanette' or 'My Lady Friends' is irrelevant. That fruitcake Frazee cast aside the most feared baseball player of his era to fund some on-stage catastrophe, which resulted in the so-called 'Curse of the Bambino', which I don't even want to get into, so follow the link if you're interested enough. Many, including myself, consider this the worst trade ever. The truth is in the numbers.

Along with each home run ball that flew out of the park,

a little of Boston's hopes, dreams and dignity followed.

Jeff Bagwell for Larry Andersen (Aug. 30, 1990). If the Babe Ruth trade never took place, this would easily be the worst trade Boston ever made. Given Bagwell had never played a single inning of baseball with the Boston Red Sox before being shipped off for a mediocre (at best) relief pitcher to help the Sox hopefully make a stronger playoff run. Well, Andersen failed miserably in his three appearances in Oakland's four-game sweep of the Sox, going 0-1 with a 6.00 ERA. As for Bagwell? The Astros ended up with a first basemen for the next fifteen years, and easily one of the greatest players their franchise has ever seen. Need proof?

• 2,150 GP
• .297 BA (astounding for a pure power hitter)
• 449 HR
• 1,529 RBI
• 1,517 RS
• 1991 Rookie of the Year
• 1994 NL MVP
• 4-time NL All-Star (surprisingly low)

I know that to this day, the individuals responsible for this huge mistake are still kicking themselves...or each other...or both. Then again, Jeff Bagwell only batted .200 with two walks and two strikeouts against Larry Andersen for his career. Damn, Jeff, he had your number! Andersen is responsible for your career average dropping an entire .000062 points! Congratulations on a stellar career, Mr. Bagwell. Congrats to the Red Sox as well, for giving me another reason to laugh at you.

Here he is about to swat another Boston prayer into the bleachers.

Heathcliff Slocumb for Derek Lowe & Jason Varitek (July 31, 1997). Not all of Boston's lopsided trades worked out in the other team's favor, this one being a perfect example. This deal between the Sox and the Mariners didn't exactly 'make up for' the Bagwell blunder, but it certainly gave them a huge sigh of relief. They received a solid franchise catcher and a consistent starting pitcher in exchange for a hardly reliable relief pitcher. Let's analyze this one:

• Slocumb: (10 Yr Career) 28-37, 4.08 ERA, 98 SV, 513 K, 358 BB, 1-time All-Star

- In Exchange For -

• Lowe: (16 Yr Career, active) 174-156, 4.01 ERA, 86 SV, 1,707 K, 786 BB, 2-time All-Star
• Varitek: (15 Yr Career) .256 BA, 193 HR, 757 RBI, 664 RS, 4-time All-Star

If Boston only received one or the other, they'd still come out the big winner in this one. Then again, since when has Seattle ever been a big winner? Oh, are you thinking of the 116 win season they had in 2001? As I recall, they barely snuck past the Indians in the Division Series just before being slaughtered by the Yankees in five in the ALCS. They've had great players (Griffey, Jr., Randy Johnson, Edgar Martinez, Ichiro) and moments of team brilliance, but nothing that ever added up to winning it all. I hate humbling myself to give the Sox any credit, but they earned this one.

"Oh honey, come back to bed...I'll even keep the mask on..."

Then yesterday came along...

Adrian Gonzalez, Carl Crawford, Josh Beckett & Nick Punto for James Loney & (prospects) Allen Webster, Ivan De Jesus, Rubby De La Rosa & Jerry Sands. Time will tell if this becomes another huge mistake or not, but here is what needs to be considered:

• Gonzalez: (9 Yrs) .294 BA, 211 HR, 731 RBI, 660 RS, 4-time All-Star, 3 Gold Gloves
• Crawford: (11 Yrs) .292 BA, 118 HR, 667 RBI, 853 RS, 432 SB, 4-time All-Star
• Beckett: (12 Yrs) 130-92, 3.93 ERA, 1715 K, 561 BB, 3-time All-Star
• Punto: (12 Yrs) .247 BA, 15 HR, 228 RBI, 361 RS, .978 Fielding % (Utility Player)

- In Exchange For -

• Loney: (7 Yrs) .284 BA, 71 HR, 451 RBI, 355 RS, .994 Fielding %
• Webster: (No Major League Experience) 34-24, 3.34 ERA in minors
• De Jesus: (2 Yrs) .231 BA, 0 HR, 5 RBI, 7 RS (40 Total Games Played)
• De La Rosa: (2 Yrs) 4-5, 3.96 ERA, 60 K, 33 BB (14 Total Games Played)
• Sands (2 Yrs) .244 BA, 4 HR, 27 RBI, 22 RS (70 Total Games Played)

To me, on paper, this is so one-sided in the favor of the Dodgers, that I'd be surprised if the Red Sox are relevant again for the next couple of years. Sure, they have some players still on their team that can pull their weight, but they are dumping four starters (when healthy and not being a team cancer) with their enormous salaries in hopes that these five players will eventually make up for that lost production. Pete Abraham, the Red Sox beat writer for the Boston Globe, tweeted that if Beckett landed on the Dodgers, "Magic Johnson would be more popular in Boston then Larry Bird." For those who need clarification, Johnson is now part owner of the Dodgers. If you're really out of the loop, he played for the Lakers and had one of the most heated rivalries in basketball (or even sports) history. The implication is that Beckett is the 'team cancer' I earlier referred to. Crawford is the only other question-mark, given he just underwent Tommy John surgery. It is fair to assume, based on another one of my posts and loads of research, that when he's recovered, he should be back to normal. Like I said, though, this one really needs to unfold before we can determine a true winner. It could take several years, spanning nine different careers, but eventually we'll have our answer.

Anyone else see the irony here? He just happened to 'dodge' HIV like he's in the medical matrix.

The Red Sox do have one other option to consider in the future. Have you heard who's trying to make a comeback?

Acquitted steroid user "Rahcket" Rahger Clemens. Does his jersey say 'Skeeters' or 'Syringes'?

You think I'm kidding? Here.

D.

YouTube Gems

Over the years, I have seen some videos on YouTube that, even to this day, can make me laugh hysterically. Some of them are so crude and raunchy that I can not simply link you to them, but for those curious enough, I will later list a couple of search terms to bring you to them. Now if you don't have a decent gauge of my sense of humor just yet, here are a few things I have to say:

1. Read more of my posts. Go ahead, I can wait.
2. Now that you've read every post (at least twice) and have an idea, you should know the following videos are sure to be both funny and incredibly stupid. Creative, but still stupid.
3. If that doesn't cut it, I really don't know what else to tell you.

They are not listed in any particular order. Some days I find one funnier than the rest, and sometimes it's the opposite. A lot of these videos were discovered during my college days, so mix these with an abundance of beer and testosterone, and you end up with some wild times. Why delay anymore?

The End Of Ze World. This one is complete nonsense, but it holds a few select phrases that we would certainly reuse time and time again, just out of pure absurdity. It clearly stereotypes several different nations, but don't act like you're not guilty of that as well. It makes for great humor. Enjoy...

The End Of Ze World

John Petrucci Psycho Exercises - The Secret Tape. John Petrucci is the lead guitarist of Dream Theater, an extremely talented band with extremely long songs. This man's hands are ridiculously fast, but don't let this video fool you; most of the sequences are sped up for emphasis. Someone decided to take one of his instructional videos and dub out Mr. Petrucci's voice while filling in his own monologue. I'll lead it off with an actual guitar solo from him, followed by the YouTube video, so you can set the two apart.

Dream Theater - Under A Glass Moon (solo)

John Petrucci Psycho Exercises - The Secret Tape

Bro Rape: A Newsline Investigative Report. This one borders on being to graphic to give you the direct link, but it's not my fault you may have a weak stomach for sick humor. Bro Rape is a mockumentary of 'To Catch A Predator', where they attempt to lure 'bros' who are after innocent college-aged male victims. This clan of comedians has produced a number of incredibly funny videos, but in my opinion, this one beats them all. I've already given you your warning. Now press play.

Bro Rape: A Newsline Investigative Report

UVA Rant (1 and 2). These videos were made by a very funny man we went to college with. Sean is witty and outspoken, and that always made for good times. It is no secret that there is a hate-hate relationship between the Virginia Tech Hokies and the Virginia Cavaliers. The rivalry has not diminished one bit as far as either side is concerned, but Mr. Harris gives everyone the correct outlook. Call it biased if you must, but the truth is in these videos.

UVA Rant

UVA Rant 2

Funny Maze Prank. The last one I'll subject you to today. There was a prank maze that was pretty 'viral' at one point, that even yours truly was fooled into trying at one point. Basically it's just a short series of mazes that you guide your mouse through. If your mouse touched any of the sides, it would send you back to the beginning. Once you reached a certain point in the maze, though...let's just say there was never a winner. This is the video of a chubby kid whose father decided to record his reaction to when he reached the inevitable 'end' of the maze. Some would argue the father should be visited by child protective services, but those people just can't take a joke. I personally felt bad for the kid a little, but come on...this is still classic.

Funny Maze Prank

Like I said, there are some I couldn't bring myself to put directly on here, so prepare yourself before you search for such videos as:

• Unforgivable #1
• Derrick Comedy National Spelling Bee (from the makers of Bro Rape)

I hope you enjoyed them as much as i did (and continue to).

D.

And the award goes to...

Part I: Vile Voices

Some people have the kind of voices that make you feel like jamming an ice pick into one ear all the way through the opposite one. I have a small list I compiled of these such voices. I took some time to gather the names of several candidates, and then narrowed it down as best I could. There are plenty of people that qualified for at least consideration, but these few individuals just do a hell of a job separating themselves from the rest of the proverbial herd. In order to narrow it down to a select few, I broke them down into categories, so it's nice and organized. I will also acknowledge that this is my list, and people may or may not agree with my assessment. Those who don't agree...well you're wrong, so poo on you. Here we go...

Worst Voice of an Actress

And the award goes to...

Fran Drescher. Everyone knows that blood-curdling laugh. That raspy, high-pitched whiny sound that emanates from deep within her diaphragm is all too familiar. Never has a New York accent been so unappealing. This talentless woman hails from Flushing, Queens, which is appropriate since you'll likely be flushing your regurgitated lunch down the crapper after hearing her demon-squeal. It's pretty incredible to think that her voice has been the one thing that has carried her limited career as far as it's gone. To those who religiously watched the Nanny, or enjoyed her in Beautician and the Beast, or any other filmed abomination she was in, you are responsible for her 'success' and should be ashamed.

Honorable Mention: Joan Rivers - I'd hardly call her an actress, but she qualifies nonetheless. This walking, talking manikin (thanks to her countless plastic surgeries) is hardly a treat to listen to. Either a surgeon nicked her vocal chord with a scalpel, or the infection of her larynx is only in its infant stage of development, and has been for a while.

She was even able to find a wardrobe that complimented her voice. Impressive.

...right back at ya, Cryptkeeper.

Worst Voice of an Actor

And the award goes to...

Gilbert Gottfried. Was there any doubt? I don't think that there should be any reason anyone is famous because they are obnoxiously loud, especially when a conversational tone is required. I can only describe that putrid noise as a gritty hyena scream, and for some reason I can't understand, people eat it up. When Aflac finally decided to (wise up and) get rid of him as the voice of the duck, they lost all of their credibility when they hired a replacement that simply mimics that squinty-eyed putz. You know it's even worse when you consider his finest works on film: every miserable appearance on Hollywood Squares (which housed some of the worst and most rehearsed jokes ever verbalized), Iago from Aladdin (which thankfully we didn't have to see his face in addition), and Jerry the Belly Button Elf from Ren & Stimpy (arguably his best work). He gives Brooklyn a bad name, and everyone else a headache.

Honorable Mention: Carrot Top - This is the second mention of this soulless legendary creep. That childlike whimper he has is just not cool at all. Combine that with the faint lisp he still possesses, and you're looking at a (failed) comedian that possibly lacks man-parts. Wherever they are, his talent packed up and left with them.

Gilbert always looks like he is in the middle of taking a huge dump.

Maybe that's why he's yelling...constipation.

Hide your kids.

Worst Voice of a Female Singer

And the award goes to...

Macy Gray. Am I the only one that thinks she sounds like a muppet with emphysema? I can't be. She sounds like she hasn't had a drop of water to drink in twenty years. Somebody please hydrate this frizzy freak. Can you believe she actually won a Grammy with that wretched tone? If that's the case, give her a damn Oscar for that riveting...check that, revolting...on-stage performance she had in the first Spiderman movie. I bet even Tobey Maguire was pounding on his temples with hammers to have to listen to more than one take of her singing. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to release this poltergeist with an afro into popular media needs to be castrated. Just do it quietly, we won't want to hear their screams either.

Honorable Mention: Sarah McLachlan - This was a close one. I remember my sister listening to this woman let notes escape that resembled the cries of tortured victims from Saw movies. My mother and I agreed that she would be referred to as 'Death' from then on. I haven't heard much from Death in a while, which I consider a blessing. Her only appearances have been on ASPCA commercials, and thankfully, she doesn't talk for long. I think her charitable efforts are what brought on a little mercy in my decision for this one. Consider yourself lucky, Sarah.

Macy doing her best Edward Scissorhands impression. Minus the scissors.

She must have just sucked on a lemon for this one.

Worst Voice of a Male Singer

And the award goes to...

Peter Cetera. The former lead singer of Chicago was also in a tight race for this honor. The only redeeming thing about him is that he was associated with a very talented group of gentlemen. Have you listened to the mindless drivel he released post-Chicago? It has to be some of the most lame, soft, testosterone-free garbage music I've ever heard. Even Simon and Garfunkel want to rochambeau this guy. Hell, it sounds like several people already beat them to it, and deservedly so. The fact that he looks like a broke-ass Michael Douglas really doesn't help his case. Good thing you parted ways with the band, Mr. Cetera, otherwise you wouldn't have landed that audible gem for the Karate Kid: Part II soundtrack that resulted in your only award as a solo artist: the ASCAP Award for the Most Performed Song from a Motion Picture. I didn't even know such an award existed. That's like the 11th place trophy in a 12-team little league. "Because everyone's a winner." Nope...still a loser.

Honorable Mention: John Mayer - The very reason I decided he was not the winner should actually be the reason he is the winner. This dude can play the hell out of a blues guitar, which has nothing to do with his voice, but I can not fault the man for knowing how to work those strings. With that said, his voice is the only thing that keeps me from purchasing any of his music. He has fooled so many people (mostly women...sorry ladies, but you're getting called out on this one...) into thinking that manufactured continuous throat-fart he calls a singing voice is at all pleasant-sounding. Seven Grammy awards. You almost had one from me. Maybe another day.

Yea...a broke-ass Michael Douglas with Erik Estrada's hair.

He was edged out by Robert Pattinson for the role of 'pale douchebag in vampire movies'.

My voice may not be soothing to some, but at least it's genuine. I know I can't sing a lick, but I also know not to sing. I wish I could say the same for any of these mutants, but I can't. Oh well.

D.

Jon Huntsman, Sr.

Jon Huntsman, Sr.

For those who are politically knowledgeable, this is not about Jon Huntsman, Jr., the governor of Utah. His father, Jon Huntsman, Sr., is a man that has intrigued me since the day I heard about him. Every single one of us has been affected by this man, yet most of you don't even know it. You use products that he created every day, and you wouldn't think twice about it. Such simple things that make you think how crazy it is that someone makes millions of dollars from a little invention, and also make you question what other easy things haven't been thought up yet. Here's some of what he's come up with:

• The first plastic egg carton
• The "clam shell" box they use for Big Macs
• Plastic plates/bowls
• Other fast food containers

All of these ideas are either still in use, or at the very least improved upon over the years. Can you imagine being that person? Think about it. This man is making royalties off of products that will never cease to exist. Even if someone comes up with something even more proficient, cost effective and environmentally sound, the original design will not be just tossed away. Unless somebody develops the product that renders his products obsolete from now until his death, it wouldn't matter anyway. The guy's net worth is over $900 million. That's right...read it again if you must. That's not even the part that blows me away.

It was that easy.

What really makes it all the more incredible is his generosity. This man is arguably the biggest philanthropist in the world today. Just in case you need clarification, philanthropist is a fancy euphemism for a very charitable person. How charitable, you may ask?

"Huntsman is widely recognized for his humanitarian giving which, including contributions to the homeless, the ill and the under-privileged, exceeds $1.2 billion and has assisted thousands, both domestically and internationally." See more.

So he has given away $300 million more than his current net worth. Most of his contributions are not just one-and-done donations either. If you read through the extremely brief section I just linked you to, you'll be taken back by the things they only mention in passing. When a natural disaster strikes, it is believed that through this man's resources and funding, he is able to provide disaster relief faster than FEMA. Also, in situations like tsunami relief efforts, he has put forth the effort to make a long-term solution for such tragedies, so that there is a much shorter waiting period when people need the help the most.

There's one thing that stands out from all of the rest of his charity offerings throughout his life. To me at least. The Huntsman Cancer Institution is tucked away in the mountains of Utah within the campus of the University of Utah.

"Huntsman Cancer Institute was founded with a pledge of $100 million of personal wealth from Jon Huntsman, Sr., a philanthropist and businessman. To date, Huntsman has donated more than $250 million dollars of his own money since Huntsman Cancer Institute was established." See more.

$350 million alone has gone to this selfless cause, and I'm certain that won't be where it ends. The money goes toward cancer research, as well as the financial assistance for those in need. The facility includes a research building that is connected to a 50-bed cancer hospital. The hospital rooms themselves are designed more like hotel rooms than the average ones, so that the patient is more comfortable and at ease with his/her surroundings. There are accommodations made to enable families to be close to their loved ones when they are being treated in this hospital. I could go on and on about every little detail, but it's worth taking the time to read into it on your own. You may appreciate it more coming from more reliable sources than a blogger. So here you go.

The Huntsman Cancer Institute.

As a small tribute to Mr. Huntsman, and with no personal gain of my own, I will invite any of my readers to participate in this great cause. Here's how. I know that when I can afford to help a cause, this will be at the top of my list. I'll leave you with one last link, because the quote listed shows you how truly dedicated he is to charity. The final words in the article speak volumes...

"He has said that he wants to 'die broke' by giving his money away to various charities."

D.