Yule Hate Me For This...

You may call me The Grinch after this post...

As an employee of a major retail chain, it has come to be expected that below-average music will be running through those loud, dusty speakers throughout the stores. Not only is it the same variety (or quite literally the lack thereof) every single day, but it is a rare occasion to hear an up-to-date song play during each eight-hour shift. They tell you it's 'aesthetically pleasing' and that it creates a positive atmosphere for the customers. I have to disagree, whether they have documented experimental data or if that's just what they're telling everyone. The music is old, and while it may have been trendy years and years ago, the fact is what sucked back then still sucks now, plain and simple.

Unfortunately, as seasons change, so does the music. Notice I said 'unfortunately'. That's right...it gets worse. Much worse. It comes right after Thanksgiving in the form of Christmas/holiday music. Now don't get me wrong...I can handle Christmas music in small doses, but the ultra-repetitive playlist they have on from open-to-close, the same playlist I hear five days a week, is just downright unbearable. Listening to it is the audible version of Chinese water torture. Except it's not water, it's acid. Given my overexposure to this miserable collection of mind-numbing muzak, I have developed my own thoughts about certain songs that I'd like to share with you; thoughts on what they really mean, hidden messages or just general disgruntled opinions. I am guaranteed to piss somebody off with this post...which is exactly how I know I've done something right. Try not to get butt-hurt about my theories, because that's all they are...theories. Are you ready? No?

As you can see, he has his

'beer blanket' on, as he is unaffected

 by the snow on his face and back.

...good.

• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Such a cheerful song about a young reindeer...that was picked on and cast out for being different, excluded from activities with his peers, and only became accepted by them when they found out he could help them with their inadequacies in some way. That sounds like the perfect message we should be sending to kids. Oh wait...kids already do that to each other...weird. What am I saying? Adults do that shit too! Oh yea, and does anyone else see his red nose as a reference to being an alcoholic? Alcoholics are cast out in today's society, are they not? It's not so far-fetched for a fictional character to be associated with a particular, or even a common vice (see Puff the Magic Dragon).




It really makes you wonder
what's in that pipe...he's sweating
an awful lot for such a cold day.

• Frosty the Snowman - I'm just gonna cut to the chase here...cokehead. Seriously...again with the drug reference, but I think this one shocks me more than the rest that nobody picked up on it before me. With lines like, "Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away," it sounds like Frosty's looking for a good time while he's on his high. You don't believe me? How many Christmas songs do you know that actually say that the title character was stopped by a traffic cop, yet he ran (not easy to do if you don't have legs, by the way), and it was over the hills of snow? Come on...it's really that obvious.
• The Twelve Days of Christmas - I'll start by saying that I have no problem with my quirky family (i.e. this song is sung by our family every Christmas, and it gets rather amusing), so this is not me knocking tradition. With that said...who the hell thought of these gifts? Let's cover them, shall we? Twelve drummers drumming: one drummer is loud enough. Twelve is intolerable. Eleven Pipers Piping: again...too loud. They should be struck with a pipe as far as I'm concerned. Ten Lords a-Leaping: sounds a little fruitaayy...just sayin'. Nine Ladies Dancing: are we suddenly at a strip club? Not complaining, just confused. Eight Maids a-Milking: whether they're milking a cow or breast-feeding, don't make it a public thing please...that's not for sharing. Seven Swans a-Swimming: pretty, yet pretty boring as well. Six Geese a-Laying: again...not in public. Five Golden Rings: finally something of value. I don't need five, but whatever. Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves: why the fascination with birds? Bird fetish perhaps? Gross. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: another damn bird, but it's unclear if you also get to claim the tree or not; it only says that the bird is in the tree. Let's be honest...these gifts suck. Not only do they sound unappealing, they don't seem to be thoughtful at all either. It's as though that person went to the pet store on Christmas Eve to get a puppy and all they had left were birds. No thank you, I'll pass.I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Doesn't this song make 'mommy' out to be a bit of a whore? Where's 'daddy' when she's making out with some fat guy in their living room? Besides, the lyrics of this song are so outdated, it's hard to believe they ever applied. For instance, "what a laugh it would have been, if daddy had only seen mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." Really? A laugh? If we're being totally realistic here, if 'daddy' saw that happening, 'mommy' and Santa would've had matching black eyes.



...so creepy.

• Santa Claus is Coming to Town - "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." Umm...stalker/cat burglar/peeping tom much? This is the kind of man you don't want knowing your address. Think of this song as more of a warning than anything else. If you saw some bearded old man carrying a giant bag peering into your window, I'm quite certain your first reaction will be to let him in. If it is...well, you're more trusting than I.
• Santa Baby - Aside from the fact that each lady that sings this song sounds like they're attempting to seduce Saint Nick in order to receive lavish gifts, there is actually a version of this song sung by some guy (Casathious Jones...look it up, I'm not kidding) that sounds incredibly awkward. I'd say 'to each his own', but that's just filthy. Even Mrs. Claus doesn't want to get with that. It's not like they have kids...ever think of that? Which leads me to...



In the real world, Santa's
workshop would have been
shut down a long time ago.

• We Are Santa's Elves - Out of the letters in "Santa's Elves" you get the anagram "A Slave's Nest". That's what the north pole is...a nest of slaves. I just blew your mind once again. (Cue loud explosion...that's the sound of your mind being blown) Think about it though...You've got some overprivileged fat white couple that only has to worry about doing 'actual work' one day a year, while the other 364 days (365 on a leap year of course) are spent overseeing midgets in horribly unappealing costumes making gifts for children with no positive gain in return. I'd say how far-fetched that idea is, but that's probably because you've never seen 'Mickey Mouse Goes To Haiti'. Search for that on YouTube, you'll have your mind blown a second time. As for The Claus' not having kids, the possibility still exists that they raised their children into slavery. They certainly aren't going to divulge whether any of those 'elves' are their own flesh and blood. That would cast a large shadow over such a 'cheerful scene'.

I'm sure there are more I could tear apart, but some of you are already mad enough that I quite possibly ruined Christmas music for you. If you can handle my warped view on things and see the humor in it all, you might not take it personally.

If you are still bitter...well, you can take it up with my employer, who uses this redundant music as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Consider yourself lucky if you are not exposed to such torture.

D.