Columbus Day

Christopher Columbus: Winner of the 'Dickhead of the Day' Award.

I'm definitely not here to do a 'book report' sort of post about today's significance. It will again be a short one, because I am still working on one that is taking me much more time than originally expected. Here's my complaint for today: I'm expecting mail, yet there is no mail delivery today. The federal holiday celebrating Christopher Columbus is the reason I don't have my mail. Seems petty, and perhaps it is, but this day gives him somewhat undeserved attention from us. Let's break it down:

Ferdinand and Isabella...if it wasn't for her rosy cheeks,
I'd say they were both definitely dudes.

Clearly emasculated by the tribesmen, Columbus
felt the need to prove he was a man to them.
Here, he's seen modeling his froo-froo outfit.

• Sure, the guy 'discovered' America, or at least he was the one credited with being the first. It's too bad he was searching for Asia. He succeeded by failing. Way to go, bro. Ironically enough, it was a lookout on one of the other ships that first spotted land, but Columbus then claimed he had previously seen light on the land hours earlier, giving him the lifetime pension promised by the King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain for whoever first spotted land. He found the wrong land and stole a crewmember's thunder in the process...such a dick move.
• So upon his 'discovery', he encountered the 'native Americans', and in total ignorance he deemed them to be Indians. If he didn't know that it wasn't Asia, then he rushed to assume he reached his desired destination. If he did know, then he made it clear that he wouldn't be proven wrong, so he named them Indians anyway. Either way, what a prick. He felt entitled to rename the people that already lived there. Him and his boat crews are the invaders, not the other way around.
• He was a devout Christian, yet he made it clear that the indigenous people would make great indentured servants and should submit rather easily because of how primitive they were. They didn't have any advanced weaponry, and because of that they were vulnerable to attack and he said, "I could conquer the whole of them with 50 men, and govern them as I pleased." I can understand wanting to keep from showing any weakness to these people, sure. Talk about a cocky bastard, though. Then again, if you really think about it...maybe that is the 'Christian way'...establish dominance at the expense of others.
• Ever hear of the phrase 'rape and pillage'? It's not exactly the first thing thought about when you hear about Mr. Columbus, but there is documented evidence that he was responsible for/a party to the rape of some of the native women. Also, whether you want to accept it or not, not everything he and his crew acquired from these people, whether it be tangible or not, was willingly handed over to them. If I had a modern weapon to my head and Chris told me to give him what was in my possession...well, instincts would be to hand it over immediately. Why die over a spear and a loincloth? Not worth it. Another fantastic example of the 'Christian way'.
• He made several voyages to and from the new land, partially for trade, but mainly for personal domination. He was later imprisoned for his use of torturous practices in conquering the natives on certain areas. Thank the Lord.

Here he is being placed in shackles.
I guess you can be imprisoned for douchebaggery.

So before we sit here and act like he's some sort of hero, just consider these facts first. This dude was a maniacal, egotistical, self-centered, arrogant, ignorant and overappreciated jackass. Some may argue we wouldn't be here without him, but honestly...it probably would have happened anyway at some point. He wasn't the only explorer the world has ever known. He's just the one we give the majority of the credit to. You can celebrate him all you'd like...I'll pass.

Chris, thanks to you, I don't have my mail today. You're an asshole. Just sayin'.

D.