Anus T. Jones

Look at that shit-eating grin. 

Oh my...I seem to have misspelled his first name there...how foolish of me. It's Angus, not Anus. Although, as you will soon find out, for this guy, they're quite interchangeable. We all know who he is, but perhaps not simply by name. Angus T. Jones happens to be the kid, or the 'half', on "Two and a Half Men." He wasn't even a teenager when the show started, but now he's a nineteen-year-old who should know better than to post some ignorant rant on YouTube and not expect it to spread like herpes in a brothel (I'd say I'm sorry for the analogy, but I'd be lying).

By the way folks, I have decided not to refer to him by his actual name from now on, so Anus it is. What did Anus do exactly? Well...he was being interviewed by Forerunner Chronicles, a religious website that was asking him questions about his faith when the topic of conversation shifted to the show. He went on to discourage anyone from watching "Two and a Half Men" anymore, even though he is still an active cast member, calling it "filth" and that "it's bad news." He explained that he didn't even want to be on the show anymore because of all that. He says that people should do research on television and the effects on human brains, only to indirectly lay blame on the devil himself for everything bad about television. How profound.

Clearly, it's this guy's fault. Saddam, too.

I wasn't sure where to even begin with this one today. There is so much about this that needs to be addressed, yet I have to fit it all into neat little paragraphs (well...I don't have to, but it makes it easier/better to read when it's legible). In no discernible order, I'll just bulletize my thoughts on this issue.

• This show is making you rich, Anus. Have you lost sight of the fact that only two years ago, you signed a two-year contract to be on the show for a whopping $7.9 million? That's $350,000 per episode on a show that has clearly run its course on originality and overall humor. You weren't concerned about the show's content when you put ink to paper, were you? Of course not, and why should you be? That's a lot of money for substandard acting, so there's no reason to turn down such an offer. I guess I'm just surprised your religious stance didn't have any bearing on that day, but as your contract nears its end, suddenly you've got the Almighty speaking through you. What a colossal waste of money.
• Why exactly did you choose to be so vocal about your displeasure? Wouldn't it have been wise to wait until the producers of the show sat down to offer you a contract extension, only to peacefully decline while citing your religious values have been compromised? Hell, you stuck around this long, what's a couple more months? Nope, instead you spill your guts on the most popular video-sharing website in the world about how you are ashamed to be on one of the most popular sit-coms in the world. Given, next to nobody has even heard of the website you were being interviewed by, but evidently it was enough to make this issue as public as it could possibly get. Way to think that one through, numb-nuts.
• When you told everyone to do research on television and the effects on our brains, that must have been coming from your expert medical opinion after years of scientific data analysis that you have personally collected, right? No? Well then shut the hell up! Nobody cares about what you read on a Wikipedia article that you happened to stumble on during a moment of boredom between googling bible verses and gay midget porn. You're trying to make yourself seem more intelligent than you actually are. Just stop, you aren't fooling anyone. Well...maybe yourself. Way to go.
• You're acting on the show. Acting! That's another term for pretending. Guess what...you don't have to allow the content of the show to dictate how you live your life. That's a pretty crazy concept, Anus, but it's true. You can act like a heathen on the show and be a true God-fearing Christian in reality; that doesn't make you a hypocrite. If anything, that makes you versatile as an actor. For example, take a look at some of Edward Norton's performances: 1) American History X - Derek Vinyard: White Supremacist/Neo-Nazi...2) Keeping The Faith - Father Brian Finn: Catholic Priest...3) The Score - Jack Teller: Professional Thief/Con-Artist. I'm quite certain that in real life, Edward Norton isn't just a racist con-man that's pretending to be a Catholic priest in order to steal someone's Oscar. To all of my readers, and to you, Anus, forgive me if you feel as though I'm comparing this shit-for-brains kid to Edward Norton, because that's not my intention. I'm simply pointing out that he doesn't let his personal life take over his acting life. Want to be less of a hypocrite? Renounce your possessions and life a modest, blue-collar Christian life. Oh wait...you like your money and expensive things too much to do that? My bad.
• You should get really comfortable with a legal term right now: slander. If you could have learned anything from that raging drug abuser/alcoholic you used to call your costar, it's to keep your mouth shut if you want to stay out of legal trouble with the people in charge of "Two and a Half Men." You'll probably get off easy, anyway, and you'll get what you want in the end: removed from the show. You may need to open your checkbook while you're at it. Ever heard of the phrase, "put your money where your mouth is"? Don't do that literally, though. Money is pretty filthy...almost as filthy as your show.
• Most child actors fade away once they become 'adults'. You had a golden opportunity to prevent that from happening, and you may have pissed that away. No apology will erase the possibility that you just committed career suicide. You'll simply be remembered as the 'Holier Than Thou' child actor. Look at the bright side...you're not addicted to coke. You're already miles ahead of the majority of young Hollywood failures.

Now that's an actor.

I just wish people like Anus would be satisfied with being rich and famous...satisfied enough that they don't come out with mindless drivel like that. Instead, he gets more media attention than before, which is more than likely the main goal from the get-go. Unfortunately, I've contributed to that on an amateur level. The only difference is I don't care that I'm telling him off about it. I'm not going to glorify him for being an idiot. That's what the American media is for, but that's just a whole other thing to rant about...

Let's not ignore the fact that he is certainly not the only buffoon to spout out some shit like that. It's just ironic that I've been calling him Anus in that regard.

Re-read those last couple of lines if you must, that's comedy gold.

D.