"Do you work out?"

(All parties involved mentioned in the following story are referred to strictly by nickname. Except for my own. I don't give a crap, you already know who I am. Carry on...)

Some of my readers already know this story. Some may only know enough to joke along with me about the fact that I work out regularly. The rest of you have no idea why it would even be worth joking me for...until now. I will preface this story by saying that, if I had no witnesses to the event, I'd have taken this to the grave. Unfortunately, there was a Scotsman nearby that I know would never let me live it down. Luckily for me, I can take just as much as I dish out, so I let it be known I can handle it when I get joked on for it. So without further ado...

I'm drawing a blank on the exact date, but I know it was either the last week of January or the first week in February. All I remember is it was like Leona Helmsley outside...cold, bitter, and unforgiving. Spring resets were just starting at Home Depot, and three of us were sent to assist the Williamsburg, VA store for two days. Biff, the Scotsman and I were assigned the bay of Echo trimmers and all of the walk-behind mower bays. The first day was spent mainly on the trimmer bay, which was quite the labyrinth to figure out on the first shot. That reminds me: I'll have to tell everyone Biff's take on condoms after this story is complete. Oh, and the break time that a bird had an interesting way of sending the Scotsman a message. That's right...I'm not the only one who came away with a story to tell. Anyway, day two...mowers, which is where things got interesting.

I want to try to set the stage for you. Originally, these mowers were set on a very slight incline and had a shelf just above the handle for overstock. Our task was to remove the overstock shelf entirely, install a new background banner (which the Scotsman and I did in 10 of 12 stores...not fun at all), set the mowers at a steeper incline so they are better viewed by customers from the floor, and then setting the displays, tagging, etc. When it came to removing the shelves and installing the banners, we were high enough in the overhead that it was wise to have a full body harness and a safety lanyard to prevent any slip and fall accidents. The more important aspect as far as this story goes is not the safety part, but rather that when you are strapped in and working up there, you really have nowhere to go. You're like a dog on a leash that's attached to a clothesline, except you have about 8 feet to roam and it's a little more...physically constricting.

So I'm up there, harnessed in, doing my thing. The Scotsman is at ground level prepping the tools we need to put the banner up. Associates in aprons are walking around aimlessly, focused more on supervising our actions than worrying about helping customers/driving sales. An elderly man (had to be in his 80s) is looking at light bulbs and is looking around for anyone to help. He spots me in the overhead, sees my orange polo, and here's what followed:

Old Guy: "I see that you're busy, but I was hoping you could help me with something..."

Me: "Sure, how can I help you sir?"

O: (Holding a different light bulb in each hand) "Which one of these is brighter?"

Me: (Pointing to a nearby fixture) "Well there's a display right there, you can actually place your hand underneath each light to see which one you like the best."

O: "Oh my, I didn't even see that...thank you so much, you've been so helpful!"

Me: "No problem sir, you have a good day!"

He takes a minute or two to decide, picks one, heads toward the registers and I'm left there thinking 'case closed'...

I was so wrong.

He meanders on back to me, and my life changed forever...

O: "Sir, you were so helpful before, I was just hoping you could help me again..."

Me: "Absolutely, what are you looking for?"

O: "Do you know where I can find water filters for a refrigerator?"

Me: "If you head back toward our appliance department, there should be a rack near the fridge displays that has all of the different filters to choose from...there should be an associate in the area to help you pick the right one."

O: "Thank you so much again, you have been a great help! On a more personal note, you look like someone I'd like to be a friend of..."

Me: (????????) "Oh yeah?"

O: "Yea, because you look like you work out...do you work out?"

Me: (???????????????) "...sort of..."

O: (Smiles sheepishly as he slowly walks away...)

So after you're done laughing, all I can say is I was hit on by an 80-something year old man in Williamsburg, VA. How many people can say that? Just this guy. I wish that weren't the case, but such is life. As I said, I get joked on for obvious reasons, but I find it rather amusing when someone asks for my help and I make sure to reference that it must be because I work out. There's really only two things you can take from a story like this: you need to be able to laugh at yourself, even when it may bother you...that and be very wary of old men in Williamsburg.

So off of me, and onto the other short stories. First Biff. The three of us are working on putting banners up for the trimmer bay, and we find that two of the banners are too wide for the spots they are meant to be, so we have to make adjustments to said banners to fit the dimensions as necessary. After a couple of cuts and bends, we completed the task the best we could. Biff, who makes off-color jokes that he is actually famous for amongst the team, then says, "You just need to fit it to the shape of the bay...kinda like a form-fitting condom." The Scotsman and I exchange puzzled looks, to which Scotty replies, "Aren't they all...?" Biff walked away with a smirk on his face. Classic Biff moment.

Finally, the Scotsman and I were outside on our break so he could smoke. We're standing by his white VW GTI, just chatting it up, when we both notice birds beginning to migrate from a wooded area nearby. I don't mean like 20 or 30 birds...we're talking thousands. That is no exaggeration, there were tens of thousands of birds flying overhead. The amazement of the sheer volume of birds just kept our attention. After about 5 minutes of this, something suddenly hits the hood of his car and falls to his feet. We look down at the object: a piece of chewing gum. Another exchange of puzzled looks ensued. We drew up a few conclusions:

1) The bird saw a nice clean car, didn't have to take a crap, so instead drops some random object on his car out of spite.

2) The bird believed Scotty had bad breath. It was just a more direct way of telling him.

3) Both of the aforementioned.

All in all, the reset was not fun, but it sure had interesting moments that we'll never forget. And if we do forget, we'll always have someone to remind us...

THE END

Old Guy

Biff

The Scotsman

Me

D.