Jones vs. Mantle

So I'm sitting here watching the first ever 'Wild Card Postseason' game (as opposed to a tie-breaking play-off) between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Atlanta Braves. A huge deal has been made about Chipper Jones, Atlanta's long-time switch-hitting third baseman, because he's retiring at the end of this season. My opinion of Chipper is not a crucial element in this post, regardless of the fact that I see him as a cocky redneck. There is no denying the talent this man possesses, the great numbers he has posted through his career, and several other things he has accomplished. During a break in the action, one of the commentators went ahead and inspired me with what I believe to be a poorly thought out comment. He said that Chipper Jones IS the greatest switch-hitter of all time. I'll gladly delve into this just a little bit, because I don't know that you can even begin to argue against Mickey Mantle. 

Career Statistics

(Stats in bold mean they have the better numbers between the two players)

Chipper Jones

• .303 Avg.
• 2,726 Hits
• 468 Home Runs
• 1,623 RBI
• 1,619 Runs
• 150 Stolen Bases
• .957 Fielding %
• 8 time All Star
• 1999 NL MVP
• 1995 World Series Champion

Mickey Mantle

• .298 Avg.
• 2,415 Hits
• 536 Home Runs
• 1,509 RBI
• 1,676 Runs
• 153 Stolen Bases
• .985 Fielding %
• 16 time All Star
• 3 time AL MVP ('56, '57, '62)
• 7 time World Series Champion ('51, '52, '53, '56, '58, '61, '62)

The batting numbers range close in comparison, but the career achievements are staggeringly lopsided. Let's get some obvious factors out there for consideration:

1. You can't win a World Series by yourself. It requires the efforts of an entire team to successfully come away with that trophy.
2. There were fewer teams in the 'pool' for All Star games, but there is no doubt in my mind that Mantle was worthy of it each and every time.
3. They played in two completely different eras, facing different caliber pitchers, different ballparks, different conditions...just different.

Mickey only fell short by .005 on average while showing a clear advantage on hitting for power. Then there are the intangibles like playing through severe, debilitating injuries that Chipper never experienced. He is the all time leader in several World Series categories alone, such as home runs, RBI, runs, walks and total bases, which means he came through when his team needed him to the most. Chipper didn't have bad postseason numbers by any means, but they paled in comparison to Mantle's tendency to be clutch. Chipper had him beat on postseason average, but the power and run production are all Mickey's.

I could go on and on about this, but at a certain point, it's only going to sound biased since I'm a Yankee fan and really enjoyed the two times the Bombers disappointed Chipper and his Braves. If you need further evidence to decide for yourselves, here are a couple of links to sort through.

The Mick

Larry Jones

Go Yankees!

D.

Fantasy Football Frauds

I know a lot of people that participate in running a fantasy football team, whether it is in a free league or in one that you pay to play in hopes of winning a decent amount of cash. Many of these people take it extremely serious, while others simply enjoy the friendly competition and do it as an extra hobby. Personally, I like the competitiveness and the opportunity to win a legitimate prize, so my involvement goes as far as running a league and one of the teams in said league. Right now, my team is doing pretty well, so I'm hoping that translates into long-term success that eventually leads to some extra money in my pocket.

For those who need a quick review of how it works:

• When the league is created, it is composed of several willing players that created teams with witty, normal, nonsense or stupid team names; this year, mine may cover all 4 of these descriptions ('Joe Buck Loves Seamen'...somewhat of a play-on-words, check the spelling though, it's not as gross as it sounds at first...well...maybe it is). Leagues with 10-12 teams in them tend to have the best distribution and competition.
• The teams then draft players from the pool of all eligible NFL players, and they are chosen based on who the team managers believe will have the best statistical season, no one player being drafted multiple times. The players are chosen to fill particular positions that will play each week with some reserves on your bench that you can opt to use at your discretion.
• Throughout the season, each team manager sets their lineup each week to what they believe to be the group of players that will acquire the most points that week. Some leagues are played one-vs.-all every week, but most are head-to-head match-ups in which you go one-on-one against a different team each week.
• Points are based on their in-game performance, including (but not limited to) touchdowns, total yards, field goals and defensive efforts like interceptions, fumbles and sacks. Whoever comes out with the most points that week is typically the happiest of the bunch. Team managers with Tony Romo as their QB were not happy this week.
• The last couple of weeks in the NFL season are the playoff weeks in fantasy football, and it takes the top few teams in the league and faces them off to determine a league winner.

I'm sure it can be explained better in person or by someone else, but hopefully you get the point. The most serious participants spend ridiculous amounts of time adjusting their lineups because of injuries, bye weeks or just second-guessing themselves. Some of them go as far as relying on 'fantasy football gurus' that are plastered all over every sports network that covers football. These guys are about to be reamed by this reamer.

Perfect reference material: The League on FX.

On ESPN, NFL Network, Fox Sports, CBS Sports, and so many other sources of football coverage, there are these guys that they call fantasy football gurus, experts or whatever highly over-exaggerated title given to them because they apparently know a lot statistically about football. They recommend players to start, players to sit, who to drop and who to pick up on a weekly basis. All of these are decisions are formulated on factors like their stats from previous games, their upcoming opponent, their health and any other overanalyzed factor they can come up with. These guys feed everyone this information that are merely assumptions of how these players will perform on the field that day. They have no legitimate proof that a player will do well or not well at all.

Start him.               Sit him.

Here's an example. These would have been the correct choices.

Alright, let's get the first observation I've had out of the way. Have you seen any of these men they call 'gurus'? If you take a look at each and every one of them, they are all short, puny little nerds that I can pretty much guarantee you never played an athletic sport in their lives. They were good with numbers growing up, got their asses kicked on a regular basis when they were growing up, and put their math skills to use to become analysts of the men that once kicked their asses. Pretty cut and dry. Need visual aids? It'd be my pleasure.

• Adam Schefter from ESPN
• Jason La Canfora from NFL Network
• Jamey Eisenberg from CBS Sports

Just a small sampling of the dorks in question. I'm not a fighter, and I could kick their asses with no problem. That, plus I'm probably better at math than them as well. So why are we taking advice from these scrawny douches in suits? We should be hearing from men that played the game and have a good sense for how players may perform based on personal experience, and not just videos, numbers and guessing.

With their pathetic stature out of the way, let's focus on their accuracy. Judging by the fact that nobody is undefeated in their entire lives of fantasy football, everyone at some point has made a poor decision in who they started and who they sat, possibly even being the sole reason they lost any certain week. In short, nobody is qualified to be called an 'expert' by any means. They wear that tag proudly when they are asked to give their opinions. Here's the real interesting part: they use circumlocution each week to disguise their admittance that they are not, in fact, experts. When they go over the results of the past week, they give a detailed list of which picks they made that were accurate and produced excellent numbers, only to be followed by their picks that were not so successful. More often than not, those lists are pretty even, showing a few great choices and a few terrible ones. EACH WEEK!!! Is it just me, or is their credibility as a whole rendered nonexistent? These guys are telling us that they are not reliable on a weekly basis, yet some people can't make a decision without them. Here's my advice: make your own decisions. You have free will...use it. Don't let some prick in a suit tell you some guy is going to run for 150 yards and two touchdowns, only to disappoint you with 27 yards and a fumble. Go on instinct. If your instinct normally sucks, go against it. Just don't listen to these guys.

Adam Schefter Showing us a gesture he is good at.

The last thing that I wonder is the product of their flawed accuracy. What exactly are these men getting paid for if they are frequently incorrect in their recommendations? Somehow, these networks find it reason enough to keep them around to be consistently wrong. Is it an effort to boost ratings from fantasy football players? Are they actually just sports statisticians with a second title of no significance? Are both of these reasonable assumptions? I believe so. To all these networks, please do the world a favor, because you're getting plenty of viewers regardless of these horrible so-called experts: give them a cubicle in the background, keep them off camera, and pay them for crunching numbers. They are not worth our time or yours, and definitely not worth whatever exorbitant amount of money you are paying them.

Considering I am 3-1 after four weeks, I feel like I am doing a good enough job on my own that I don't need their help (or lack thereof). I hope that's not the kiss of death, but I'm willing to take that risk. Better than relying on the 'Nerd Squad'.

D.

Unfortunately Undeservingly Unsolved

This story mainly comes to mind because it came up in random conversation at work today when something was said by a coworker that jogged my memory. It reminded me of an event that I truly believe won't happen to many people in their lifetime. All of us have moments like those, ones that you know are rare in their own way, yet you can't rule out the possibility that someone else has experienced it. It can be very small and seemingly insignificant to others, such as some achievement of your own that has little to no effect on anyone else, or it can be something much greater that impacts the lives of many people, yet it's still not an everyday thing. For me, it's not a great memory. It's something that will haunt me until either the mystery driver turns himself in or for the rest of my life.

I witnessed a hit-and-run murder. True story.

So I was about fourteen years old, and I was working off the books at a café in town. It was nice to have the little extra spending money as a teenager during the summer months, so working was worth it. The café was not far from my house at all. I'd say if I had to guess, it couldn't be more than a half-mile from home, so walking to and from was hardly an issue. I remember it was a warm evening, the sun was setting behind me as I made that familiar walk as I always did. Right at the intersection of my street and the one I was on at the time is a public park with a pond, swingsets and slides, and I was just about to turn the corner when it happened.

I was idly walking, looking down at the ground, not paying attention to the world around me that I saw everyday. That's when I hear it...two loud honks of a car horn and then a deafening thud. With nearly no hesitation, the car's tires spun like mad, screeching to get away as it swiftly took off down the road. I looked across the street only to see what appeared to be a Cabbage Patch doll laying against the curb. Simple logic tells me that a doll didn't throw itself in front of a moving car, nor was there anyone nearby that could have thrown it either. That's when my heart sunk to my heels because the only possibility left was that it was a small child.

My attention then focused on the car speeding away. By the time I had looked at the vehicle, it was too far away to get a license plate number, so the best I could do was provide an accurate description to the authorities. I can see the car now in my mind:

• Mid to late '80s model Chevy sedan (possibly a Chevy Celebrity)
• Boxy shape, not rounded as modern cars would have been
• Pewter color
• No visible damage on the driver's side of the vehicle

I still kick myself for not getting a plate number, but it just wasn't close enough to read. When the car turned down a street up ahead, I immediately ran home to call the police. I was told that they were already called and a squad car was en route. When the officer got there, he didn't wait for an ambulance, picked the little girl up, put her in the car and sped off to the hospital, but it was clear she wasn't breathing.

When the police came to investigate, I wanted to give them as much information as possible. I gave them a description, how far from the car/child I was, and answered anything else I could. As it turned out, the girl's mother was completely unaware that her 18-month old daughter had crawled through the doggy door when she wasn't looking and crawled out into the street. It's presumed that neglect was not the issue, it was just a terrible circumstance where the mother's attention was momentarily elsewhere. A couple of days later, a detective comes to the house driving a Chevy Celebrity to ask if that was just like the one I saw. I told him that the car that I saw was boxier and reemphasized the color to him. He then said that the witnesses in the park said the model he showed me was more accurate. Now forgive me for sounding like a know-it-all if that's how it comes off, but I was the closest person to the incident in question. I had the best view of the vehicle from the moment of impact to the moment he turned and sped out of sight. It seemed to me that they were more confident in the words of many adults (who likely compared their vantage points and mixed stories to create one) that were standing at least fifty feet away from the street and at too poor of an angle to see the car even halfway down the street. I know damn well what I saw, and it seemed like the word of a fourteen year old was not as reliable as several adults. It sucks, but that's life.

I swear that every time I'm in New York and I see a Chevy in that pewter color, I pay extra close attention in case it subconsciously reminds me of something I couldn't previously recall. The reason I have to do that is because there never was an arrest made. This child's death remains enough of a mystery that nobody can be held accountable for killing her. I just hope that the individual that is responsible for killing her is in emotional agony and mental anguish as long as he/she is alive. If he can't face the problem knowing it was purely an accident and that he can't be subject to prosecution if they don't know who did it, then he/she deserves to suffer with the memory for the rest of their lives.

I have to live with that memory all the time. I wish that wasn't the case, but it happened and there's nothing I can do to change or forget it. When that story comes to mind, I certainly pray for her family that night because that's not fair to them. Something tells me not many people can claim that they have witnessed such an event, but it's not a memory anyone should ever want. I also pray you never have to face such a thing.

D.

Amazing Advertisements

I've noticed that while I spend each Sunday comfortably lounging and watching football, some rather interesting commercials have been released. There are some that are interesting because they make you wonder what sort of meth addict came up with them, some that have nothing appealing about them whatsoever, and then there are the ones that are just downright hysterical. It is fair to assume that many of these humorous commercials are also made by some meth addict, but that's beside the point. Some have been so noteworthy, that if you haven't seen them already, I am here to share them with you. If you have seen them, well go ahead and refresh your memory of their amazingness. You'll thank me for it later...or you can now and get it over with; it's your call, really.

You're welcome.

The first one is a Honda commercial. It's made exponentially funnier because I know individuals that make sounds like this in regular conversations.

The next one is from ESPN, starring Justin Tuck, defensive end for the New York Football Giants. Let's just say that antagonizing an enormous football player is not a good idea.

Staying with the football theme, We've got two gems from star wide receiver Greg Jennings of the Green Bay Packers. Both are for Old Spice...both are epic.

Now sticking with the Old Spice theme, here is a compilation of amazing commercials with Terry Crews in them. Very twisted humor coming from the fine makers of Old Spice. Maybe the 'old spice' is meth. Just a thought.

Next I have a few Messin' With Sasquatch commercials for you to enjoy. I guess that answers whether sasquatch is real or not...must be if it's in commercials now.

The last one I'll put on here is a State Farm commercial that has been on frequently this football season. It has Aaron Rodgers and B.J. Raji from the Green Bay Packers, and Raji's face is priceless.

Again...you're welcome.

D.

In case you forgot, they still exist...

There are so many things in our society and pop culture that had their moment of relevance in history, whether it be very long or extremely brief, and yet nowadays there is no mention of them even though they still exist to this day. Certain organizations/institutions, music artists, and other sources of entertainment or unnecessary attention begin to crumble, disappear or fade out of the limelight over time. Some of them only have themselves to blame because they don't know when to call it quits. Others rise to fame in a hurry, then vanish just as quickly. It's my job to remind you that they're still among us. It may be hard to believe for some...it may not be for others. To me, there's some level of surprise for each of the ones I will mention tonight.

I am willing to admit there may be bias in my first section because I am not exactly a huge basketball fan. Sure, I've played before...I've got a decent 'J'...but I can find more constructive things to do with my day than watching basketball on television, including, but not limited to, laying in my sweats and scratching myself. Graphic? Perhaps...but you get the point. Thanks to the likes of LeBron, D-Wade, Kobe, Dwight Howard and the other NBA primadonnas, you should already know I'm not referring to them. Their XX chromosome counterparts are the ones in question. That's right...the WNBA. I remember how big of a deal it was so many years ago when it first came into existence. Estrogen-fueled pride was predominant across the nation when they had a league of their own [in Goldmember voice: "Tom Hanks"]. Did you know there's still a league? I swear it actually came down to accidentally paying enough attention to the last 5 minutes of Sportscenter to know that these masculine ladies still compete. I'll give credit where credit is due: they could whoop my ass in a one-on-one matchup, no doubt about it. My question is did they ever actually believe they would be able to sustain a large enough fan base to stay relevant? There is no appeal to it. I already don't care for high scoring NBA games, then you want to cut the scoring in half and have about three slam dunks a year league-wide? Screw that. I've got an itchy thigh, so I'll focus on that instead. When the league goes defunct, somebody notify me. At least then I won't be surprised to find out after the fact.

I couldn't find a picture of women in the WNBA. This picture of dudes

wearing women's clothing/basketball uniforms and wigs will have to suffice.

I know this next one will ruffle a few feathers. Last year, some hillbilly customer called me crazy when he eavesdropped on a conversation I was having with a coworker about how overrated the Rolling Stones are. I said it, and if you don't like it, well then you need to just shut up and learn. Here are things to consider:

• In their younger years, they were revolutionary sex symbols that played catchy tunes
• Mick Jagger doesn't have an incredible voice, I don't care what you say...supposedly he's got moves, though...
• Keith Richards is a sub-par guitarist at best, and I believe his talents are surprisingly enhanced by his excessive and well-known career-long drug abuse
• Aside from a few tolerable songs, I can only hope they were great on-stage entertainers in their prime because the music is less than impressive

I know a lot of people that grew up listening to them are readying themselves to kick my ass as soon as possible. I'd like to tell those people to chill out, put your walker or cane down, sit back down in your la-z-boy and pop open an Ensure because I'm not done. These guys came out with a lot of music that probably wasn't all that bad in the grand scheme of things. When somebody argues music is great because it was 'revolutionary for is time', that's a euphemism for being innovative while still being trendy. Decades from now, people will say that Justin Bieber was 'revolutionary for his time'. Would you agree with that? I certainly don't, unless you agree with my euphemism. That's right Mick...you were just compared to that blonde bitch boy with a bowl cut. Congratulations. The shocking thing is they're still around, and that they are still clinging to the glimmer of hope that anyone cares enough to notice. I'm always dumbfounded each time I hear in the news that Keith Richards falls out of a coconut tree after a coke binge and he continues to survive. I think I'm with a lot of people that weren't even sure he was still alive to begin with. They're still touring, charging a minimum of just under $100 per ticket. Why somebody would pay that much to see these geriatric rockers poorly perform while wrinkling before your eyes is absurd. I hope these ticket-buyers realize they're paying for Keith Richards (illegal) addictions and Mick's collagen injections for his mutant lips. I'd rather spend my money on more useful things, such as beer-scented candles or used sneakers.

Somewhere out there is a naked, homeless Jimmy Buffett fan;

Keith Richards robbed him of his outfit and dignity. Well...not dignity.

The last group I'll talk about will maybe make up for my comments that enraged any Rolling Stones fans out there. It's something that I used to watch when I was a kid growing up, and I know I wasn't the only one, whether you want to admit it or not. I watched 'professional wrestling'. That's right...I watched those steroid-eating (I know you don't eat them...you snort them......) primitive barbarians dancing around on the canvas mat, hitting each other just hard enough to look remotely real, and objectifying some exceedingly fit women that possessed deeper voices than some of the actual wrestlers. All of the chair hits, crushing tables, bloody faces and intimidating (yet unnecessary) screaming...it was entertaining, I have to get that out there. It lost its allure after a while. It was only funny when it was obvious they screwed up somehow, and were quickly scrambling to get back to the 'script' they're following. Most people I know not only refrain from watching it, but they also say it has been quite some time since the last time they did. Well I'm here to tell you that not only has it not gone away yet, but it is just as popular (if not, more) as it has been in the past. I am sure most of my readers are either surprised or they have actually skipped to the next paragraph because they simply don't care about wrestling at all. With that said, I'll test my readers by saying I am not originally from Earth. I am from the Reamulak Galaxy, and I call Reamoutalot my home planet. Explains a lot, huh? Anyway, a long time ago, there were pop culture icons in the world of wrestling, and now there are nothing but roid-heads that are greasier than a bucket of KFC. Nobody cares anymore, I assure you. I don't think it'll go away any time soon, if ever. It still surprises me just a little to have to accept that fact.

Just before his devastating finishing move...the Turd Tickler.

That's when he takes his finger and...actually, you don't want to know.

For those who skipped the previous paragraph, I promise you didn't miss much. Nothing alarming at all. Just another mention of something that still has a place in our society. Maybe I'll come up with more things like these. I've got all the time in Reamoutalot...I mean the world.

D.