Terrible Team Names/Mascots, Pt. I

Have you really thought about some team names that are just strange? Some of them don't seem to make sense as an intimidating representation of your team. Others don't exactly fit in to their location, leaving you to wonder if said mascot is even relevant. The rest might not have any explanation that I can come up with. I'm here to toss up a bunch of examples and my quick thoughts on them. Keep in mind, there are tons of teams spanning several sports, so I might not even find ones that immediately come into your mind, but I can always revisit this idea in a future post. So if you're ready, I'm about to drop some weird on ya...

The San Diego Chicken literally has no affiliation with any professional sports team. He's quite literally just a human-sized creepy-ass chicken that is second in craziness to only the Phillie Phanatic. Awesome mascot role model, though.

I'll separate these by individual sports, starting with:

BASEBALL

• Minnesota TWINS - Named for the 'twin cities', even though they only play in one city, obviously. Not a whole lot that's scary about twins. Maybe Siamese twins. Depends where they're conjoined. That can get very scary. Just sayin'.
• New York METS - Short for 'Metropolitans'. Really? You named the team after the generalized term for the city's inhabitants? I'll admit, some of the cretins in the city are frightening, but they're not all burglars, murderers and rapists. All three of those might be too extreme for a pro sports team, though. Oh well.
• San Diego PADRES - Spanish for 'Fathers'. Their mascot looks like a broke-ass Friar Tuck with a baseball bat. I'm not sure what message they're trying to send, but the message they are sending is one of an abusive religious figure. Wait...that does make sense...
• Philadelphia PHILLIES - This is just lazy. This could be the worst out of sheer lack of creativity. The only redeeming factor is the Phillie Phanatic. That mascot is so bizarre that you can't hate the bastard. If you figure out what the hell that thing is supposed to be, though, please enlighten me.
• Boston RED SOX - Okay, I'll admit a little bit of bias here. I hate them, therefore I have to mention them. It's not so much the name that bothers me, but rather their mascots that represent them. 'Wally the Green Monster' and 'Lefty and Righty'. The names are so unimaginative, Wally looks like the sort of mascot that would drive a windowless van with "FREE CANDY" spray painted on the side of it, and Lefty and Righty are literally giant red socks with arms, which is just stupid. That's like something out of a low-budget horror movie about clothes coming to life.

Okay, here we have Wally, the apparent Jimmy Buffet fan who is stalking his prepubescent prey. Next are Lefty and Righty, who either have terribly unfortunate tumor-like growths on their sides or they are touching tips, either of which are horribly inappropriate in public.

There were a few more worth considering, but those really jumped out at me as being more ridiculous than the rest. Next, I'll cover:

HOCKEY

• New York ISLANDERS - Once again, naming a team after the residents doesn't really make anyone shiver. You should call them the New York Drivers. Now that's friggen scary. What's not scary is Sparky the Dragon, their actual mascot that looks like a ghetto version of Figment. Interestingly enough, the Islanders had a mascot removed for copyright violations when they had a badass looking fisherman that was identical to the Gorton's fisherman, except with a hockey stick in hand and a possible alcohol- or meth-induced rage.
• Vancouver CANUCKS - Slang term for Canadians. Please refer to METS, PHILLIES and ISLANDERS. To top it all off, their mascot is a killer whale. Try explaining that one...fuckin' canucks. The Montreal Canadiens get an exemption from my criticism on this one. Why? They have won the Stanley Cup twenty-four times. Instant respect. They could have been named the Montreal 'Pansies', 'Sissies', or 'Girly-Girls', and still you can't deny those cups.
• Minnesota WILD - What the hell is a wild? That shouldn't be used as a noun. Even the Minnesota 'Frostbite-In-April' would be more appropriate. You might as well call them the 'Bitter'. At least that describes the cold weather and their fans when they can't manage to advance in the playoffs.
• Washington CAPITALS - Somebody had to have lost a bet on this one. They didn't even name them after the people that lived there. They pluralized the term for what Washington actually is...the nation's capital. Pluralizing it instantly negates any credibility. You wouldn't have two (or more) capitals. The logic is as nonexistent as their Stanley Cup victories.
• Dallas STARS - Formerly the Minnesota North Stars, this one continues to leave me wondering, "Why a star?" Is it because they're gigantic, bright, hot masses of gas...most of which happen to be millions of miles away from us? Oh yea, I'm real scared now. The North Stars once again pluralizes something there is only one of in the first place. Stop that! At least they generalized it when they moved to Dallas, but they could have done so much better.

"Call me the 'Gorton's Fisherman' one more time, bitch..."

The final sport I'll tackle today is one that I feel has the most absurd names across the board, so I'll really pick the ones that stand out above the rest. That sport is:

BASKETBALL

• Denver NUGGETS - Just call them the 'Turds' and be done with it. Go ahead and claim they're referencing gold...I'm not buying it, period.
• Utah JAZZ - They'd be more intimidating if they were the 'Mormons' or the 'Jehovah's Witnesses'. Jazz is a musical genre. It is influential in many other types of music, whether you would be open to agree to that or not. It has no relevance to any sport. Music, good. Team name, bad.
• Indiana PACERS - Why would it be a good thing to be a pacer? Wouldn't your coach make you run laps if he felt you were pacing yourself? Also, you wouldn't want to simply "keep pace" with the team you're against...you'd want to be faster...better...stronger. That's like calling them the 'Tortoises'. Sure, he won the race, but not because of speed...the hare was a dumbass. That's the real moral of that story...don't be a dumbass.
• Los Angeles CLIPPERS - Unless you've experienced some violent deformation from a shaving accident, clippers are hardly threatening. Some men have very unkempt beards, leaving me to believe they might actually be afraid of clippers. Then again, it may not be a fear of clippers, but rather the fear of being a civilized human being. I'm leaning toward the latter.
• Los Angeles LAKERS - Originally from Minnesota (the state that just seems to churn out terribly lame team names), they were named for being in the "Land of 10,000 Lakes." Then they relocated to Los Angeles in 1960...where there are no lakes. I applaud the team for maintaining their name regardless of the move, but it geographically makes zero sense. How about the L.A. 'Riots'? Perhaps the 'Earthquakes' would be more fitting. I bet opponents would be afraid to play the Los Angeles 'Drive-Bys'. They may be the most valuable team in the NBA, but their name sucks an egg.

It promises not to bite you, I swear.

I figured five names from each sport was fitting enough for now. I will attempt to cover the NFL and college team names as well, but there are far more to sort through with those, so I'll need some time to research them. I could see myself putting out Part II very soon.

Keep checkin' in, folks.

D.