Terrible Team Names/Mascots, Pt. II

It's that time again!

It's time to ridicule the teams across the nation that, I believe, have some of the worst nicknames/mascots on the planet. I've already covered Major League Baseball, the NHL, and the NBA, and today I feel the need to 'tackle' the NFL and NCAA teams. Now folks, please understand how many NCAA teams there are to sort through. If I miss a few that you find to be hysterical or just plain nonsense, well...start a blog and post them. I could always revisit the topic, but I'm covering as much as I can at once here. So here we go:

FOOTBALL

• Green Bay PACKERS - This is such a weak name for such a strong team. They were literally named after a local packing company. They pack...wow. You'll notice I won't name the Steelers as being on this list, but that's because the production of steel has been far more crucial to the architectural, automotive and technological industries than packing. Besides, their name is pretty vague: are they meat packers, fudge packers...? Sorry, I had to.
• Miami DOLPHINS - One of the most harmless creatures of the ocean would hardly be a concern to me if I were matched up against them. Nobody was afraid of Flipper. Nobody. Perhaps the Sharks would be better. Maybe the Defectors instead. Believe me...more people are afraid of defectors than you might think.
• Houston TEXANS - Horribly unimaginative. Just like the Islanders, Mets and Phillies, there was next to no thought put into their name. It's the equivalent of a term paper turned in by a procrastinating high school stoner that wrote it the night before. They should have called themselves the Houston Aliens. Now there's a double entendre: spooky outer space creatures or just illegally crossed the border to steal your jobs. That's right, I said it.
• Cleveland BROWNS - Although it is commonly thought that they were named simply after their first head coach, Paul Brown, it turns out that it's shortened for their intended name: the Brown Bombers. I wish I was even capable of making that up. That was the nickname of the famous boxer Joe Louis, but nowadays that's a slang term for...well...dropping a deuce. Nobody wants to be on a team of pants-crappers. It's no wonder everyone calls them the Doo-Doo Browns.
• Dallas COWBOYS - I will start by saying yes, I am biased. There...now that's out of the way. First of all, cowboys aren't exactly what they used to be. They used to be in Westerns, fighting Indians (Native Americans for the sensitive), and they generally had a badass image. Nowadays, they're viewed more as ranchers, farmers and line-dancers. They have lost the intimidation factor entirely. Interesting fact: the first group of Cowboys cheerleaders included dudes. No other team had dudes in tight outfits cheering for them on the sidelines. Kinda gay.

NCAA TEAMS

• Augsburg AUGGIES - Needs no explanation. Terrible.
• Boston TERRIERS - Really? They chose the name simply because of the breed of dog? They're like midget bulldogs, or just roaches with radiation poisoning. Plus, it's Boston. Enough said.
• Brooklyn BRIDGES - It's almost upsetting how bad this is. First of all, Brooklyn is far more badass than to be just a bridge. Second...there's only one Brooklyn Bridge. Pluralizing it literally makes it nonsense.
• Campbell FIGHTING CAMELS - Should be Spitting, not Fighting. Oh, and humps are not scary by any means.
• Centenary GENTLEMEN and LADIES - ...why?
• Colby WHITE MULES - ...because the grey ones are much lazier.
• Delaware FIGHTIN' BLUE HENS - Female poultry. Suddenly, I'm hungry.
• Evergreen GEODUCKS - Just look up what a geoduck is...eww.
• Endicott GULLS - The flying rats of the sea.
• Hofstra PRIDE - You can't be a proud. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't just become a noun because you want it to.
• Illinois FIGHTING ILLINI - Lame.
• Illinois (College) BLUES - Lame.
• Illinois State REDBIRDS - Illinois sucks at this.
• Jamestown JIMMIES - Maybe one day, I'll stop laughing at this one...maybe.
• Lake Forest FORESTERS - Surprisingly not named after the Subaru vehicle.
• Maryland TERRAPINS - Turtles. Terrapins are turtles. That's it.
• Nebraska CORNHUSKERS - Might as well be the Cornholers.
• North Carolina School of Art's FIGHTING PICKLES - Fucking art freaks.
• Pace SETTERS - Wow.
• Pepperdine WAVES - Add the word 'Tidal', and you'll be off the list.
• Puerto Rico TARZANS and JANES - Tarzan like bad name.
• Presbyterian BLUE HOSE - Blue hookers? How did they become blue...oh...not those kind of hoes. My bad.
• Rhode Island ANCHORMEN - You mean like Ron Burgundy? If only...
• Rhode Island School of Design NADS - You mean like testicles? You art people are weird.
• Rosemont RAMBLERS - Nobody likes anyone who talks too much.
• St. Bonaventure BONNIES - Weak.
• St. Louis College of Pharmacy EUTECTICS - Even when I looked this one up, it was still unworthy of being a team name/mascot. So strange.
• St. Peter's PEACOCKS and PEAHENS - Fruity name, period.
• St. Thomas TOMMIES - ...
• Scottsdale ARTICHOKES - Worst name ever, yet could be one of the best mascots ever. You'll see.
• Slippery Rock THE ROCK - No, not the Sean Connery/Nicolas Cage film.
• South Carolina GAMECOCKS - When people call you the cocks, it's not because they're cheering for you. Somehow, you'll never get that through your skulls.
• Tennessee VOLUNTEERS - Quarterback Tyler Bray was quoted as saying, "I'm paid to win games." Doesn't sound like a Volunteer to me. Amazingly idiotic.
• Texas Christian HORNED FROGS - Ribbit.
• Texas A&M AGGIES - Short for 'Agricultural's. Again...nonsense when pluralized.
• Trinity Christian TROLLS - So weird.
• Tufts JUMBOS - Jumbo whats?
• UC Santa Cruz BANANA SLUGS - Slugs are just filthy...and slow...and weird.
• Utah UTES - Dammit.
• Virginia Tech HOKIES - Even the school I attended can't escape criticism. Every explanation given as to what a hokie is...sucks. It makes no sense. Even the previously named Fighting Gobblers makes more sense. Oh well...I still root for them. 
• Virginia Military Institute KEYDETS - Why the play-on-words?
• Wabash LITTLE GIANTS - Oxymoron...emphasis on moron.
• Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS - See Wabash.
• Webster GORLOKS - Literally made up. At least there was effort involved here. Still lame.
• Western Kentucky HILLTOPPERS - Their mascot makes even much less sense.
• Wichita State SHOCKERS - Awesome college name...hardly appropriate.

Rhode Island School of Design Nads...seriously...testicles.

Scottsdale Fighting Artichoke

Western Kentucky Hilltopper...what the hell is that thing?

That about wraps it up...especially on Scrotie the Nads. I hope you all are enlightened as I have become. If not, you need to be.

D.

Newtown Donations

Yesterday I posted a link that contained a few ways you can donate to the cause to help the mourning community in Newtown, CT. CNN has since posted a few more, so I will add that link here in a moment. Also, there are Facebook pages being made to assist particular families that are in need at this time, and again, those will be mentioned on here as soon as I find out about them. Even if a donation is not given, I am certain they will appreciate your kind words and condolences as well. Every little bit helps. Thanks again, everyone.

Links for donations.

Emilie Parker Fund

Olivia Engel Fund *

D.

* - Updated 12/16/2012

Remembering Newtown

What happened yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut was unfathomable. By now, everyone knows what took place, and the grizzly details are yet to come, but I'm not about to dwell on that. I withheld my previous entry that was just about ready to be submitted out of respect for the victims and their families. I didn't feel it would be right to make light of any topic, whether it was related to this tragedy in any way or not.

I could never begin to imagine how anyone affected by this horrible act is truly feeling, and I never will understand. I most certainly wish that all of these people can find peace after this. A close friend to me brought up a valid point about timing of this event: this is right before Christmas, and you have to grasp the fact that most of these families already have gifts under the tree in their houses that are meant for the children lost yesterday. That strikes so deep because that's who these holidays are for...the children.

When something like this takes place, you can only hope that some foundation, benefit, charity or any means of donation will be organized to help in any way possible. So far, there are a few I have found that are already accepting contributions, but I'm certain there will be more to come. As I find out the many ways that anyone can help, I will post them on here, because I know I will be certain to reach out however I can. Every dollar counts, and you can be sure you'll be thanked for it. For now, here's the contact information for the first few, and when I find more, I'll be sure to update as soon as possible.

Donate Today

Many thoughts and prayers for those in need.

D.

Yule Hate Me For This...

You may call me The Grinch after this post...

As an employee of a major retail chain, it has come to be expected that below-average music will be running through those loud, dusty speakers throughout the stores. Not only is it the same variety (or quite literally the lack thereof) every single day, but it is a rare occasion to hear an up-to-date song play during each eight-hour shift. They tell you it's 'aesthetically pleasing' and that it creates a positive atmosphere for the customers. I have to disagree, whether they have documented experimental data or if that's just what they're telling everyone. The music is old, and while it may have been trendy years and years ago, the fact is what sucked back then still sucks now, plain and simple.

Unfortunately, as seasons change, so does the music. Notice I said 'unfortunately'. That's right...it gets worse. Much worse. It comes right after Thanksgiving in the form of Christmas/holiday music. Now don't get me wrong...I can handle Christmas music in small doses, but the ultra-repetitive playlist they have on from open-to-close, the same playlist I hear five days a week, is just downright unbearable. Listening to it is the audible version of Chinese water torture. Except it's not water, it's acid. Given my overexposure to this miserable collection of mind-numbing muzak, I have developed my own thoughts about certain songs that I'd like to share with you; thoughts on what they really mean, hidden messages or just general disgruntled opinions. I am guaranteed to piss somebody off with this post...which is exactly how I know I've done something right. Try not to get butt-hurt about my theories, because that's all they are...theories. Are you ready? No?

As you can see, he has his

'beer blanket' on, as he is unaffected

 by the snow on his face and back.

...good.

• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Such a cheerful song about a young reindeer...that was picked on and cast out for being different, excluded from activities with his peers, and only became accepted by them when they found out he could help them with their inadequacies in some way. That sounds like the perfect message we should be sending to kids. Oh wait...kids already do that to each other...weird. What am I saying? Adults do that shit too! Oh yea, and does anyone else see his red nose as a reference to being an alcoholic? Alcoholics are cast out in today's society, are they not? It's not so far-fetched for a fictional character to be associated with a particular, or even a common vice (see Puff the Magic Dragon).




It really makes you wonder
what's in that pipe...he's sweating
an awful lot for such a cold day.

• Frosty the Snowman - I'm just gonna cut to the chase here...cokehead. Seriously...again with the drug reference, but I think this one shocks me more than the rest that nobody picked up on it before me. With lines like, "Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away," it sounds like Frosty's looking for a good time while he's on his high. You don't believe me? How many Christmas songs do you know that actually say that the title character was stopped by a traffic cop, yet he ran (not easy to do if you don't have legs, by the way), and it was over the hills of snow? Come on...it's really that obvious.
• The Twelve Days of Christmas - I'll start by saying that I have no problem with my quirky family (i.e. this song is sung by our family every Christmas, and it gets rather amusing), so this is not me knocking tradition. With that said...who the hell thought of these gifts? Let's cover them, shall we? Twelve drummers drumming: one drummer is loud enough. Twelve is intolerable. Eleven Pipers Piping: again...too loud. They should be struck with a pipe as far as I'm concerned. Ten Lords a-Leaping: sounds a little fruitaayy...just sayin'. Nine Ladies Dancing: are we suddenly at a strip club? Not complaining, just confused. Eight Maids a-Milking: whether they're milking a cow or breast-feeding, don't make it a public thing please...that's not for sharing. Seven Swans a-Swimming: pretty, yet pretty boring as well. Six Geese a-Laying: again...not in public. Five Golden Rings: finally something of value. I don't need five, but whatever. Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves: why the fascination with birds? Bird fetish perhaps? Gross. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: another damn bird, but it's unclear if you also get to claim the tree or not; it only says that the bird is in the tree. Let's be honest...these gifts suck. Not only do they sound unappealing, they don't seem to be thoughtful at all either. It's as though that person went to the pet store on Christmas Eve to get a puppy and all they had left were birds. No thank you, I'll pass.I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Doesn't this song make 'mommy' out to be a bit of a whore? Where's 'daddy' when she's making out with some fat guy in their living room? Besides, the lyrics of this song are so outdated, it's hard to believe they ever applied. For instance, "what a laugh it would have been, if daddy had only seen mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." Really? A laugh? If we're being totally realistic here, if 'daddy' saw that happening, 'mommy' and Santa would've had matching black eyes.



...so creepy.

• Santa Claus is Coming to Town - "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." Umm...stalker/cat burglar/peeping tom much? This is the kind of man you don't want knowing your address. Think of this song as more of a warning than anything else. If you saw some bearded old man carrying a giant bag peering into your window, I'm quite certain your first reaction will be to let him in. If it is...well, you're more trusting than I.
• Santa Baby - Aside from the fact that each lady that sings this song sounds like they're attempting to seduce Saint Nick in order to receive lavish gifts, there is actually a version of this song sung by some guy (Casathious Jones...look it up, I'm not kidding) that sounds incredibly awkward. I'd say 'to each his own', but that's just filthy. Even Mrs. Claus doesn't want to get with that. It's not like they have kids...ever think of that? Which leads me to...



In the real world, Santa's
workshop would have been
shut down a long time ago.

• We Are Santa's Elves - Out of the letters in "Santa's Elves" you get the anagram "A Slave's Nest". That's what the north pole is...a nest of slaves. I just blew your mind once again. (Cue loud explosion...that's the sound of your mind being blown) Think about it though...You've got some overprivileged fat white couple that only has to worry about doing 'actual work' one day a year, while the other 364 days (365 on a leap year of course) are spent overseeing midgets in horribly unappealing costumes making gifts for children with no positive gain in return. I'd say how far-fetched that idea is, but that's probably because you've never seen 'Mickey Mouse Goes To Haiti'. Search for that on YouTube, you'll have your mind blown a second time. As for The Claus' not having kids, the possibility still exists that they raised their children into slavery. They certainly aren't going to divulge whether any of those 'elves' are their own flesh and blood. That would cast a large shadow over such a 'cheerful scene'.

I'm sure there are more I could tear apart, but some of you are already mad enough that I quite possibly ruined Christmas music for you. If you can handle my warped view on things and see the humor in it all, you might not take it personally.

If you are still bitter...well, you can take it up with my employer, who uses this redundant music as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Consider yourself lucky if you are not exposed to such torture.

D.

Anus T. Jones

Look at that shit-eating grin. 

Oh my...I seem to have misspelled his first name there...how foolish of me. It's Angus, not Anus. Although, as you will soon find out, for this guy, they're quite interchangeable. We all know who he is, but perhaps not simply by name. Angus T. Jones happens to be the kid, or the 'half', on "Two and a Half Men." He wasn't even a teenager when the show started, but now he's a nineteen-year-old who should know better than to post some ignorant rant on YouTube and not expect it to spread like herpes in a brothel (I'd say I'm sorry for the analogy, but I'd be lying).

By the way folks, I have decided not to refer to him by his actual name from now on, so Anus it is. What did Anus do exactly? Well...he was being interviewed by Forerunner Chronicles, a religious website that was asking him questions about his faith when the topic of conversation shifted to the show. He went on to discourage anyone from watching "Two and a Half Men" anymore, even though he is still an active cast member, calling it "filth" and that "it's bad news." He explained that he didn't even want to be on the show anymore because of all that. He says that people should do research on television and the effects on human brains, only to indirectly lay blame on the devil himself for everything bad about television. How profound.

Clearly, it's this guy's fault. Saddam, too.

I wasn't sure where to even begin with this one today. There is so much about this that needs to be addressed, yet I have to fit it all into neat little paragraphs (well...I don't have to, but it makes it easier/better to read when it's legible). In no discernible order, I'll just bulletize my thoughts on this issue.

• This show is making you rich, Anus. Have you lost sight of the fact that only two years ago, you signed a two-year contract to be on the show for a whopping $7.9 million? That's $350,000 per episode on a show that has clearly run its course on originality and overall humor. You weren't concerned about the show's content when you put ink to paper, were you? Of course not, and why should you be? That's a lot of money for substandard acting, so there's no reason to turn down such an offer. I guess I'm just surprised your religious stance didn't have any bearing on that day, but as your contract nears its end, suddenly you've got the Almighty speaking through you. What a colossal waste of money.
• Why exactly did you choose to be so vocal about your displeasure? Wouldn't it have been wise to wait until the producers of the show sat down to offer you a contract extension, only to peacefully decline while citing your religious values have been compromised? Hell, you stuck around this long, what's a couple more months? Nope, instead you spill your guts on the most popular video-sharing website in the world about how you are ashamed to be on one of the most popular sit-coms in the world. Given, next to nobody has even heard of the website you were being interviewed by, but evidently it was enough to make this issue as public as it could possibly get. Way to think that one through, numb-nuts.
• When you told everyone to do research on television and the effects on our brains, that must have been coming from your expert medical opinion after years of scientific data analysis that you have personally collected, right? No? Well then shut the hell up! Nobody cares about what you read on a Wikipedia article that you happened to stumble on during a moment of boredom between googling bible verses and gay midget porn. You're trying to make yourself seem more intelligent than you actually are. Just stop, you aren't fooling anyone. Well...maybe yourself. Way to go.
• You're acting on the show. Acting! That's another term for pretending. Guess what...you don't have to allow the content of the show to dictate how you live your life. That's a pretty crazy concept, Anus, but it's true. You can act like a heathen on the show and be a true God-fearing Christian in reality; that doesn't make you a hypocrite. If anything, that makes you versatile as an actor. For example, take a look at some of Edward Norton's performances: 1) American History X - Derek Vinyard: White Supremacist/Neo-Nazi...2) Keeping The Faith - Father Brian Finn: Catholic Priest...3) The Score - Jack Teller: Professional Thief/Con-Artist. I'm quite certain that in real life, Edward Norton isn't just a racist con-man that's pretending to be a Catholic priest in order to steal someone's Oscar. To all of my readers, and to you, Anus, forgive me if you feel as though I'm comparing this shit-for-brains kid to Edward Norton, because that's not my intention. I'm simply pointing out that he doesn't let his personal life take over his acting life. Want to be less of a hypocrite? Renounce your possessions and life a modest, blue-collar Christian life. Oh wait...you like your money and expensive things too much to do that? My bad.
• You should get really comfortable with a legal term right now: slander. If you could have learned anything from that raging drug abuser/alcoholic you used to call your costar, it's to keep your mouth shut if you want to stay out of legal trouble with the people in charge of "Two and a Half Men." You'll probably get off easy, anyway, and you'll get what you want in the end: removed from the show. You may need to open your checkbook while you're at it. Ever heard of the phrase, "put your money where your mouth is"? Don't do that literally, though. Money is pretty filthy...almost as filthy as your show.
• Most child actors fade away once they become 'adults'. You had a golden opportunity to prevent that from happening, and you may have pissed that away. No apology will erase the possibility that you just committed career suicide. You'll simply be remembered as the 'Holier Than Thou' child actor. Look at the bright side...you're not addicted to coke. You're already miles ahead of the majority of young Hollywood failures.

Now that's an actor.

I just wish people like Anus would be satisfied with being rich and famous...satisfied enough that they don't come out with mindless drivel like that. Instead, he gets more media attention than before, which is more than likely the main goal from the get-go. Unfortunately, I've contributed to that on an amateur level. The only difference is I don't care that I'm telling him off about it. I'm not going to glorify him for being an idiot. That's what the American media is for, but that's just a whole other thing to rant about...

Let's not ignore the fact that he is certainly not the only buffoon to spout out some shit like that. It's just ironic that I've been calling him Anus in that regard.

Re-read those last couple of lines if you must, that's comedy gold.

D.

Show Some Respect

I usually lean toward humor for the majority of my posts, as most of you know, but something struck me as impossible to ignore that I need to share with you. Most of you will agree with me, and that may sound rather confident, but the ones who won't agree are likely the offenders. The really sad part is that most of them are grown adults. Normally I find that the youth today are guilty of many levels of disrespect throughout society, but in this case, even when the kids do something wrong, it is the fault of the parents for not correcting their behavior before it happens. It's amazing these people earn any respect from others for their actions.

So let me set the scene for you. I learned that someone close to our family passed away very quickly and unexpectedly, and my sister and I spent hours upon hours traveling to get to the wake on time. We arrived shortly before they closed for the night, and spent that time paying our respects and offering our condolences to those who were mourning. It was nice to see people that I hadn't seen in years, although obviously the circumstances were far from ideal. There wasn't much that I felt was entirely inappropriate that evening, but the next morning was screaming of public displays of ridiculousness. What's even more alarming is the fact that the morning viewing was intended only for family and close friends of the family, so the utter disregard for decency was on a much more personal level.

I'll start with the general attire that I observed. Most everyone was dressed appropriately for the occasion, but there were a few individuals that stood out to me. First, there was the teenage kid who felt it would be a good idea to make a fashion statement by rolling the sleeves of his suit jacket so that the rolled up sleeves of his button-down shirt were flaring out at the elbows. On top of that, his top buttons were opened to where you could see the undershirt. This is the sort of thing you see in an Express catalog or an Abercrombie poster, not walking amongst the people mourning the loss of a loved one. Again, it is the fault of the kid up to a certain extent, but it's the parents that allow him to leave the house to go to a wake dressed like a fashion model that I feel needed to be corrected. I wouldn't go as far as saying that a tie is absolutely necessary, but it's obvious that he was more concerned about looking good than being respectful. Little does he know that if his goal was dressing to impress, he'd have done a hell of a lot better by keeping it classy instead of trendy.

The second example I have is a style that is particularly popular in that area, so I can at least understand why it was worn, yet I can't understand why that makes it acceptable for an event such as this one. What I'm talking about are cowboy hats. Alright...one thing I've learned about moving further south is that people tend to live more of a country lifestyle. They are outdoorsy, they pace themselves a little more, they have that 'twang' in their voice, and they dress considerably more casual than most. Part of that casual attire typically includes those cowboy hats, but just because it's a social standard in that area, that doesn't make it alright to wear that inside of a funeral home, church or cemetery. Hell, it's hardly acceptable in situations that don't involve the loss of a loved one; what makes them think it's reasonable now? This isn't a rodeo. You're not on your ranch herding cattle. You're not branding your daughter's boyfriend's ass because you found him in bed with her. You're here to mourn a personal loss! Get that through your skull, or is that cumbersome thing that's on top of it blocking the message? It's said that a long time ago during wartime when wounded and dying soldiers were being tended to, the healthy soldiers were only steps away from them when it came time to eat. Out of RESPECT, they removed their hats. They were doing that for men they hardly even knew, if at all. You're telling me you can't do the same for someone you are close to? I should burn your cowboy hat and piss on the ashes. Some of you posers aren't even real 'cowboys' anyway, but that's a whole other issue.

The next thing I noticed that really stood out is a perfect display of how detached from reality some people are in society. This time, it comes in the form of needing a particular beverage in their possession at all times. When did this become so predominant in our lives? Now let me clear one thing up real quick. I'm not talking about people that make coffee, drink a 5-Hour Energy or a Red Bull each morning before they go to work or school. That's routine, and I get it. I do it too. What I'm referring to is the disgusting need to have any one of those products in hand when you are walking into a funeral home, church or some other place of worship. These people make me nauseous just thinking about it. In a span of five to ten minutes, I witnessed one Red Bull (the mega-size can), one travel mug with what I can only hope contained coffee, two Mountain Dew bottles, and a bottle of water. The only one of these I can make an exception for is the water, but with that said, make the effort to keep it tucked away when you're not drinking it. Holding it in your hand while you're having random conversations with your fellow mourners is hardly necessary. Here's what you do the next time you're in this situation: whatever it is you drink, finish it before walking in...period. Simple as that. Think of the positives of such an action. First of all, you won't have to carry it around everywhere. (Who wants to do that? Nobody...that's who.) Second, you won't look like a spoiled, obnoxious elitist each time you sip your drink. Finally, you won't have that awkward moment when you need to throw away your empty bottle, you can't find the little garbage can, and you have to ask someone where you can dispose of it. Plus, with each of those drinks mentioned (Red Bull, Mountain Dew and coffee), you're sending a terrible message. It's subtle, but it's definitely something observant individuals like myself pick up on real quick. You're telling everyone there that you're tired. You're so tired that you needed a trademarked pick-me-up to put on display so everyone knows it. Are you tired because you, "didn't want to have to wake up this early," or you, "didn't get to sleep in on a weekend," or something to that effect? That's too damn bad. You're selfish for needing to make that feeling public. How about we make a deal: right after I piss on the cowboy hat ashes, I'll top off your beverage for you...sound good? No? That's what I thought.

The next two things that I need to mention are exponentially worse than what I've already discussed. These center mostly on what people say rather than their appearance. Certain things will be talked about at wakes and funerals, mostly about great times and stories about the loved one everybody lost. One thing that will inevitably be mentioned is what your relation to the deceased happens to be. Most people already know who the immediate family is, and many of the friends are known as well, but there are plenty of instances that neither are known by those attending. Let me just put it this way: this is not a popularity contest. Nobody is going to win a prize or receive a certificate for being their closest friend or family member. There is no reason to impress anyone with their closeness to that person.

• "I'm her brother, but we were like best friends in high school. We had all the same friends and we spoke all the time."
• "I'm his cousin, and we're the same age, so we hung out all time time and played on the same baseball teams together."
• "I'm her best friend, even though we haven't spoken for nearly thirty years. We had a major falling out, but we patched things up just days before she died, and it was like we never lost that time apart."
• "I went to school with him for one semester, but we were inseparable...aside from the rest of our lives in which we were physically separated of course, but that doesn't matter...I loved that guy."

Listen...the fact is that we are all there for the very same reason: we knew this person, and they had some significant effect on our lives, significant enough that it felt right to honor them by seeing them one last time. Right along with this show-off game these people play goes the emotional 'performance' that some of them showcase. I am not accusing anyone of truly faking their sadness, but rather embellishing. There's no reason to exaggerate those tears to the point that they are dry-crying. We all mourn our own ways, but the ones that really make a scene need to pump the brakes a little. Most circumstances of death do not exactly cause wild public breakdowns and wailing sessions. Just take it down a notch, we'll all be better for it.

There's only one thing I witnessed/overheard that makes the aforementioned seem mild at best. It's sickening that it even becomes a discussion at all, but to be done in front of the deceased is just atrocious. It's hard for me to even say that one small moment of humor about this subject is even remotely okay to say. What is it? Inheritance. Holy shit, people...I don't care if the person died with over a billion dollars in their bank account, the funeral home is certainly not the place to talk about who and what is on that person's will. It's obvious that when a certain few people make that a main topic at an event like that, they're only there for one reason: greed. Many times, that person hasn't been without a pulse for 48 hours, yet you find it necessary to discuss what items and belongings you would like to claim because in some way, you feel that you deserve them or you have the mindset that they already belong to you. Some of these people make me even wonder if there are items placed in the casket with the deceased that they are contemplating taking for themselves. Here's what I have to say to people like this: go fuck yourself! You all seem to be doing quite well before this person passed away, well enough that you don't need handouts from your so-called loved one. Anything extra that you can claim will make you that much better off, obviously. Well that'll do you a lot of good when you die. Yea, that's right...you're going to die too. It's inevitable. So enjoy that shit while you last, you selfish pricks. Speaking of your death...how horrible would it be to know that when you die, your family and friends are discussing what they're going to get from you when you croak? Sure, the argument, "What do I care? I'll be dead, right?" still exists, but that doesn't change the fact that there are many people just like you who will show you just as little or even less respect when you die. When it comes to inheritance, I can honestly say that I'd give every penny back to have any important person back in my life. No object or dollar amount can compare to still having that person in my life. We all know you want things from them, and nobody cares.

I guess that's the real problem nowadays: nobody cares. No one cares about being respectful anymore, it's all about self-service. That's it. It's pathetic, and the offenders should be ashamed. As you can see, I don't have any pictures or humorous additions to this post, but a lot of this stuff struck me real deep. Think about these things the next time you lose someone. You'll always have tangible things. You can never get your loved ones back. That's why I say show some respect. They deserve it.

D.

...guess who's baaaack??

That's right, folks. Johnny Mullet, the Reamer & Writer himself, has returned.

Did you miss me?

You know you did. The sooner you admit it, the sooner I can get back to business and the better off we'll be.

So here's what's been going on in my world lately:

- My base of operations has relocated. It was a long time coming and not a short process when all was said and done, but I am finally settling in. Let's just say I didn't leave the beach, I just went to a warmer one...with less military...no military, to be exact.

- I transferred locations for my actual job (this blog doesn't exactly count as a job). Work has been keeping me busy and tired...too tired to attempt witticism. Oh well, I can't please everybody.

- After my move has been the inevitably slow task of unpacking, organizing, sorting and cleaning. Again...these are tiring activities. They take priority.

- Then came the news of a close loved one passing away, and a trip of nearly 11 hours to be there in time for the services. Not ideal by any means.

So things have been a little hectic around me, to say the least. I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough, don't you worry.

In the interest of giving you all some form of entertainment, I'll give you a few things that have been on my mind lately while driving. Brace yourself...there's some IQ-droppers among them.

1) So I was driving along one of these local roads, barely paying attention to the surroundings, but rather the task at hand...driving (it's a novel idea, people...put the phone down and try it sometime). Up ahead was a painted sign that said exactly this: "HOT-BOILED PEANUTS". Alright, umm...whoever painted the sign needs to be bludgeoned with one of those barbed-wire bats. Remember how I talked about how that little hyphen works exactly? The first word acts as an adjective to describe the verb with better emphasis or definition. So when somebody says "hot-boiled", they are doing several things wrong:
   - Redundancy. Boiling implies hot. Very f'n hot, to be precise.
   - Involuntary Implication. By saying that, you're willing into existence the possibility of "cold-boiling". Something tells me that someone willing to attempt this will be very seriously harmed. I'll find it tough to feel sympathetic at that point as well.
   - General Lack of Intellect. If your poor grammar and kindergarten-level painting skills are any insight into how you are as a salesman, or just a human altogether, I'm amazed you make any money at all. Let's just pray your neighbors don't give you any competition because they're smarter than you and they don't bother trying and embarrassing themselves. Otherwise, they've already tried and failed, making them surprisingly dumber than you. Congratulations. You're not guaranteed to be the village idiot. The jury is still out on that one, though.

"Hot Boiled Peanuts" actually makes sense. That sounds more like boiled peanuts that are served hot. Much better. Don't add a hyphen...never go full retard.

2) I'm not a fan of terrible drivers. We all know this. I've talked about it before. Here a couple more things to consider:
   - In a multi-lane road, if you are driving behind me in the next lane, please do me a solid and make your mind up.. pass me or fall back a bit. This is a simple request, so I urge you to give it some thought. Do not coast in my blind spot. We all have blind spots. You should know where yours is, so I'm sure you are not particularly fond of those individuals that make it a point to stay in yours. There's a damn good reason they call it a "blind" spot, meaning there is no reason you should be in it.
   - If I see you are going too slow, and I'm approaching your back bumper, that would be your cue to move the hell over to the slower lane so us good drivers can be on our way without you impeding progress. If you don't move over, then I pass you on your passenger side, and then you decide to change lanes behind me, please explain...why bother? Did it only occur to you that your driving speed is exceeded by a slug travelling uphill when someone just blew your doors in? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you should be painting signs for "hot-boiled peanuts".

3) I saw a dealer's decal on a car the other day that made me laugh out loud. It was simply named "Dick Smith". First of all, make the decal worthwhile and tack on " 's Used Autos" or "Auto Traders" or something to that effect. Think about it...locksmiths are great with locks, gunsmiths with guns, and so on. What do you want me to think when you say Dick Smith? Who would want to be known as a Dick Smith? Definitely not this guy. I guess we should be thankful, though. It didn't say "Dick Smith Infiniti". I might have crashed my car while doubled over in laughter. You would have too...don't deny it.

That will be all for today. Check in again soon. Reamer...out.

D.

Holidays are not for us...

That's right. Holidays are not for us...they're for the children. I really wish everyone could get that through their heads once and for all. How did this bit of aggravation come up exactly? Well, as we all know, yesterday was Halloween. Even though that rotten bitch Sandy ruined it for a lot of candy-craving-kids on the east coast, the fact is the holiday has come and gone. So amidst the many different conversations that myself and the roommates were having, one of them mentioned something that her coworker said. I can't quote the woman because I wasn't there when she said it, but it was something to the effect of not recognizing or celebrating Halloween because it was the Devil's holiday. She said that her children would not be trick-or-treating for that very reason. She even went on to brag about the "extensive research" she did (which I'm wondering if she went past the first two paragraphs of the wikipedia version of Halloween), so she must know what she's talking about. I'll be the first to throw the 'bullshit flag' on this one (similar to a penalty flag in football, but instead of yellow, it'd be dark brown). Maybe she didn't know she could scroll down. Maybe the table of contents was far too short for an intellectual such as herself. On the contrary, maybe it was too long and she felt intimidated enough not to read any further. Whatever the reason, this woman needs a heavy dose of reality, she can eat crow for dinner, then for dessert she can have a nice big slice of humble pie. With all of that said, I'm going to list a few holidays that I believe we really need to shift the focus back to making children happy, because that's what they're all about.

"Tussin" is slang for "reality"...so come get some, lady.

Alright, so Halloween...like I said, I've already had to throw the bullshit flag thanks to some ignorant wench. I linked you to the wikipedia page already, and if you happen to read past her "extensive research," you'll find out what Halloween actually represents. The day is meant to acknowledge the saints and pay their respects to the recently deceased. In short, it's showing respect to those who have died. Obviously a lot of the beliefs from this holiday come from particular religions, so I can understand if any one person's religion is not associated with the holiday. I get that. A lot of people go on with their lives either accepting it or not giving a damn at all. Would you like to know why? Like many other holidays, Halloween hasn't necessarily lost its meaning, but it just takes on a different approach in modern society. Way back when, candles were lit and vigils were held, which is not too far from what we do now. Many of the costumes and practices reference the dead, whether it be in a joking manner or not. Candles are lit, except instead of being in skulls, they are lit in hollowed out pumpkins with creatively designed cut-outs for the light to shine through. That's all fine and well. Honestly though, Halloween is a day that licenses kids to dress up like a total jackass, go out in public with their parents walking behind them, embarrassingly claiming these disguised creatures, and they get rewarded for it by receiving five pounds of sugary, chocolaty sweets. What kid doesn't want that? Now in all fairness, there are adults that have enough of a sense of humor and an inner child that come out in their own costume efforts, which is absolutely fine. I am not questioning them at all, especially since I am one. We're not going to talk about the fact that for the past two Halloweens, I have been gigantic, walking, talking sexual innuendos, and why is that? That's because I don't need a holiday to be an idiot. I can do that just fine on my own. Allow these kids to have a night to pretend. We all get so caught up in reality that we don't even take a chance to use our imaginations anymore, so restricting children from that is passively cruel. Let kids be kids, let them dress up and have some candy. One day a year is not too much to ask.

It's not their fault they haven't seen Brokeback Mountain...just sayin'.

Christmas is another obvious one. Once again...heavy on the religious background. I won't even delve into that, because whether you are a Christian or not, I'm sure you know the story. If you still don't, just google it. I'm not going to post a link to something that's so familiar to everyone. Gifts are a wonderful thing. You'd be lying through your teeth if you told me you didn't like getting gifts. If you told me you would rather give than receive, that's a different story. That's a person after my own heart. I get more enjoyment in gift-giving knowing that I can put a smile on someone's face, make their day or even create a lasting memory for that person. I put a lot of thought behind the gifts I hand out because they are well worth the time and effort in finding the right one for the right person. Honestly though, this is another thing that, whether you want to argue about commercialism and capitalism centered around a certain holiday, it should be directed at the happiness of our youth. Yea, so you're ecstatic that you got the Chappelle's Show DVD collection, a Keurig and a mechanic's tool set...congratulations. You're also an adult. You can find many productive things to do with each of these items (yes...even the tool set...). That's not what makes the holiday so special, though. How about the look on a five-year-old girl's face when she opens that huge box and realizes it's the dollhouse she wanted? What about the big set of Legos that a young boy receives? Suddenly he's wanting to be the miniature, multi-colored architect that builds his own dream house. Remote control cars, video games, board games...all of these things are meant to make kids happy. That's what we should be preaching. Sure, we as adults should be able to enjoy our time as well, but isn't it safe to say that it's a whole lot better (peaceful, relaxing, satisfactory, etc.) when the kids are pleased? Make that the goal.

Go ahead...open it...I'll give you a hint: it's not a unicorn.

One that you may not immediately associate with kids is Thanksgiving. As far as what we were all taught in school, Native Americans and pilgrims lived in perfect harmony and had a great feast together with the intent to give thanks for everything they had. That's not exactly how it went in reality, but that's beside the point. The message is clear, and that's what's important: to be thankful. It's not an easy story to correlate with giving thanks without convincing kids that all was well with the world as we know it back then. Is that what you'd consider lying to kids? I'd go as far as saying that maybe it's a little white lie, but it's not meant to harm them or their psyches in any way. We all heard the accepted Thanksgiving story, then most of us came to realize that it wasn't quite so peachy, but guess what? You're okay. Your life went on and it didn't ruin your world. If it did, see me after class, so I can recommend a good therapist for you, because you are in desperate need. Instead, think about Thanksgiving this way: this holiday is a tool for us adults to teach kids to be thankful for everything they have. Life isn't always going to hand them prizes, awards, benefits or any other wonderful thing they're acquiring as adolescents. It's best that we make sure they know to be appreciative. It will be of tremendous help to them in their futures if you really think about it. Things didn't exactly work out according to 'plan' for me throughout my life thus far, but I know I still have it a lot better than some other people do. They are far worse off than I am, and I am thankful for my privileges, possessions, the lessons I have learned, favors done for me, help I have received...all of that. It's time we pass that message along, because logically and appropriately so...they'll thank you for it later.

Suddenly, sitting at the 'kids table' seems a whole lot more racist.

There are some other holidays that could qualify, but I think these stand out way above the rest. If you disagree, well that's fine...but I'm right. It must suck to be wrong...I wouldn't know. As for that...I'm thankful.

D.

Green Bay Jokesters

I've posted a few commercials lately that I have found to be ridiculously funny. As of late, a theme within these commercials has begun to emerge. There is one NFL team that has a few players that are putting themselves in the public eye by way of humorous advertisements, while not excluding themselves from their own jokes. To me, that's the true test of comedy: if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't be joking on anyone else. The most popular players on the Green Bay Packers have successfully passed that test. Many of you have seen these ads already, but if you're like me, you could always watch them for a good quick laugh.

The first is quarterback Aaron Rodgers doing a commercial for State Farm Insurance:

Next is wide receiver Greg Jennings on an Old Spice ad:

...and another:

Finally, linebacker Clay Matthews does a commercial for Fathead:

I can only imagine what that locker room is like. There are probably non-stop jokes, pranks and an overall fun and entertaining atmosphere, which is how it should be. It's pretty refreshing to know that these men haven't let the game of football get to their heads. Sure, money and fame are great motivators in endorsement deals, but at least they're enjoying themselves in the process.

That is all.

D.

Your House Is Not A Mess

How dare you have those pillows just haplessly laying there...

Here's a phrase I hear all too often when going to somebody else's house, apartment...whatever they happen to live in:

"I'll apologize in advance, but my place is a mess..."

It's either that or some close variation of it. I can understand the concern that the person would have when inviting someone into their home for the first time, considering they want to make a good impression in every way possible, but honestly, I've yet to be welcomed into a home that made me feel awkward in any way because of how messy it was (usually there's some other reason you make me feel awkward in your house...just sayin'). I'm going to break this down a bit into some thoughts of mine about each time this phrase has been spoken to me.

1. The house isn't a mess at all. That's right, you're making a huge deal over nothing. There's a pair of shoes laying by the front door and a stack of mail next to an empty drinking glass on the end table next to the couch. If that's what you call a mess, all I can say is you need to dial your expectation level down a notch. When someone leads me to believe their place is filthy, I'm thinking there's dog toys all over the place, dirty dishes everywhere and nobody has dusted since Kennedy was president. Instead, I walk in and the place is damn near immaculate, and I'm left searching for this so-called mess. I'd say if there was a pizza crust sitting next to a lamp with someone's underwear hanging from it, then we'd need to have a little chat. Otherwise, relax. Your house is far from a mess.
2. I am not there to judge you based on your home. If anything, I'm already judging you for other things. Hey, at least I'm being honest. Seriously though, I am not exactly a neat-freak, so who am I to judge the cleanliness of someone else's place? That's not to say that I leave my underwear hanging from lampshades or anything, but I'm also not going to vacuum my room every other day or so. I'll put in the effort to clean it up when I want/need it to be spotless. Besides, if I already know you fairly well, I can pretty much determine how neat of a person you are, and nine times out of ten, that translates through the environment you surround yourself with. If you're a slob in public, I'm not really setting the expectation bar very high for where you live. If you're a very neat, organized person, then I'm sure you're one of these people that warns their guests of what they think is an in-home war zone. Thanks for the warning, though.
3. I am capable of withholding my commentary in case I am uncomfortable. Once again, I am the guest. With that said, If I do feel like I walked into a war zone, I can keep my thoughts to myself. I am not looking to embarrass anyone in their own home. Who knows...maybe there's some personal stuff going on in their lives that I don't know about, and their priorities are a little more centered on things other than cleaning their whole house just for me. I am not one to criticize somebody else's house in case their emotional well-being is a bit fragile at the moment. On the flip-side, if the place is spotless and is claimed to be an absolute disaster, I also keep my comments to myself. Perhaps this person has OCD, and they're not very receptive to how great their place looks, because to these people, it can always use a little improvement. I've learned through personal experience to avoid any form of conflict with someone with OCD. Take my advice...if you don't, you may end up with a crazy bitch punching and kicking the interior of the passenger side of your car. Don't say I didn't warn you.
4. You are not a hoarder. If you were, I'd likely already have that one figured out and I wouldn't go to your house in that case anyway. For good reason, you've thrown away all of your trash from your visits to McDonald's, your empty CD cases, the magazines of no value from 1997, and the broken furniture that you no longer need. If you do have any of these things in your home, you might need counseling, an intervention, or just a damn dumpster. All three might be the true solution.

Please don't worry about the condition of your home. I know it's common courtesy to 'apologize in advance', but with me you certainly don't need to.

As long as you fit my criteria, that is.

D.

This is a test...

No, seriously...this is a test.

You should have studied...

For those of you who have been reading this on a consistent basis, every so often, just recently or for the very first time, I'm looking for your input. I don't think I'm going to object to 'suggestions' necessarily, but that's not exactly what I'm after here. If you do have some ideas that I haven't written about just yet, toss them my way. Who knows? They may get used in the near future. Here's what I am looking for, and I encourage you to leave your answers in a wall post/private message on my Facebook page (assuming you know me), a comment on this page, a text message (assuming you really know me), or some other method of communication that you come up with (I haven't perfected telekinesis, but you could try...I need the practice). Here's what I want to know:

1. Rate this blog 1-10. I'm not expecting all 10s...nobody's perfect. I'm just damn close.
2. List your favorite post thus far. Knowing my life, the best has yet to come.
3. Write something you believe I would find funny, interesting, new or all of the above.

I haven't decided if I'm going to post the results (semi-anonymously, probably only using initials) in a future entry or not, but I will take each one into consideration. Whether that means you love it, I need to improve it, I should stop ranting about stupid shit all the time, or some other version of computerized, confidential, collective, constructive criticism, I'll absorb it into what I come up with as I go along.

I'll leave you with my own answers to those 3. They say you are your own worst critic...

1. 7
2. Stop Enabling Your Kids
3. Today I found out there was a Nazi-themed sitcom that aired for one episode. Think I'm just blowing smoke? Here you go.

Now it's time for your input. I'm your roast...baste me. (Sounds kinky, huh?)

That's me. Go on...I'm ready...

D.

Terrible Team Names/Mascots, Pt. I

Have you really thought about some team names that are just strange? Some of them don't seem to make sense as an intimidating representation of your team. Others don't exactly fit in to their location, leaving you to wonder if said mascot is even relevant. The rest might not have any explanation that I can come up with. I'm here to toss up a bunch of examples and my quick thoughts on them. Keep in mind, there are tons of teams spanning several sports, so I might not even find ones that immediately come into your mind, but I can always revisit this idea in a future post. So if you're ready, I'm about to drop some weird on ya...

The San Diego Chicken literally has no affiliation with any professional sports team. He's quite literally just a human-sized creepy-ass chicken that is second in craziness to only the Phillie Phanatic. Awesome mascot role model, though.

I'll separate these by individual sports, starting with:

BASEBALL

• Minnesota TWINS - Named for the 'twin cities', even though they only play in one city, obviously. Not a whole lot that's scary about twins. Maybe Siamese twins. Depends where they're conjoined. That can get very scary. Just sayin'.
• New York METS - Short for 'Metropolitans'. Really? You named the team after the generalized term for the city's inhabitants? I'll admit, some of the cretins in the city are frightening, but they're not all burglars, murderers and rapists. All three of those might be too extreme for a pro sports team, though. Oh well.
• San Diego PADRES - Spanish for 'Fathers'. Their mascot looks like a broke-ass Friar Tuck with a baseball bat. I'm not sure what message they're trying to send, but the message they are sending is one of an abusive religious figure. Wait...that does make sense...
• Philadelphia PHILLIES - This is just lazy. This could be the worst out of sheer lack of creativity. The only redeeming factor is the Phillie Phanatic. That mascot is so bizarre that you can't hate the bastard. If you figure out what the hell that thing is supposed to be, though, please enlighten me.
• Boston RED SOX - Okay, I'll admit a little bit of bias here. I hate them, therefore I have to mention them. It's not so much the name that bothers me, but rather their mascots that represent them. 'Wally the Green Monster' and 'Lefty and Righty'. The names are so unimaginative, Wally looks like the sort of mascot that would drive a windowless van with "FREE CANDY" spray painted on the side of it, and Lefty and Righty are literally giant red socks with arms, which is just stupid. That's like something out of a low-budget horror movie about clothes coming to life.

Okay, here we have Wally, the apparent Jimmy Buffet fan who is stalking his prepubescent prey. Next are Lefty and Righty, who either have terribly unfortunate tumor-like growths on their sides or they are touching tips, either of which are horribly inappropriate in public.

There were a few more worth considering, but those really jumped out at me as being more ridiculous than the rest. Next, I'll cover:

HOCKEY

• New York ISLANDERS - Once again, naming a team after the residents doesn't really make anyone shiver. You should call them the New York Drivers. Now that's friggen scary. What's not scary is Sparky the Dragon, their actual mascot that looks like a ghetto version of Figment. Interestingly enough, the Islanders had a mascot removed for copyright violations when they had a badass looking fisherman that was identical to the Gorton's fisherman, except with a hockey stick in hand and a possible alcohol- or meth-induced rage.
• Vancouver CANUCKS - Slang term for Canadians. Please refer to METS, PHILLIES and ISLANDERS. To top it all off, their mascot is a killer whale. Try explaining that one...fuckin' canucks. The Montreal Canadiens get an exemption from my criticism on this one. Why? They have won the Stanley Cup twenty-four times. Instant respect. They could have been named the Montreal 'Pansies', 'Sissies', or 'Girly-Girls', and still you can't deny those cups.
• Minnesota WILD - What the hell is a wild? That shouldn't be used as a noun. Even the Minnesota 'Frostbite-In-April' would be more appropriate. You might as well call them the 'Bitter'. At least that describes the cold weather and their fans when they can't manage to advance in the playoffs.
• Washington CAPITALS - Somebody had to have lost a bet on this one. They didn't even name them after the people that lived there. They pluralized the term for what Washington actually is...the nation's capital. Pluralizing it instantly negates any credibility. You wouldn't have two (or more) capitals. The logic is as nonexistent as their Stanley Cup victories.
• Dallas STARS - Formerly the Minnesota North Stars, this one continues to leave me wondering, "Why a star?" Is it because they're gigantic, bright, hot masses of gas...most of which happen to be millions of miles away from us? Oh yea, I'm real scared now. The North Stars once again pluralizes something there is only one of in the first place. Stop that! At least they generalized it when they moved to Dallas, but they could have done so much better.

"Call me the 'Gorton's Fisherman' one more time, bitch..."

The final sport I'll tackle today is one that I feel has the most absurd names across the board, so I'll really pick the ones that stand out above the rest. That sport is:

BASKETBALL

• Denver NUGGETS - Just call them the 'Turds' and be done with it. Go ahead and claim they're referencing gold...I'm not buying it, period.
• Utah JAZZ - They'd be more intimidating if they were the 'Mormons' or the 'Jehovah's Witnesses'. Jazz is a musical genre. It is influential in many other types of music, whether you would be open to agree to that or not. It has no relevance to any sport. Music, good. Team name, bad.
• Indiana PACERS - Why would it be a good thing to be a pacer? Wouldn't your coach make you run laps if he felt you were pacing yourself? Also, you wouldn't want to simply "keep pace" with the team you're against...you'd want to be faster...better...stronger. That's like calling them the 'Tortoises'. Sure, he won the race, but not because of speed...the hare was a dumbass. That's the real moral of that story...don't be a dumbass.
• Los Angeles CLIPPERS - Unless you've experienced some violent deformation from a shaving accident, clippers are hardly threatening. Some men have very unkempt beards, leaving me to believe they might actually be afraid of clippers. Then again, it may not be a fear of clippers, but rather the fear of being a civilized human being. I'm leaning toward the latter.
• Los Angeles LAKERS - Originally from Minnesota (the state that just seems to churn out terribly lame team names), they were named for being in the "Land of 10,000 Lakes." Then they relocated to Los Angeles in 1960...where there are no lakes. I applaud the team for maintaining their name regardless of the move, but it geographically makes zero sense. How about the L.A. 'Riots'? Perhaps the 'Earthquakes' would be more fitting. I bet opponents would be afraid to play the Los Angeles 'Drive-Bys'. They may be the most valuable team in the NBA, but their name sucks an egg.

It promises not to bite you, I swear.

I figured five names from each sport was fitting enough for now. I will attempt to cover the NFL and college team names as well, but there are far more to sort through with those, so I'll need some time to research them. I could see myself putting out Part II very soon.

Keep checkin' in, folks.

D.

The Best Writers In Hollywood

There are so many writers for everything we watch nowadays that it's pretty easy to categorize their abilities based on which type of visual entertainment they write for. Now given, a lot of how good or bad a show or movie might be isn't based purely on the writing. Acting 'plays a major role' in it (pun very much intended). Aside from acting, production value, budget and setting also make these much better or worse than other ones. I see 'production value' and 'budget' as two different entities, because you can produce a lot of value out of a small budget with a good amount of creativity; money doesn't always buy you a blockbusting hit (i.e. The Matrix Revolutions: the third of the Matrix trilogy had an estimated $110 Million budget...the plot was mediocre at best, the CGI could have re-blinded a blind man, and any movie that portrays Keanu Reeves as Jesus is a shameful waste of film).

Really? I can hardly buy into him as a surfing cop. Messiah, he is not.

My roommate and I were discussing our favorite shows, and it became blatantly obvious that most of them were of a certain variety. Before I divulge which ones made our list, I'll split up the different scripted types as much as I feel it needs to be. Here's the breakdown:

• Half-hour sitcoms
• Reality shows (go ahead and act like that shit isn't at least half scripted)
• Hour-long drama/action series
• Documentaries
• Full-length motion pictures (movies, for the slow people)
• Premium-channel series

There are sports shows, kids shows, cartoons (which I've already posted about...they're garbage), cooking shows and an abundance of other random stuff that doesn't necessarily fit into my brief list, but you get the point (...I hope). I'll try and sum up a few of these together because they somewhat go hand-in-hand.

The majority of half-hour sitcoms and reality shows are mindless drivel. Sitcoms (short for 'situational comedies', in the most literal of meanings no less) are all the same. They may have different themes, settings, actors and writers, but in the end, they are interchangeable and unoriginal. Why is that the case? For starters, jokes used in these shows are only original if they are based on extremely current events. Most of these shows repeat after each other, even in subtle ways that you might not notice (i.e. 'Family Guy' and 'How I Met Your Mother' - amidst average dialogue, random segways to some moment in the past of little to no relevance to what's happening at the time). Both of these shows have their moments of hilarity, but in the end they're really feeding off of similar material. As for reality shows, they might be funnier than sitcoms, yet they usually don't intend to me. Even if they do, you're hardly laughing with the overprivileged jackasses on them. I can understand your skepticism, but hear me out. Think about how rigid a format these shows stick to. There is a pattern that develops, and it's done for one reason: to keep you in suspense. They strategize their commercial breaks, the moments they drop a big surprise on you, and even the way the people act/what they say so they keep you hooked for the next episode's arrival. Most of these reality shows wouldn't be worth watching if they were told to live their everyday lives. Remember the movie 'EDtv' with Matthew McConeaughey? The film crew followed his ass around throughout the most mundane of daily tasks, and the show didn't become a hit until he started acting out. That film was a genius representation of how it is, except the shows you watch have more influence from actual script writers. They know what will draw in viewers, so they will milk it as much as possible. These are the lowest of the low on our list.

Matty and Woody...such a good movie.

Hour-long series on standard channels (such as any type of 'Law & Order', forensics-geared 'CSI' type shows, or something like '24' or 'Lost') have a little more to offer. Not much, but they are slightly better. A lot of these shows follow a pretty standard pattern as well, but it takes a whole lot more creativity to keep you interested for a full hour when you know there's a pretty telegraphed flow of what happens in each episode. They have to throw in a few more twists and socially relevant references for it to keep your attention. They have the ability to be a little edgier and perhaps controversial, but they still need to censor themselves for the sake of FCC standards. That means they have to emphasize emotions without cursing or any other form of explicit material. It doesn't always improve the show, but you could argue that some shows would be better with a few f-bombs laced in them. Then there are documentaries, which are arguably the best-written shows on television because of how detailed and well-researched they are required to be, but they also need to be censored to an extent, and they provide entertainment to only a particular group of people per subject. I likely won't watch any documentary about how cheese is made or the evolution of women's purses because I don't really care to know about the production of either, at least enough to sit through an hour of dissecting them. That's not to say that they wouldn't be well-written at all, I just wouldn't have any interest. If you talk about some military bombing planes, looking into the mind of a serial killer, or mob/organized crime-related documentaries, chances are I'd be able to focus a little better. These are topics I have some level of curiosity in, and because I know there is a ton of research and in-depth, previously unknown (to me at least) info, there is a lot to be learned, and I'm all for some new knowledge.

My personal favorite: 'Crime Scene: Scene of the Crime'

Then there are movies. Movies are ultimately hit-or-miss when it comes to writing, but censorship gets thrown out the window (depending on what MPAA rating they are aiming for of course). So the restrictions that exist are easier to work with:

• Movie rating based on desired audience
• Budget for setting, props, talent, etc.
• Time allotted

The first two were already mentioned, but the third is something I have yet to really hone in on. Keep in mind that all shows are in a series of episodes, which also span multiple seasons (depending on how successful it is, of course). They may last a half-hour each episode, but seasons total up to several hours of potential entertainment. Movies are different. You have anywhere from ninety to one hundred eighty minutes to cram in a huge storyline, make it interesting, suspenseful, funny, scary...whatever they're going for. That's such a make-or-break concept. All of the time spent making a movie, which could take a few weeks to many months on end, yet it has to fit into a neat little two-hour-average package on a big screen. It really comes down to writing for a lot of that to work out well. Think about it...if the plot is poorly written, you won't care for the story no matter who is acting in it. If the lines are poorly written, even the best actor can't recite them no matter how good the plot is. If the writing is great all around, then it's all on the performers to deliver the goods, and considering that's their job, that should be the easy part.

All of this brings me to the last on the main list: premium-channel series'. They are brought to you by what I believe are the best writers in Hollywood. It sucks that you have to pay so much to be able to watch the likes of HBO, Showtime, Starz and Cinemax, but for some of the things they air, it's truly worth it. It combines the best of all worlds of what any writer could ask for:

• Censorship is just about nonexistent
• (What seems like an) Unlimited budget
• No time constraints like movies
• Quality actors want to be in them
• No commercial interruptions

There are so many shows on these channels that are phenomenal. They hold your attention without leaving you in suspense while they interrupt it with a dog food ad, followed by a denture cream ad, followed by a car commercial. Two or three of these episodes equals that of a good movie, and yet the story only continues. The fact that they have the production quality of movies, yet each season equals that of five movies in succession, the money seems to be pouring in for good settings, effects and props. To top it all off, it's no-holds-barred on the language they use, the graphic nature of particular scenes, and the amount of times they do either of those things to enhance the story. When you combine all of these attributes, what good actor wouldn't want to be on a show like that? Here are some examples:

• Dexter
• Shameless
• Boardwalk Empire
• The Wire

The first three are current series', while The Wire is one that only ended a few years ago, but was considered by critics to be one of the greatest series' ever made. I have only watched a little of it, but there's no doubt that the bit I've seen lives up to its hype. Either way, the factors don't lie...and neither do I. Well...I have lied before, but not about this.

Perfect picture to represent Dexter.

Steve Buscemi...pure genius.

My suggestion to you: upgrade your choice of entertainment (if you're willing to toss a few extra bucks to our cable/satellite provider). I assure you it's worth it if you can work it into your budget.

D.