...guess who's baaaack??

That's right, folks. Johnny Mullet, the Reamer & Writer himself, has returned.

Did you miss me?

You know you did. The sooner you admit it, the sooner I can get back to business and the better off we'll be.

So here's what's been going on in my world lately:

- My base of operations has relocated. It was a long time coming and not a short process when all was said and done, but I am finally settling in. Let's just say I didn't leave the beach, I just went to a warmer one...with less military...no military, to be exact.

- I transferred locations for my actual job (this blog doesn't exactly count as a job). Work has been keeping me busy and tired...too tired to attempt witticism. Oh well, I can't please everybody.

- After my move has been the inevitably slow task of unpacking, organizing, sorting and cleaning. Again...these are tiring activities. They take priority.

- Then came the news of a close loved one passing away, and a trip of nearly 11 hours to be there in time for the services. Not ideal by any means.

So things have been a little hectic around me, to say the least. I'll get back into the swing of things soon enough, don't you worry.

In the interest of giving you all some form of entertainment, I'll give you a few things that have been on my mind lately while driving. Brace yourself...there's some IQ-droppers among them.

1) So I was driving along one of these local roads, barely paying attention to the surroundings, but rather the task at hand...driving (it's a novel idea, people...put the phone down and try it sometime). Up ahead was a painted sign that said exactly this: "HOT-BOILED PEANUTS". Alright, umm...whoever painted the sign needs to be bludgeoned with one of those barbed-wire bats. Remember how I talked about how that little hyphen works exactly? The first word acts as an adjective to describe the verb with better emphasis or definition. So when somebody says "hot-boiled", they are doing several things wrong:
   - Redundancy. Boiling implies hot. Very f'n hot, to be precise.
   - Involuntary Implication. By saying that, you're willing into existence the possibility of "cold-boiling". Something tells me that someone willing to attempt this will be very seriously harmed. I'll find it tough to feel sympathetic at that point as well.
   - General Lack of Intellect. If your poor grammar and kindergarten-level painting skills are any insight into how you are as a salesman, or just a human altogether, I'm amazed you make any money at all. Let's just pray your neighbors don't give you any competition because they're smarter than you and they don't bother trying and embarrassing themselves. Otherwise, they've already tried and failed, making them surprisingly dumber than you. Congratulations. You're not guaranteed to be the village idiot. The jury is still out on that one, though.

"Hot Boiled Peanuts" actually makes sense. That sounds more like boiled peanuts that are served hot. Much better. Don't add a hyphen...never go full retard.

2) I'm not a fan of terrible drivers. We all know this. I've talked about it before. Here a couple more things to consider:
   - In a multi-lane road, if you are driving behind me in the next lane, please do me a solid and make your mind up.. pass me or fall back a bit. This is a simple request, so I urge you to give it some thought. Do not coast in my blind spot. We all have blind spots. You should know where yours is, so I'm sure you are not particularly fond of those individuals that make it a point to stay in yours. There's a damn good reason they call it a "blind" spot, meaning there is no reason you should be in it.
   - If I see you are going too slow, and I'm approaching your back bumper, that would be your cue to move the hell over to the slower lane so us good drivers can be on our way without you impeding progress. If you don't move over, then I pass you on your passenger side, and then you decide to change lanes behind me, please explain...why bother? Did it only occur to you that your driving speed is exceeded by a slug travelling uphill when someone just blew your doors in? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you should be painting signs for "hot-boiled peanuts".

3) I saw a dealer's decal on a car the other day that made me laugh out loud. It was simply named "Dick Smith". First of all, make the decal worthwhile and tack on " 's Used Autos" or "Auto Traders" or something to that effect. Think about it...locksmiths are great with locks, gunsmiths with guns, and so on. What do you want me to think when you say Dick Smith? Who would want to be known as a Dick Smith? Definitely not this guy. I guess we should be thankful, though. It didn't say "Dick Smith Infiniti". I might have crashed my car while doubled over in laughter. You would have too...don't deny it.

That will be all for today. Check in again soon. Reamer...out.

D.

Holidays are not for us...

That's right. Holidays are not for us...they're for the children. I really wish everyone could get that through their heads once and for all. How did this bit of aggravation come up exactly? Well, as we all know, yesterday was Halloween. Even though that rotten bitch Sandy ruined it for a lot of candy-craving-kids on the east coast, the fact is the holiday has come and gone. So amidst the many different conversations that myself and the roommates were having, one of them mentioned something that her coworker said. I can't quote the woman because I wasn't there when she said it, but it was something to the effect of not recognizing or celebrating Halloween because it was the Devil's holiday. She said that her children would not be trick-or-treating for that very reason. She even went on to brag about the "extensive research" she did (which I'm wondering if she went past the first two paragraphs of the wikipedia version of Halloween), so she must know what she's talking about. I'll be the first to throw the 'bullshit flag' on this one (similar to a penalty flag in football, but instead of yellow, it'd be dark brown). Maybe she didn't know she could scroll down. Maybe the table of contents was far too short for an intellectual such as herself. On the contrary, maybe it was too long and she felt intimidated enough not to read any further. Whatever the reason, this woman needs a heavy dose of reality, she can eat crow for dinner, then for dessert she can have a nice big slice of humble pie. With all of that said, I'm going to list a few holidays that I believe we really need to shift the focus back to making children happy, because that's what they're all about.

"Tussin" is slang for "reality"...so come get some, lady.

Alright, so Halloween...like I said, I've already had to throw the bullshit flag thanks to some ignorant wench. I linked you to the wikipedia page already, and if you happen to read past her "extensive research," you'll find out what Halloween actually represents. The day is meant to acknowledge the saints and pay their respects to the recently deceased. In short, it's showing respect to those who have died. Obviously a lot of the beliefs from this holiday come from particular religions, so I can understand if any one person's religion is not associated with the holiday. I get that. A lot of people go on with their lives either accepting it or not giving a damn at all. Would you like to know why? Like many other holidays, Halloween hasn't necessarily lost its meaning, but it just takes on a different approach in modern society. Way back when, candles were lit and vigils were held, which is not too far from what we do now. Many of the costumes and practices reference the dead, whether it be in a joking manner or not. Candles are lit, except instead of being in skulls, they are lit in hollowed out pumpkins with creatively designed cut-outs for the light to shine through. That's all fine and well. Honestly though, Halloween is a day that licenses kids to dress up like a total jackass, go out in public with their parents walking behind them, embarrassingly claiming these disguised creatures, and they get rewarded for it by receiving five pounds of sugary, chocolaty sweets. What kid doesn't want that? Now in all fairness, there are adults that have enough of a sense of humor and an inner child that come out in their own costume efforts, which is absolutely fine. I am not questioning them at all, especially since I am one. We're not going to talk about the fact that for the past two Halloweens, I have been gigantic, walking, talking sexual innuendos, and why is that? That's because I don't need a holiday to be an idiot. I can do that just fine on my own. Allow these kids to have a night to pretend. We all get so caught up in reality that we don't even take a chance to use our imaginations anymore, so restricting children from that is passively cruel. Let kids be kids, let them dress up and have some candy. One day a year is not too much to ask.

It's not their fault they haven't seen Brokeback Mountain...just sayin'.

Christmas is another obvious one. Once again...heavy on the religious background. I won't even delve into that, because whether you are a Christian or not, I'm sure you know the story. If you still don't, just google it. I'm not going to post a link to something that's so familiar to everyone. Gifts are a wonderful thing. You'd be lying through your teeth if you told me you didn't like getting gifts. If you told me you would rather give than receive, that's a different story. That's a person after my own heart. I get more enjoyment in gift-giving knowing that I can put a smile on someone's face, make their day or even create a lasting memory for that person. I put a lot of thought behind the gifts I hand out because they are well worth the time and effort in finding the right one for the right person. Honestly though, this is another thing that, whether you want to argue about commercialism and capitalism centered around a certain holiday, it should be directed at the happiness of our youth. Yea, so you're ecstatic that you got the Chappelle's Show DVD collection, a Keurig and a mechanic's tool set...congratulations. You're also an adult. You can find many productive things to do with each of these items (yes...even the tool set...). That's not what makes the holiday so special, though. How about the look on a five-year-old girl's face when she opens that huge box and realizes it's the dollhouse she wanted? What about the big set of Legos that a young boy receives? Suddenly he's wanting to be the miniature, multi-colored architect that builds his own dream house. Remote control cars, video games, board games...all of these things are meant to make kids happy. That's what we should be preaching. Sure, we as adults should be able to enjoy our time as well, but isn't it safe to say that it's a whole lot better (peaceful, relaxing, satisfactory, etc.) when the kids are pleased? Make that the goal.

Go ahead...open it...I'll give you a hint: it's not a unicorn.

One that you may not immediately associate with kids is Thanksgiving. As far as what we were all taught in school, Native Americans and pilgrims lived in perfect harmony and had a great feast together with the intent to give thanks for everything they had. That's not exactly how it went in reality, but that's beside the point. The message is clear, and that's what's important: to be thankful. It's not an easy story to correlate with giving thanks without convincing kids that all was well with the world as we know it back then. Is that what you'd consider lying to kids? I'd go as far as saying that maybe it's a little white lie, but it's not meant to harm them or their psyches in any way. We all heard the accepted Thanksgiving story, then most of us came to realize that it wasn't quite so peachy, but guess what? You're okay. Your life went on and it didn't ruin your world. If it did, see me after class, so I can recommend a good therapist for you, because you are in desperate need. Instead, think about Thanksgiving this way: this holiday is a tool for us adults to teach kids to be thankful for everything they have. Life isn't always going to hand them prizes, awards, benefits or any other wonderful thing they're acquiring as adolescents. It's best that we make sure they know to be appreciative. It will be of tremendous help to them in their futures if you really think about it. Things didn't exactly work out according to 'plan' for me throughout my life thus far, but I know I still have it a lot better than some other people do. They are far worse off than I am, and I am thankful for my privileges, possessions, the lessons I have learned, favors done for me, help I have received...all of that. It's time we pass that message along, because logically and appropriately so...they'll thank you for it later.

Suddenly, sitting at the 'kids table' seems a whole lot more racist.

There are some other holidays that could qualify, but I think these stand out way above the rest. If you disagree, well that's fine...but I'm right. It must suck to be wrong...I wouldn't know. As for that...I'm thankful.

D.

Green Bay Jokesters

I've posted a few commercials lately that I have found to be ridiculously funny. As of late, a theme within these commercials has begun to emerge. There is one NFL team that has a few players that are putting themselves in the public eye by way of humorous advertisements, while not excluding themselves from their own jokes. To me, that's the true test of comedy: if you can't laugh at yourself, you shouldn't be joking on anyone else. The most popular players on the Green Bay Packers have successfully passed that test. Many of you have seen these ads already, but if you're like me, you could always watch them for a good quick laugh.

The first is quarterback Aaron Rodgers doing a commercial for State Farm Insurance:

Next is wide receiver Greg Jennings on an Old Spice ad:

...and another:

Finally, linebacker Clay Matthews does a commercial for Fathead:

I can only imagine what that locker room is like. There are probably non-stop jokes, pranks and an overall fun and entertaining atmosphere, which is how it should be. It's pretty refreshing to know that these men haven't let the game of football get to their heads. Sure, money and fame are great motivators in endorsement deals, but at least they're enjoying themselves in the process.

That is all.

D.

Your House Is Not A Mess

How dare you have those pillows just haplessly laying there...

Here's a phrase I hear all too often when going to somebody else's house, apartment...whatever they happen to live in:

"I'll apologize in advance, but my place is a mess..."

It's either that or some close variation of it. I can understand the concern that the person would have when inviting someone into their home for the first time, considering they want to make a good impression in every way possible, but honestly, I've yet to be welcomed into a home that made me feel awkward in any way because of how messy it was (usually there's some other reason you make me feel awkward in your house...just sayin'). I'm going to break this down a bit into some thoughts of mine about each time this phrase has been spoken to me.

1. The house isn't a mess at all. That's right, you're making a huge deal over nothing. There's a pair of shoes laying by the front door and a stack of mail next to an empty drinking glass on the end table next to the couch. If that's what you call a mess, all I can say is you need to dial your expectation level down a notch. When someone leads me to believe their place is filthy, I'm thinking there's dog toys all over the place, dirty dishes everywhere and nobody has dusted since Kennedy was president. Instead, I walk in and the place is damn near immaculate, and I'm left searching for this so-called mess. I'd say if there was a pizza crust sitting next to a lamp with someone's underwear hanging from it, then we'd need to have a little chat. Otherwise, relax. Your house is far from a mess.
2. I am not there to judge you based on your home. If anything, I'm already judging you for other things. Hey, at least I'm being honest. Seriously though, I am not exactly a neat-freak, so who am I to judge the cleanliness of someone else's place? That's not to say that I leave my underwear hanging from lampshades or anything, but I'm also not going to vacuum my room every other day or so. I'll put in the effort to clean it up when I want/need it to be spotless. Besides, if I already know you fairly well, I can pretty much determine how neat of a person you are, and nine times out of ten, that translates through the environment you surround yourself with. If you're a slob in public, I'm not really setting the expectation bar very high for where you live. If you're a very neat, organized person, then I'm sure you're one of these people that warns their guests of what they think is an in-home war zone. Thanks for the warning, though.
3. I am capable of withholding my commentary in case I am uncomfortable. Once again, I am the guest. With that said, If I do feel like I walked into a war zone, I can keep my thoughts to myself. I am not looking to embarrass anyone in their own home. Who knows...maybe there's some personal stuff going on in their lives that I don't know about, and their priorities are a little more centered on things other than cleaning their whole house just for me. I am not one to criticize somebody else's house in case their emotional well-being is a bit fragile at the moment. On the flip-side, if the place is spotless and is claimed to be an absolute disaster, I also keep my comments to myself. Perhaps this person has OCD, and they're not very receptive to how great their place looks, because to these people, it can always use a little improvement. I've learned through personal experience to avoid any form of conflict with someone with OCD. Take my advice...if you don't, you may end up with a crazy bitch punching and kicking the interior of the passenger side of your car. Don't say I didn't warn you.
4. You are not a hoarder. If you were, I'd likely already have that one figured out and I wouldn't go to your house in that case anyway. For good reason, you've thrown away all of your trash from your visits to McDonald's, your empty CD cases, the magazines of no value from 1997, and the broken furniture that you no longer need. If you do have any of these things in your home, you might need counseling, an intervention, or just a damn dumpster. All three might be the true solution.

Please don't worry about the condition of your home. I know it's common courtesy to 'apologize in advance', but with me you certainly don't need to.

As long as you fit my criteria, that is.

D.

This is a test...

No, seriously...this is a test.

You should have studied...

For those of you who have been reading this on a consistent basis, every so often, just recently or for the very first time, I'm looking for your input. I don't think I'm going to object to 'suggestions' necessarily, but that's not exactly what I'm after here. If you do have some ideas that I haven't written about just yet, toss them my way. Who knows? They may get used in the near future. Here's what I am looking for, and I encourage you to leave your answers in a wall post/private message on my Facebook page (assuming you know me), a comment on this page, a text message (assuming you really know me), or some other method of communication that you come up with (I haven't perfected telekinesis, but you could try...I need the practice). Here's what I want to know:

1. Rate this blog 1-10. I'm not expecting all 10s...nobody's perfect. I'm just damn close.
2. List your favorite post thus far. Knowing my life, the best has yet to come.
3. Write something you believe I would find funny, interesting, new or all of the above.

I haven't decided if I'm going to post the results (semi-anonymously, probably only using initials) in a future entry or not, but I will take each one into consideration. Whether that means you love it, I need to improve it, I should stop ranting about stupid shit all the time, or some other version of computerized, confidential, collective, constructive criticism, I'll absorb it into what I come up with as I go along.

I'll leave you with my own answers to those 3. They say you are your own worst critic...

1. 7
2. Stop Enabling Your Kids
3. Today I found out there was a Nazi-themed sitcom that aired for one episode. Think I'm just blowing smoke? Here you go.

Now it's time for your input. I'm your roast...baste me. (Sounds kinky, huh?)

That's me. Go on...I'm ready...

D.