AAAHH...September...

Aaah...Autumn is near...

This is arguably the most glorious month of the year. Why is that? Well, there are several reasons that back up my claim. No, my birthday is not in September, which of course I appreciate that being your first thought. I was conceived in September, though, which I found out myself with simple math logic and am now scarred for life (Dad's birthday was nine months before mine and my sister's...do the math; sorry sis, but you can't escape the facts). Technically my creation began this month, so we'll just go ahead and add that to the list you're about to sort through. I could end the list with that, but my head is swollen enough as it is, given my ego and everything. Most of us can agree that more than one of the items listed make this an amazing month:

• As I mentioned, yours truly was brought into existence
• Weather begins to cool down
• Kids go back to school
• Baseball season is wrapping up, playoffs are coming soon
• Football season begins

No need to further discuss the first thing, I'm sure we're all in agreement there. First, we'll cover the weather. It's always funny when it's hot out and you "can't wait until it gets cold again", or that it's too cold and you "can't wait until it heats back up." I personally like it better when it's chilly out. Hell, you can always put more layers on, but when it's hot out, you can only take so much off before you're arrested for public indecency. I've been there, trust me (actually I haven't, so you can breathe a sigh of relief, mom). Honestly though, I am so anxious for this humidity to go away. The temperature wouldn't feel nearly this bad without the dense, chewable level of moisture in the air. I hope it's not just me that appreciates the jeans, t-shirt and hoodie weather that is soon upon us. Plus, cooler weather gives you just one more reason to stay in and be lazy. You have less lawn maintenance to worry about (aside from falling leaves, but that's manageable to me) and there are plenty more things indoors you've been putting off that you can finally force yourself to get done (like painting, moving furniture, upgrading home decor or even finishing that sculpture you started making out of solidified bacon grease, used q-tips and toothpicks...to each their own I guess). If you're one that enjoys this heat, you might be crazier than me, because the good stuff is on it's way.

If you don't want to rake leaves, just send your soulless ginger kid out there to do it.

It may not get done efficiently, but at least you don't have to get off your ass.

Now I'm certain that all parents and teachers that actually enjoy what they do for a living are ecstatic that school is back in session. I know I am, and I don't even have kids. I'll elaborate on that shortly. Moms and dads everywhere are rejoicing. No more day care for the toddlers, no more worrying if the youngsters are potentially burning the house down, and no concerns of whether their teenagers have a 'friend' over because of the convenience of the adults being at work. Admit it: you'd pay twice the cost of all new school supplies to know they're accounted for (and possibly even learning something...) during the better part of the day. Even though kids make it seem like it's juvenile hall with books, part of them is glad to be back as well. They see their friends on a daily basis, there's a possibility they might find something interesting to them in class (i.e. guys love health class for obvious reasons), and they still have weekends off. Some adults don't have that luxury. So why am I thrilled that school is back? Well that's simple: much fewer screaming brats showing up at my place of work, especially during my particular work hours. This was referenced once before here. Some of my readers understand exactly what I'm talking about. Thank the public (and private) school system for stealing your demonic, delinquent, derelict offspring from you so I can work/you can shop in peace. I can't thank them enough.

How do they even fit that much evil onto one bus?

Next, we have the home stretch of baseball's regular season. I mentioned here how great of a season it's already been. Now that my Yankees are crumbling like a house of cards in an earthquake, it's getting very interesting. Division races are getting tighter, and the wild card spots are going to be up for grabs until the very end. This month is when these players really earn their money. They have to show that they are worth these multi-million-dollar contracts by producing when it matters most. Then, if they're lucky to make it into the playoffs, they have to perform well enough to advance. Washington seems to have a firm grip on the best record in the majors right now, which is still really cool to see. Houston will inevitably be the first (and possibly only) team with 100+ losses this season, which is truly remarkable...and pathetic. Otherwise, it's shaping up to be an interesting fall for that sport, and I can only hope the Yanks remember how to play sooner than later. As long as Boston continues to suck, I can make peace with a missed chance at the World Series. Speaking of, how's that trade working out for you guys? Ooo...awkward.

If I were you, I'd be ashamed too. Holding that hat is like playing with feces:

Sure it's fun...until you realize it's feces...and your hands are covered in shit.

Finally, what we all have been waiting for...and by 'we all', I mean men (and some really cool women): Football has returned! High school and college and NFL...OH MY! I bring up high school football because around here, it's huge. It may not be Texas serious, but you'd better believe people pay attention in this area. I'm rooting for the Oscar Smith Tigers. Why? Because they're really good...that, and I don't want to be evicted. Let's just say I'm in a household with a very proud Smith following, so go Tigers! Then there are my Virginia Tech Hokies, who opted to make fans like me nervous in their season-opening overtime victory. Let's all hope that VT can remain in the news because of their football team consistently winning, rather than the abundance of bad press they've endured for the last several years because of a certain few unstable individuals. 'Let's Go!...Ho-kies!' Lastly, we have the NFL. This is the reason men become zombies at 1pm (12 central) every Sunday, our primary diet consists of chili, cheese, bratwurst and beer, and nothing productive is accomplished during the second half of the weekend. Sorry ladies, but you can voice your concerns to Mr. Roger Goodell. You're probably more likely to get a coherent response out of him than any of us anyway. I'm sorry, but at least I'm being honest. I'll be hoping my 'E-A-G-L-E-S  EAGLES!' figure out what's restricting them from succeeding in the playoffs every year. Perhaps it's Andy Reid's belt restricting his ever-growing waist from being seen. Maybe we should consider ourselves lucky for that, but I think he's got some secret weapon underneath all those layers of cellulite. For whatever reason, he's just waiting until the right moment. All I can say is this: Andy...any time would be the right time. I think I have a lot of exciting football to look forward to, and plenty more of teams that I don't necessarily root for as well. There's got to be something on when my teams aren't playing. Might as well be that.

Pssh...playbook, my ass. That's a rather extensive menu he's got there.

"I said a number 4!! Extra Large!! With a root beer!!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to prepare for tonight's opening game. It's Cowboys at Giants. Who do I want to win? As my stepdad would say, "I am a fan of two teams: the Giants...and whoever beats the Cowboys." Even though I can't agree with the first part, I love to see them Cryboys lose. So, for tonight...Go Giants! When you face Philly, all bets are off. Just sayin'.

D.

Silly Things We Say...Pt. II

I previously reported to you some phrases or words we say that we don't think twice about when we really should. I've got a few more to tack on to that list. Today will center around the few that I hear most often, whether it be at work or socially. I've even caught myself saying most of these before, so I've made the conscious effort not to repeat-offend. Here goes...

Please pay attention to what you're about to read, otherwise this could happen to you.

'On Sale' vs. 'For Sale': I hear the misuse of these phrases a lot. Most people in retail may know what I'm talking about. Let me paint the picture for you. A customer grabs an item that has a clearly marked label with a reduced price on it. He approaches you and asks, "Is this for sale?" It requires quite a bit of restraint on my part to refrain from saying one of several responses:

• "No, sir. That product is display only, and the price label is only a ruse. Now please go put that back before we both get in trouble."
• "No, sir. The manufacturer does not make that product in mass quantities in order to earn a huge profit. They make it simply because it's fun for them."
• "Yes it is, but that's because it's Tuesday. It's illegal to sell on days that don't begin with a 'T', so tomorrow you'd be shit-outta-luck."

"Is this on sale?" Why, yes it is...and thank you for the correct phrasing. There's not too many times where the opposite happens and it's misused. I can think of a possibility. Let's say someone puts their house on the market for potential buyers. I truly hope they say that their home is for sale, because if it's on sale, it's possible something seriously went wrong in that house. Whether it be toxic mold, crumbling foundation, or a family of 'carnies' was murdered there and their spirits remain to haunt you, it's probably not a good thing when a house is on sale. I hope that's cleared up even a little bit.

"...the guy told me I can't buy it because it's gender specific...

seriously, I thought that price label applied to everyone!"

"I could care less!": Really? When I gloat and rub something in your face and you tell me you could care less, I hope you realize you're admitting that some part of you is affected by it. Personally, it's not in my nature to brag, but if you really don't care, that's when you're supposed to say, "I couldn't care less!" With that statement, you're telling me that your very last concern is whatever it is I'm carrying on about. Nothing could make you more apathetic than the statement I just announced. When you could care less, you're showing weakness. You're not exactly committing to being uninterested. Either say the correct phrase or grow a pair...or both.

If Bart has to write it a thousand times to get the point across,

I'll see to it that he does.

"Nip it in the bud": I need to clear this one up as soon as possible, since some people think that before something bad happens, you should "nip it in the butt." Please don't do that. Especially in public. People can see you, they have camera phones that can digitally record a full-length feature film now, and there you are nipping it in the butt. Stop it. The correct phrase is nip it in the bud. What does that mean exactly? Well, the common use of this phrase is when you're telling someone to put an end to something in the early stage of whatever problem is happening to prevent it from becoming worse later on. The 'bud' is in reference to cutting a flower before it blooms. Nipping it in the butt sounds extremely invasive, and I know you'd come away with a nub if you even tried doing that to me. There's your warning.

This guy tried to nip it in the butt. Enough said.

"Facebook me!": Since when did Facebook become a verb?

• "My daughter is facebooking while she's watching t.v."
• "I facebooked him the other day to see what he's been up to."
• "I don't like giving out my number, but you should facebook me instead."

When did this become so commonplace? Is it really that difficult verbalize the act of using Facebook, so much that you have to abbreviate your sentences by saying that Facebook is something you can do rather than something many things can be done on?

• "My daughter is browsing through Facebook and is ignoring me when I talk to her."
• "I stalked him on Facebook to follow his every move."
• "I'll never give you my number because you creep me out, and you're lucky that I'd even let you look me up on Facebook."

Sounds more realistic, doesn't it? Yes. Realistic and logical. Please don't look at it as the verb form of Facebook being added to your vocabulary, because in that instance, your vocabulary is likely to be very limited in the first place. Use clear, thought-out sentences every once in a while. People may take you more seriously then. Maybe. I mean, come on...you can't fix stupid. You can only hope to alleviate some of the symptoms.

Well...when you put it that way, maybe it does seem less creepy.

...no, it doesn't. Creepy fits right along with stupid...can't fix it.

I hope you all learned something today. I could care less if you did, though. Wait...please don't facebook that.

D.

Holidaze

Pun very much intended. You don't get it? Well it's like 'holidays', except it's in a 'daze'. How ironic that what I'm explaining to you includes the concept of confusion. Mind officially blown (yours, of course). I'm doing this in honor of today's federal holiday known as Labor Day. Holidays are appropriately days of remembrance, and usually a cause for celebration. Either they represent a historically significant birth, an important date in our nation's history or it's just some crap made up and exploited by greeting card companies and many other fine retailers. Some of them caused me to stop and think twice about the reason we honor that particular day of the year. I came up with a few interesting views on these days, and I'd like to share them with you.

Not that kind of labor. Well...maybe it could be.

Let's start with Labor Day, since we just happen to be in the midst of it. This day is always on the first Monday of September each year. It is meant to glorify the achievements and overall effort of workers socially and economically in any industry. It became a federal holiday in 1894, and it's September date was originally established by the Labor Union in New York (you can thank me later). What could be confusing about a day like this? Well nearly everybody with a Monday to Friday Job knows that they have this day off every year. Wouldn't you say that's a contradiction in terms? Obviously, it's not like they're going to call it 'Don't Go To Work Day', or 'Lack-Of-Labor Day', or even 'Stay Home, Sit On Your Lazy Ass And Do Nothing At All, Maybe Have The Year's Last Barbecue And Drinking Heavily While Dreading Returning To Work The Next Morning Day'. That one would have to be reduced to the acronym 'SHSOYLAADNAAMHTYLBADHWDRTWTNM Day', either one of them clearly having a splendid ring to them. I guess the Labor Unions don't agree with me, but what do they know? The idea that Labor Day is not supposed to be a day of labor, but rather a day honoring labor, is what doesn't register to some people. Then again, there are those that don't have consistent Monday through Friday work weeks, and are forced to punch in on that day. Doesn't that sound a little more logical? No? You're not a logical thinker? I know just the place for you to apply. I hope you like the color orange.

That's what I'm talking about. 

Good ol' SHSOYLAADNAAMHTYLBADHWDRTWTNM Day.

What about St. Patrick's Day? On March 17th, everybody (and I mean everybody) is suddenly Irish and all inhibitions are left at home. The tradition is that your attire must be at least 57% green (statistical fact...not really), you are to be force-fed corned beef and cabbage (whether you like it or not...with a little mustard, it's fantastic), and you are to imbibe any beer or liquor that is Irish or even has an Irish name merely out of coincidence. Why such an emphasis on drinking? Interestingly enough, this day signifies the day Lenten restrictions are rescinded on drinking alcohol and eating. It was the Christian way of saying, "Let's go get wasted!!" That part of it makes perfect sense. Here's where it gets tricky: March 17th was not St. Patrick's birthday. He died on March 17th. The story has it that he was kidnapped as a teenager, brought to Ireland and enslaved there. After six years, he managed to escape and return home, and from there he was a bishop/missionary whose legend is something to read for yourself. First peculiarity: he was Italian by heritage. His parents were Romans that happened to be living in modern-day Scotland, yet we all attribute the day to the Irish, who just happened to enslave the man. Weird, but seeing that I have Italian and Irish blood in me, I feel I have two reasons to celebrate. That brings on the second one: why are we all celebrating on the day of his death? Shouldn't we be celebrating his life by honoring the day he was given life, his birthday? I guess that's made rather difficult when it's not known when his precise date of birth was. This is not common knowledge, so I imagine the general assumption is that he was born that day. Perhaps the next time March 17th comes around (it usually falls right after March 16th and shortly before March 18th, so mark your calendars...wait, they're already marked...nevermind), we should all toast to the memory of a saint.

This is not St. Patrick. He was slightly taller. Oh, and not an animated character.

In the interest of presenting holiday oddities, it's hard to ignore the reality of Christmas. I may be stepping on the toes of many a Christian here, but do you know what I say to them? Keep your feet out of my path. I have big feet, so it tends to happen. Anyway, Christmas is by far one of the most recognized holidays world-wide, only surpassed by New Years Day (because it isn't limited by race, religion or region) and of course my birthday. There's no doubt as to the reason we celebrate Christmas: gifts! I'd say 'just kidding', but the sad reality is nowadays that's more believable. This date is acknowledged as the day Jesus Christ was born. Christians everywhere believe this to be the day their Lord and Savior was brought into this world. I would not dare to debate whether he was born or not, given there is plenty of historical proof of a man named Jesus. The real question is how accurate is the date we accept to be the day he was born? Here's something to read over. On top of the arguments presented in the link, there are several possibilities brought to the table by astronomers and scientific historians that claim the bright star in the sky could have been the North Star shining at it's peak level, or even the likelihood the wise men were witness to a distant supernova, neither of which can be traced back to a date of December 25th. Because it was not documented by the licensed notary that did have a room at the inn that night, we'll never be certain if that date is accurate. Way to go, guy. You screwed it up for everyone.

Luckily for the wise men, 'The Star of Bethlehem' helped prevent them from plummeting off this cliff. If that happened, they wouldn't have been remembered as wise. True story.

All joking aside, take the time to understand the reason you celebrate each holiday. It may surprise you, or at the very least affirm what you already knew. I dare not compare myself to Jesus in any way, but feel free to engage in gift-giving any day of the year for the celebration of my birth. Just sayin'...cash and gift cards are acceptable, too.

D.

Fast Food Fallacy

The more and more commercials that come on during whatever show or sporting event I'm watching, a pattern develops and becomes extremely evident. It's really quite subtle when you only think of each individual thirty second ad, but when you consider all of them together, it's clear they are using a tame type of propaganda. That word may be a little strong, but people do seem to be easily swayed by what the commercials show them, or at least what they imply.

Taco Bell Grade D commercial...just like their beef. True story.

My personal view on fast food is pretty simple. Most of it tastes great. Some of it not is not even appetizing enough to consider. Giving up that part of my diet (for the most part) has been difficult, as I'm sure you could imagine. Here are some things I considered in making that decision. First the Pros:

• Speed: It's fast. Duh.
• Price: It's relatively cheap.
• Convenience: These locations are everywhere, easy to find and clearly marked.
• Taste: As previously mentioned, it's delicious. Super delicious.

Then the Cons:

• Physical health: Fattening, high calorie options leading to consistent weight gain.
• Contents: Mass production requires the use of steroids/preservatives/hormones to make the product available faster/more abundant.
• Unhealthy 'healthier' options: Hidden factors in so-called healthier choices on the menu. I'll touch on this more in a bit.

After working nine months at Hardee's, I gained a considerable amount of weight. My overall health was declining, my wardrobe was not fitting well and it was only getting worse. When I finally quit, I had to re-evaluate my dining options. Soon, all of the cons far outweighed the pros. So did my fat ass. 

Not actually Dan. This is just a reenactment.

The pros all speak for themselves, so I won't really waste time delving into that. The cons are incredibly overwhelming. I already mentioned the physical changes I experienced. This was brought on by a couple of factors. First, the location I worked at was nowhere near any other healthy options. Second, we were allowed a non-taxable $5 of food off the menu per eight-hour shift during breaks. It was extremely convenient and irresistible to deny. Then you have to consider what goes into the food you so readily eat. The previously mentioned additives might be what enables this food to be abundantly available for consumption, but they are major contributors to changes in peoples' bodies. The steroids and hormones in fast food are one of the main reasons kids are experiencing puberty and weight gain so much faster. It's not just kids it's affecting, but it's most evident in them. What about those 'healthy menu options' they promote? Salads, vegetables...you name it. Guess what? They need to be mass produced as well. They have the same chemicals in them as the other options. What's the difference? Well those additives are cooked out just a little in the preparation stage on the grill. You don't cook the lettuce in salads. You're getting all of the additives in those leaves without a second thought. Might make you rethink going for the greens as your next lunch option.

Fast food poison. These should have biohazard labels on them.

Why is this all relevant to my original point? Just look at these commercials these fast food chains put out there. Look at all those fit, healthy, attractive people devouring their fast food. Look at all of their fit, healthy, attractive friends eating with them, enjoying their company. You don't see a single overweight, unappealing soul on these advertisements. Why is that? Well they wouldn't want to promote what they are actually selling to you. And what are they selling? Larger waist sizes and poorer health. They're happy to show you the exact opposite so they profit off of some peoples' subconscious perceptions. Not everyone falls victim to these tactics, but it's fair to say some do. McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC, Burger King...the list goes on. Their dishonest commercials with the trendy clothes and background music only show people what they want to see: that it's the right place to have good food and a fun time doing so.

Promoting those horrid salads. Notice that's not Dave Thomas' daughter Wendy.

They had to sex it up a little with a more attractive female. Pretty sad.

I'm not saying we all just quit eating at these venues. Hell, the likelihood is greater that people will not only continue to go, but those pros I mentioned earlier will cloud their judgment in making a better choice. All I can suggest is to give your breakfast, lunch or dinner choices some more consideration (if possible). At the end of my time at Hardee's, I was the heaviest I've ever been. Since making better decisions, I have lost nearly sixty pounds, I'm rarely sick and I've never felt better. My wardrobe has dramatically changed again, but for the better. I think I can make peace with that, knowing I'm not filling myself with things that will reverse those positive changes. It would be nice to not have to sit through these fraudulent commercials, but they need to sell their product somehow.

Alright, I'm off to Chik-Fil-A for a large #4...want anything?

D.

The Acid Trip, and other great works of art...

A friend and former roommate introduced me to a profound set of artwork a little over a year ago, which I will save for last in this segment. I'll go ahead and say now that I am not condoning the use of illegal drugs, nor do I participate in the act of using any myself. Hard to believe based on some of my blog entries, perhaps, but I would not lie about that. I would be willing to debate that without the use of certain substances, some of the 'finer' works of art would not exist, or at least they would not be quite as remarkable. Some of this is common knowledge, but still worth noting.

Vincent Van Gogh, perhaps one of the most familiar names in the history of art, was no stranger to Absinthe, an alcoholic drink that contains hallucinogens and has a history of worldwide bans and regulations. For more in-depth information on it, just check out the link. Here are some things to consider from what I've been told from others:

• A story was told to me by a friend that, in college, a suite-mate of his drank Absinthe, and after a short time seemed to be experiencing a very comfortable high. Comfortable enough that he appeared to be stroking a pillow on the couch he was on. He seemed rather content, so nobody intervened. He eventually passed out, and the next morning, when he woke up, he looked around the room and seemed rather confused. He then asked, "Where's the cat that was in here last night?" Enough said.
• To go along with the hallucinations, it has been said that your vision becomes blurred, and things begin to take on shades of green and blue. This will become relevant very shortly.

As tempting a concept it is to experience these things in a risk-free environment, I think I'll pass. I find it more entertaining to have the sober outside perspective in times like those. As for Van Gogh, it is speculated that a lot of his paintings were influenced by what he saw in his hallucinations, or even painted as he was actively having them. Take another look at 'Starry Night', 'Irises', 'Landscape with Olive Trees', or 'Starry Night over the Rhone' to see what I am talking about. You'll notice a ton of greens and blues being used, plus the wavy nature of these landscapes could imply his mind under the influence. Pretty astonishing when you think about it that way.

Starry Night

Irises

Landscape with Olive Trees

Starry Night over the Rhone

Pablo Picasso...was there any doubt? We've all seen art by this man. What most people don't know that his drug of choice was opium. This just happens to be one of the key ingredients in the production of heroin. So it's no surprise that Picasso's mind may not have been in the most clear state when he created his famous works.

"The smell of opium is the least stupid smell in the world." - Pablo Picasso

Not the 'least stupid' comment ever made, but here he is acknowledging his favor of the mind-altering substance. Although his drug abuse was quite evident, he was credited for beginning the Cubist movement and being a major influence/possible inventor of collages. This is not to take credit away from the man for his visions and accomplishments, but it is very likely you can credit opium for the majority of those visions. I know I do. Just see for yourself in 'Three Musicians', 'Guernica', and 'Dora Maar au Chat'. Many of his other paintings have an emphasis on nudism as well, so maybe opium got this guy riled up too. Either way, it's tough to deny the drug and the influence it had on his art.

Three Musicians

Guernica

Dora Maar au Chat

On to my favorite. The one that needs little introduction, but does require a link to view the pictures in the appropriate order at your own pace. I'll give you the quick synopsis. An artist was given an experimental dose of LSD and asked to continually sketch self-portraits as the effect of the drug took its course. When viewing the photos, stop to read the brief description to the right of each image. It gives you a timeline and a description of how he is acting. My eventual plan is to get a clear print-out of each one, and along the wall of a hallway in some future home of mine, I will present them in the appropriate order and label that hallway 'The Acid Trip'. Pretty good idea, huh? No? Well bite me. You're just jealous you didn't think of it. True Story. Enjoy...'The Acid Trip'.

Like I said, I don't use drugs. For those of you that do...maybe you missed your calling. Otherwise, get yourself a pencil, some paint and a canvas and get to work.

D.