Terrible Team Names/Mascots, Pt. II

It's that time again!

It's time to ridicule the teams across the nation that, I believe, have some of the worst nicknames/mascots on the planet. I've already covered Major League Baseball, the NHL, and the NBA, and today I feel the need to 'tackle' the NFL and NCAA teams. Now folks, please understand how many NCAA teams there are to sort through. If I miss a few that you find to be hysterical or just plain nonsense, well...start a blog and post them. I could always revisit the topic, but I'm covering as much as I can at once here. So here we go:

FOOTBALL

• Green Bay PACKERS - This is such a weak name for such a strong team. They were literally named after a local packing company. They pack...wow. You'll notice I won't name the Steelers as being on this list, but that's because the production of steel has been far more crucial to the architectural, automotive and technological industries than packing. Besides, their name is pretty vague: are they meat packers, fudge packers...? Sorry, I had to.
• Miami DOLPHINS - One of the most harmless creatures of the ocean would hardly be a concern to me if I were matched up against them. Nobody was afraid of Flipper. Nobody. Perhaps the Sharks would be better. Maybe the Defectors instead. Believe me...more people are afraid of defectors than you might think.
• Houston TEXANS - Horribly unimaginative. Just like the Islanders, Mets and Phillies, there was next to no thought put into their name. It's the equivalent of a term paper turned in by a procrastinating high school stoner that wrote it the night before. They should have called themselves the Houston Aliens. Now there's a double entendre: spooky outer space creatures or just illegally crossed the border to steal your jobs. That's right, I said it.
• Cleveland BROWNS - Although it is commonly thought that they were named simply after their first head coach, Paul Brown, it turns out that it's shortened for their intended name: the Brown Bombers. I wish I was even capable of making that up. That was the nickname of the famous boxer Joe Louis, but nowadays that's a slang term for...well...dropping a deuce. Nobody wants to be on a team of pants-crappers. It's no wonder everyone calls them the Doo-Doo Browns.
• Dallas COWBOYS - I will start by saying yes, I am biased. There...now that's out of the way. First of all, cowboys aren't exactly what they used to be. They used to be in Westerns, fighting Indians (Native Americans for the sensitive), and they generally had a badass image. Nowadays, they're viewed more as ranchers, farmers and line-dancers. They have lost the intimidation factor entirely. Interesting fact: the first group of Cowboys cheerleaders included dudes. No other team had dudes in tight outfits cheering for them on the sidelines. Kinda gay.

NCAA TEAMS

• Augsburg AUGGIES - Needs no explanation. Terrible.
• Boston TERRIERS - Really? They chose the name simply because of the breed of dog? They're like midget bulldogs, or just roaches with radiation poisoning. Plus, it's Boston. Enough said.
• Brooklyn BRIDGES - It's almost upsetting how bad this is. First of all, Brooklyn is far more badass than to be just a bridge. Second...there's only one Brooklyn Bridge. Pluralizing it literally makes it nonsense.
• Campbell FIGHTING CAMELS - Should be Spitting, not Fighting. Oh, and humps are not scary by any means.
• Centenary GENTLEMEN and LADIES - ...why?
• Colby WHITE MULES - ...because the grey ones are much lazier.
• Delaware FIGHTIN' BLUE HENS - Female poultry. Suddenly, I'm hungry.
• Evergreen GEODUCKS - Just look up what a geoduck is...eww.
• Endicott GULLS - The flying rats of the sea.
• Hofstra PRIDE - You can't be a proud. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't just become a noun because you want it to.
• Illinois FIGHTING ILLINI - Lame.
• Illinois (College) BLUES - Lame.
• Illinois State REDBIRDS - Illinois sucks at this.
• Jamestown JIMMIES - Maybe one day, I'll stop laughing at this one...maybe.
• Lake Forest FORESTERS - Surprisingly not named after the Subaru vehicle.
• Maryland TERRAPINS - Turtles. Terrapins are turtles. That's it.
• Nebraska CORNHUSKERS - Might as well be the Cornholers.
• North Carolina School of Art's FIGHTING PICKLES - Fucking art freaks.
• Pace SETTERS - Wow.
• Pepperdine WAVES - Add the word 'Tidal', and you'll be off the list.
• Puerto Rico TARZANS and JANES - Tarzan like bad name.
• Presbyterian BLUE HOSE - Blue hookers? How did they become blue...oh...not those kind of hoes. My bad.
• Rhode Island ANCHORMEN - You mean like Ron Burgundy? If only...
• Rhode Island School of Design NADS - You mean like testicles? You art people are weird.
• Rosemont RAMBLERS - Nobody likes anyone who talks too much.
• St. Bonaventure BONNIES - Weak.
• St. Louis College of Pharmacy EUTECTICS - Even when I looked this one up, it was still unworthy of being a team name/mascot. So strange.
• St. Peter's PEACOCKS and PEAHENS - Fruity name, period.
• St. Thomas TOMMIES - ...
• Scottsdale ARTICHOKES - Worst name ever, yet could be one of the best mascots ever. You'll see.
• Slippery Rock THE ROCK - No, not the Sean Connery/Nicolas Cage film.
• South Carolina GAMECOCKS - When people call you the cocks, it's not because they're cheering for you. Somehow, you'll never get that through your skulls.
• Tennessee VOLUNTEERS - Quarterback Tyler Bray was quoted as saying, "I'm paid to win games." Doesn't sound like a Volunteer to me. Amazingly idiotic.
• Texas Christian HORNED FROGS - Ribbit.
• Texas A&M AGGIES - Short for 'Agricultural's. Again...nonsense when pluralized.
• Trinity Christian TROLLS - So weird.
• Tufts JUMBOS - Jumbo whats?
• UC Santa Cruz BANANA SLUGS - Slugs are just filthy...and slow...and weird.
• Utah UTES - Dammit.
• Virginia Tech HOKIES - Even the school I attended can't escape criticism. Every explanation given as to what a hokie is...sucks. It makes no sense. Even the previously named Fighting Gobblers makes more sense. Oh well...I still root for them. 
• Virginia Military Institute KEYDETS - Why the play-on-words?
• Wabash LITTLE GIANTS - Oxymoron...emphasis on moron.
• Wake Forest DEMON DEACONS - See Wabash.
• Webster GORLOKS - Literally made up. At least there was effort involved here. Still lame.
• Western Kentucky HILLTOPPERS - Their mascot makes even much less sense.
• Wichita State SHOCKERS - Awesome college name...hardly appropriate.

Rhode Island School of Design Nads...seriously...testicles.

Scottsdale Fighting Artichoke

Western Kentucky Hilltopper...what the hell is that thing?

That about wraps it up...especially on Scrotie the Nads. I hope you all are enlightened as I have become. If not, you need to be.

D.

Newtown Donations

Yesterday I posted a link that contained a few ways you can donate to the cause to help the mourning community in Newtown, CT. CNN has since posted a few more, so I will add that link here in a moment. Also, there are Facebook pages being made to assist particular families that are in need at this time, and again, those will be mentioned on here as soon as I find out about them. Even if a donation is not given, I am certain they will appreciate your kind words and condolences as well. Every little bit helps. Thanks again, everyone.

Links for donations.

Emilie Parker Fund

Olivia Engel Fund *

D.

* - Updated 12/16/2012

Remembering Newtown

What happened yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut was unfathomable. By now, everyone knows what took place, and the grizzly details are yet to come, but I'm not about to dwell on that. I withheld my previous entry that was just about ready to be submitted out of respect for the victims and their families. I didn't feel it would be right to make light of any topic, whether it was related to this tragedy in any way or not.

I could never begin to imagine how anyone affected by this horrible act is truly feeling, and I never will understand. I most certainly wish that all of these people can find peace after this. A close friend to me brought up a valid point about timing of this event: this is right before Christmas, and you have to grasp the fact that most of these families already have gifts under the tree in their houses that are meant for the children lost yesterday. That strikes so deep because that's who these holidays are for...the children.

When something like this takes place, you can only hope that some foundation, benefit, charity or any means of donation will be organized to help in any way possible. So far, there are a few I have found that are already accepting contributions, but I'm certain there will be more to come. As I find out the many ways that anyone can help, I will post them on here, because I know I will be certain to reach out however I can. Every dollar counts, and you can be sure you'll be thanked for it. For now, here's the contact information for the first few, and when I find more, I'll be sure to update as soon as possible.

Donate Today

Many thoughts and prayers for those in need.

D.

Yule Hate Me For This...

You may call me The Grinch after this post...

As an employee of a major retail chain, it has come to be expected that below-average music will be running through those loud, dusty speakers throughout the stores. Not only is it the same variety (or quite literally the lack thereof) every single day, but it is a rare occasion to hear an up-to-date song play during each eight-hour shift. They tell you it's 'aesthetically pleasing' and that it creates a positive atmosphere for the customers. I have to disagree, whether they have documented experimental data or if that's just what they're telling everyone. The music is old, and while it may have been trendy years and years ago, the fact is what sucked back then still sucks now, plain and simple.

Unfortunately, as seasons change, so does the music. Notice I said 'unfortunately'. That's right...it gets worse. Much worse. It comes right after Thanksgiving in the form of Christmas/holiday music. Now don't get me wrong...I can handle Christmas music in small doses, but the ultra-repetitive playlist they have on from open-to-close, the same playlist I hear five days a week, is just downright unbearable. Listening to it is the audible version of Chinese water torture. Except it's not water, it's acid. Given my overexposure to this miserable collection of mind-numbing muzak, I have developed my own thoughts about certain songs that I'd like to share with you; thoughts on what they really mean, hidden messages or just general disgruntled opinions. I am guaranteed to piss somebody off with this post...which is exactly how I know I've done something right. Try not to get butt-hurt about my theories, because that's all they are...theories. Are you ready? No?

As you can see, he has his

'beer blanket' on, as he is unaffected

 by the snow on his face and back.

...good.

• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Such a cheerful song about a young reindeer...that was picked on and cast out for being different, excluded from activities with his peers, and only became accepted by them when they found out he could help them with their inadequacies in some way. That sounds like the perfect message we should be sending to kids. Oh wait...kids already do that to each other...weird. What am I saying? Adults do that shit too! Oh yea, and does anyone else see his red nose as a reference to being an alcoholic? Alcoholics are cast out in today's society, are they not? It's not so far-fetched for a fictional character to be associated with a particular, or even a common vice (see Puff the Magic Dragon).




It really makes you wonder
what's in that pipe...he's sweating
an awful lot for such a cold day.

• Frosty the Snowman - I'm just gonna cut to the chase here...cokehead. Seriously...again with the drug reference, but I think this one shocks me more than the rest that nobody picked up on it before me. With lines like, "Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away," it sounds like Frosty's looking for a good time while he's on his high. You don't believe me? How many Christmas songs do you know that actually say that the title character was stopped by a traffic cop, yet he ran (not easy to do if you don't have legs, by the way), and it was over the hills of snow? Come on...it's really that obvious.
• The Twelve Days of Christmas - I'll start by saying that I have no problem with my quirky family (i.e. this song is sung by our family every Christmas, and it gets rather amusing), so this is not me knocking tradition. With that said...who the hell thought of these gifts? Let's cover them, shall we? Twelve drummers drumming: one drummer is loud enough. Twelve is intolerable. Eleven Pipers Piping: again...too loud. They should be struck with a pipe as far as I'm concerned. Ten Lords a-Leaping: sounds a little fruitaayy...just sayin'. Nine Ladies Dancing: are we suddenly at a strip club? Not complaining, just confused. Eight Maids a-Milking: whether they're milking a cow or breast-feeding, don't make it a public thing please...that's not for sharing. Seven Swans a-Swimming: pretty, yet pretty boring as well. Six Geese a-Laying: again...not in public. Five Golden Rings: finally something of value. I don't need five, but whatever. Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves: why the fascination with birds? Bird fetish perhaps? Gross. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: another damn bird, but it's unclear if you also get to claim the tree or not; it only says that the bird is in the tree. Let's be honest...these gifts suck. Not only do they sound unappealing, they don't seem to be thoughtful at all either. It's as though that person went to the pet store on Christmas Eve to get a puppy and all they had left were birds. No thank you, I'll pass.I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Doesn't this song make 'mommy' out to be a bit of a whore? Where's 'daddy' when she's making out with some fat guy in their living room? Besides, the lyrics of this song are so outdated, it's hard to believe they ever applied. For instance, "what a laugh it would have been, if daddy had only seen mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." Really? A laugh? If we're being totally realistic here, if 'daddy' saw that happening, 'mommy' and Santa would've had matching black eyes.



...so creepy.

• Santa Claus is Coming to Town - "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." Umm...stalker/cat burglar/peeping tom much? This is the kind of man you don't want knowing your address. Think of this song as more of a warning than anything else. If you saw some bearded old man carrying a giant bag peering into your window, I'm quite certain your first reaction will be to let him in. If it is...well, you're more trusting than I.
• Santa Baby - Aside from the fact that each lady that sings this song sounds like they're attempting to seduce Saint Nick in order to receive lavish gifts, there is actually a version of this song sung by some guy (Casathious Jones...look it up, I'm not kidding) that sounds incredibly awkward. I'd say 'to each his own', but that's just filthy. Even Mrs. Claus doesn't want to get with that. It's not like they have kids...ever think of that? Which leads me to...



In the real world, Santa's
workshop would have been
shut down a long time ago.

• We Are Santa's Elves - Out of the letters in "Santa's Elves" you get the anagram "A Slave's Nest". That's what the north pole is...a nest of slaves. I just blew your mind once again. (Cue loud explosion...that's the sound of your mind being blown) Think about it though...You've got some overprivileged fat white couple that only has to worry about doing 'actual work' one day a year, while the other 364 days (365 on a leap year of course) are spent overseeing midgets in horribly unappealing costumes making gifts for children with no positive gain in return. I'd say how far-fetched that idea is, but that's probably because you've never seen 'Mickey Mouse Goes To Haiti'. Search for that on YouTube, you'll have your mind blown a second time. As for The Claus' not having kids, the possibility still exists that they raised their children into slavery. They certainly aren't going to divulge whether any of those 'elves' are their own flesh and blood. That would cast a large shadow over such a 'cheerful scene'.

I'm sure there are more I could tear apart, but some of you are already mad enough that I quite possibly ruined Christmas music for you. If you can handle my warped view on things and see the humor in it all, you might not take it personally.

If you are still bitter...well, you can take it up with my employer, who uses this redundant music as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Consider yourself lucky if you are not exposed to such torture.

D.

Anus T. Jones

Look at that shit-eating grin. 

Oh my...I seem to have misspelled his first name there...how foolish of me. It's Angus, not Anus. Although, as you will soon find out, for this guy, they're quite interchangeable. We all know who he is, but perhaps not simply by name. Angus T. Jones happens to be the kid, or the 'half', on "Two and a Half Men." He wasn't even a teenager when the show started, but now he's a nineteen-year-old who should know better than to post some ignorant rant on YouTube and not expect it to spread like herpes in a brothel (I'd say I'm sorry for the analogy, but I'd be lying).

By the way folks, I have decided not to refer to him by his actual name from now on, so Anus it is. What did Anus do exactly? Well...he was being interviewed by Forerunner Chronicles, a religious website that was asking him questions about his faith when the topic of conversation shifted to the show. He went on to discourage anyone from watching "Two and a Half Men" anymore, even though he is still an active cast member, calling it "filth" and that "it's bad news." He explained that he didn't even want to be on the show anymore because of all that. He says that people should do research on television and the effects on human brains, only to indirectly lay blame on the devil himself for everything bad about television. How profound.

Clearly, it's this guy's fault. Saddam, too.

I wasn't sure where to even begin with this one today. There is so much about this that needs to be addressed, yet I have to fit it all into neat little paragraphs (well...I don't have to, but it makes it easier/better to read when it's legible). In no discernible order, I'll just bulletize my thoughts on this issue.

• This show is making you rich, Anus. Have you lost sight of the fact that only two years ago, you signed a two-year contract to be on the show for a whopping $7.9 million? That's $350,000 per episode on a show that has clearly run its course on originality and overall humor. You weren't concerned about the show's content when you put ink to paper, were you? Of course not, and why should you be? That's a lot of money for substandard acting, so there's no reason to turn down such an offer. I guess I'm just surprised your religious stance didn't have any bearing on that day, but as your contract nears its end, suddenly you've got the Almighty speaking through you. What a colossal waste of money.
• Why exactly did you choose to be so vocal about your displeasure? Wouldn't it have been wise to wait until the producers of the show sat down to offer you a contract extension, only to peacefully decline while citing your religious values have been compromised? Hell, you stuck around this long, what's a couple more months? Nope, instead you spill your guts on the most popular video-sharing website in the world about how you are ashamed to be on one of the most popular sit-coms in the world. Given, next to nobody has even heard of the website you were being interviewed by, but evidently it was enough to make this issue as public as it could possibly get. Way to think that one through, numb-nuts.
• When you told everyone to do research on television and the effects on our brains, that must have been coming from your expert medical opinion after years of scientific data analysis that you have personally collected, right? No? Well then shut the hell up! Nobody cares about what you read on a Wikipedia article that you happened to stumble on during a moment of boredom between googling bible verses and gay midget porn. You're trying to make yourself seem more intelligent than you actually are. Just stop, you aren't fooling anyone. Well...maybe yourself. Way to go.
• You're acting on the show. Acting! That's another term for pretending. Guess what...you don't have to allow the content of the show to dictate how you live your life. That's a pretty crazy concept, Anus, but it's true. You can act like a heathen on the show and be a true God-fearing Christian in reality; that doesn't make you a hypocrite. If anything, that makes you versatile as an actor. For example, take a look at some of Edward Norton's performances: 1) American History X - Derek Vinyard: White Supremacist/Neo-Nazi...2) Keeping The Faith - Father Brian Finn: Catholic Priest...3) The Score - Jack Teller: Professional Thief/Con-Artist. I'm quite certain that in real life, Edward Norton isn't just a racist con-man that's pretending to be a Catholic priest in order to steal someone's Oscar. To all of my readers, and to you, Anus, forgive me if you feel as though I'm comparing this shit-for-brains kid to Edward Norton, because that's not my intention. I'm simply pointing out that he doesn't let his personal life take over his acting life. Want to be less of a hypocrite? Renounce your possessions and life a modest, blue-collar Christian life. Oh wait...you like your money and expensive things too much to do that? My bad.
• You should get really comfortable with a legal term right now: slander. If you could have learned anything from that raging drug abuser/alcoholic you used to call your costar, it's to keep your mouth shut if you want to stay out of legal trouble with the people in charge of "Two and a Half Men." You'll probably get off easy, anyway, and you'll get what you want in the end: removed from the show. You may need to open your checkbook while you're at it. Ever heard of the phrase, "put your money where your mouth is"? Don't do that literally, though. Money is pretty filthy...almost as filthy as your show.
• Most child actors fade away once they become 'adults'. You had a golden opportunity to prevent that from happening, and you may have pissed that away. No apology will erase the possibility that you just committed career suicide. You'll simply be remembered as the 'Holier Than Thou' child actor. Look at the bright side...you're not addicted to coke. You're already miles ahead of the majority of young Hollywood failures.

Now that's an actor.

I just wish people like Anus would be satisfied with being rich and famous...satisfied enough that they don't come out with mindless drivel like that. Instead, he gets more media attention than before, which is more than likely the main goal from the get-go. Unfortunately, I've contributed to that on an amateur level. The only difference is I don't care that I'm telling him off about it. I'm not going to glorify him for being an idiot. That's what the American media is for, but that's just a whole other thing to rant about...

Let's not ignore the fact that he is certainly not the only buffoon to spout out some shit like that. It's just ironic that I've been calling him Anus in that regard.

Re-read those last couple of lines if you must, that's comedy gold.

D.

Show Some Respect

I usually lean toward humor for the majority of my posts, as most of you know, but something struck me as impossible to ignore that I need to share with you. Most of you will agree with me, and that may sound rather confident, but the ones who won't agree are likely the offenders. The really sad part is that most of them are grown adults. Normally I find that the youth today are guilty of many levels of disrespect throughout society, but in this case, even when the kids do something wrong, it is the fault of the parents for not correcting their behavior before it happens. It's amazing these people earn any respect from others for their actions.

So let me set the scene for you. I learned that someone close to our family passed away very quickly and unexpectedly, and my sister and I spent hours upon hours traveling to get to the wake on time. We arrived shortly before they closed for the night, and spent that time paying our respects and offering our condolences to those who were mourning. It was nice to see people that I hadn't seen in years, although obviously the circumstances were far from ideal. There wasn't much that I felt was entirely inappropriate that evening, but the next morning was screaming of public displays of ridiculousness. What's even more alarming is the fact that the morning viewing was intended only for family and close friends of the family, so the utter disregard for decency was on a much more personal level.

I'll start with the general attire that I observed. Most everyone was dressed appropriately for the occasion, but there were a few individuals that stood out to me. First, there was the teenage kid who felt it would be a good idea to make a fashion statement by rolling the sleeves of his suit jacket so that the rolled up sleeves of his button-down shirt were flaring out at the elbows. On top of that, his top buttons were opened to where you could see the undershirt. This is the sort of thing you see in an Express catalog or an Abercrombie poster, not walking amongst the people mourning the loss of a loved one. Again, it is the fault of the kid up to a certain extent, but it's the parents that allow him to leave the house to go to a wake dressed like a fashion model that I feel needed to be corrected. I wouldn't go as far as saying that a tie is absolutely necessary, but it's obvious that he was more concerned about looking good than being respectful. Little does he know that if his goal was dressing to impress, he'd have done a hell of a lot better by keeping it classy instead of trendy.

The second example I have is a style that is particularly popular in that area, so I can at least understand why it was worn, yet I can't understand why that makes it acceptable for an event such as this one. What I'm talking about are cowboy hats. Alright...one thing I've learned about moving further south is that people tend to live more of a country lifestyle. They are outdoorsy, they pace themselves a little more, they have that 'twang' in their voice, and they dress considerably more casual than most. Part of that casual attire typically includes those cowboy hats, but just because it's a social standard in that area, that doesn't make it alright to wear that inside of a funeral home, church or cemetery. Hell, it's hardly acceptable in situations that don't involve the loss of a loved one; what makes them think it's reasonable now? This isn't a rodeo. You're not on your ranch herding cattle. You're not branding your daughter's boyfriend's ass because you found him in bed with her. You're here to mourn a personal loss! Get that through your skull, or is that cumbersome thing that's on top of it blocking the message? It's said that a long time ago during wartime when wounded and dying soldiers were being tended to, the healthy soldiers were only steps away from them when it came time to eat. Out of RESPECT, they removed their hats. They were doing that for men they hardly even knew, if at all. You're telling me you can't do the same for someone you are close to? I should burn your cowboy hat and piss on the ashes. Some of you posers aren't even real 'cowboys' anyway, but that's a whole other issue.

The next thing I noticed that really stood out is a perfect display of how detached from reality some people are in society. This time, it comes in the form of needing a particular beverage in their possession at all times. When did this become so predominant in our lives? Now let me clear one thing up real quick. I'm not talking about people that make coffee, drink a 5-Hour Energy or a Red Bull each morning before they go to work or school. That's routine, and I get it. I do it too. What I'm referring to is the disgusting need to have any one of those products in hand when you are walking into a funeral home, church or some other place of worship. These people make me nauseous just thinking about it. In a span of five to ten minutes, I witnessed one Red Bull (the mega-size can), one travel mug with what I can only hope contained coffee, two Mountain Dew bottles, and a bottle of water. The only one of these I can make an exception for is the water, but with that said, make the effort to keep it tucked away when you're not drinking it. Holding it in your hand while you're having random conversations with your fellow mourners is hardly necessary. Here's what you do the next time you're in this situation: whatever it is you drink, finish it before walking in...period. Simple as that. Think of the positives of such an action. First of all, you won't have to carry it around everywhere. (Who wants to do that? Nobody...that's who.) Second, you won't look like a spoiled, obnoxious elitist each time you sip your drink. Finally, you won't have that awkward moment when you need to throw away your empty bottle, you can't find the little garbage can, and you have to ask someone where you can dispose of it. Plus, with each of those drinks mentioned (Red Bull, Mountain Dew and coffee), you're sending a terrible message. It's subtle, but it's definitely something observant individuals like myself pick up on real quick. You're telling everyone there that you're tired. You're so tired that you needed a trademarked pick-me-up to put on display so everyone knows it. Are you tired because you, "didn't want to have to wake up this early," or you, "didn't get to sleep in on a weekend," or something to that effect? That's too damn bad. You're selfish for needing to make that feeling public. How about we make a deal: right after I piss on the cowboy hat ashes, I'll top off your beverage for you...sound good? No? That's what I thought.

The next two things that I need to mention are exponentially worse than what I've already discussed. These center mostly on what people say rather than their appearance. Certain things will be talked about at wakes and funerals, mostly about great times and stories about the loved one everybody lost. One thing that will inevitably be mentioned is what your relation to the deceased happens to be. Most people already know who the immediate family is, and many of the friends are known as well, but there are plenty of instances that neither are known by those attending. Let me just put it this way: this is not a popularity contest. Nobody is going to win a prize or receive a certificate for being their closest friend or family member. There is no reason to impress anyone with their closeness to that person.

• "I'm her brother, but we were like best friends in high school. We had all the same friends and we spoke all the time."
• "I'm his cousin, and we're the same age, so we hung out all time time and played on the same baseball teams together."
• "I'm her best friend, even though we haven't spoken for nearly thirty years. We had a major falling out, but we patched things up just days before she died, and it was like we never lost that time apart."
• "I went to school with him for one semester, but we were inseparable...aside from the rest of our lives in which we were physically separated of course, but that doesn't matter...I loved that guy."

Listen...the fact is that we are all there for the very same reason: we knew this person, and they had some significant effect on our lives, significant enough that it felt right to honor them by seeing them one last time. Right along with this show-off game these people play goes the emotional 'performance' that some of them showcase. I am not accusing anyone of truly faking their sadness, but rather embellishing. There's no reason to exaggerate those tears to the point that they are dry-crying. We all mourn our own ways, but the ones that really make a scene need to pump the brakes a little. Most circumstances of death do not exactly cause wild public breakdowns and wailing sessions. Just take it down a notch, we'll all be better for it.

There's only one thing I witnessed/overheard that makes the aforementioned seem mild at best. It's sickening that it even becomes a discussion at all, but to be done in front of the deceased is just atrocious. It's hard for me to even say that one small moment of humor about this subject is even remotely okay to say. What is it? Inheritance. Holy shit, people...I don't care if the person died with over a billion dollars in their bank account, the funeral home is certainly not the place to talk about who and what is on that person's will. It's obvious that when a certain few people make that a main topic at an event like that, they're only there for one reason: greed. Many times, that person hasn't been without a pulse for 48 hours, yet you find it necessary to discuss what items and belongings you would like to claim because in some way, you feel that you deserve them or you have the mindset that they already belong to you. Some of these people make me even wonder if there are items placed in the casket with the deceased that they are contemplating taking for themselves. Here's what I have to say to people like this: go fuck yourself! You all seem to be doing quite well before this person passed away, well enough that you don't need handouts from your so-called loved one. Anything extra that you can claim will make you that much better off, obviously. Well that'll do you a lot of good when you die. Yea, that's right...you're going to die too. It's inevitable. So enjoy that shit while you last, you selfish pricks. Speaking of your death...how horrible would it be to know that when you die, your family and friends are discussing what they're going to get from you when you croak? Sure, the argument, "What do I care? I'll be dead, right?" still exists, but that doesn't change the fact that there are many people just like you who will show you just as little or even less respect when you die. When it comes to inheritance, I can honestly say that I'd give every penny back to have any important person back in my life. No object or dollar amount can compare to still having that person in my life. We all know you want things from them, and nobody cares.

I guess that's the real problem nowadays: nobody cares. No one cares about being respectful anymore, it's all about self-service. That's it. It's pathetic, and the offenders should be ashamed. As you can see, I don't have any pictures or humorous additions to this post, but a lot of this stuff struck me real deep. Think about these things the next time you lose someone. You'll always have tangible things. You can never get your loved ones back. That's why I say show some respect. They deserve it.

D.