Your House Is Not A Mess

How dare you have those pillows just haplessly laying there...

Here's a phrase I hear all too often when going to somebody else's house, apartment...whatever they happen to live in:

"I'll apologize in advance, but my place is a mess..."

It's either that or some close variation of it. I can understand the concern that the person would have when inviting someone into their home for the first time, considering they want to make a good impression in every way possible, but honestly, I've yet to be welcomed into a home that made me feel awkward in any way because of how messy it was (usually there's some other reason you make me feel awkward in your house...just sayin'). I'm going to break this down a bit into some thoughts of mine about each time this phrase has been spoken to me.

1. The house isn't a mess at all. That's right, you're making a huge deal over nothing. There's a pair of shoes laying by the front door and a stack of mail next to an empty drinking glass on the end table next to the couch. If that's what you call a mess, all I can say is you need to dial your expectation level down a notch. When someone leads me to believe their place is filthy, I'm thinking there's dog toys all over the place, dirty dishes everywhere and nobody has dusted since Kennedy was president. Instead, I walk in and the place is damn near immaculate, and I'm left searching for this so-called mess. I'd say if there was a pizza crust sitting next to a lamp with someone's underwear hanging from it, then we'd need to have a little chat. Otherwise, relax. Your house is far from a mess.
2. I am not there to judge you based on your home. If anything, I'm already judging you for other things. Hey, at least I'm being honest. Seriously though, I am not exactly a neat-freak, so who am I to judge the cleanliness of someone else's place? That's not to say that I leave my underwear hanging from lampshades or anything, but I'm also not going to vacuum my room every other day or so. I'll put in the effort to clean it up when I want/need it to be spotless. Besides, if I already know you fairly well, I can pretty much determine how neat of a person you are, and nine times out of ten, that translates through the environment you surround yourself with. If you're a slob in public, I'm not really setting the expectation bar very high for where you live. If you're a very neat, organized person, then I'm sure you're one of these people that warns their guests of what they think is an in-home war zone. Thanks for the warning, though.
3. I am capable of withholding my commentary in case I am uncomfortable. Once again, I am the guest. With that said, If I do feel like I walked into a war zone, I can keep my thoughts to myself. I am not looking to embarrass anyone in their own home. Who knows...maybe there's some personal stuff going on in their lives that I don't know about, and their priorities are a little more centered on things other than cleaning their whole house just for me. I am not one to criticize somebody else's house in case their emotional well-being is a bit fragile at the moment. On the flip-side, if the place is spotless and is claimed to be an absolute disaster, I also keep my comments to myself. Perhaps this person has OCD, and they're not very receptive to how great their place looks, because to these people, it can always use a little improvement. I've learned through personal experience to avoid any form of conflict with someone with OCD. Take my advice...if you don't, you may end up with a crazy bitch punching and kicking the interior of the passenger side of your car. Don't say I didn't warn you.
4. You are not a hoarder. If you were, I'd likely already have that one figured out and I wouldn't go to your house in that case anyway. For good reason, you've thrown away all of your trash from your visits to McDonald's, your empty CD cases, the magazines of no value from 1997, and the broken furniture that you no longer need. If you do have any of these things in your home, you might need counseling, an intervention, or just a damn dumpster. All three might be the true solution.

Please don't worry about the condition of your home. I know it's common courtesy to 'apologize in advance', but with me you certainly don't need to.

As long as you fit my criteria, that is.

D.