Where Do These People Come From?

An amazing thing happens when you venture off to certain locations in what most would deem common destinations, some more common than others. I'm sure all public venues experience it to some degree, but I'm sure most people will agree with me that the few I have in mind certainly stand out. What I'm talking about are the random miscreants...the creepiest of the creepy...the dregs of society that crawl out from their caves, dungeons or display sheds in Home Depot parking lots and present themselves to the general public. Us common folk, at some level, already believe we are what we would like to think is normal. I don't know if their sudden emergence has to do with the lunar cycle or if there's a secret alliance of mutant humans that gathers in a few particular venues, but I will provide you with a short list of the ones that have stood out to me as high quality people-watching spots.

The most obvious of all: Walmart.

The only establishment on my list that has a website dedicated to the true home of the public display of poor lifestyle and fashion choices. If you have yet to visit www.peopleofwalmart.com, it can provide entertainment for hours. I know that I don't have to go into a detailed discussion of some of what you see at Walmart because to some extreme or another, we have all seen someone or something that has inevitably corrupted your mind and seared an image into your memory that you want to forget, yet you know you never will. Whether it be a motorized shopping cart being driven by what appears to be a mid-sized elephant with human children closely following, or a man dressed as a streetwalker wearing high heels and booty shorts (see above) who looks like he would normally drive a taxi or own a shady pawn shop, or possibly a family of four that arrived in not only the same outfit, but also proudly donning their magnificent mullets (that one I myself witnessed in Virginia). For some reason, these people (and the many more that I did not describe) view Walmart as some sort of safe haven for looking and acting like a total buffoon. I even wonder if some people actually and purposely are at home looking halfway decent and then actively attempt to appear like a total slob. It's not like they just roll out of bed looking that way...that takes effort!! Some would argue that these people "don't own a mirror", but I know that can't be true. These individuals surely have the need to admire themselves before leaving the house, so my thought on this is what is the condition of said mirror? Is it warped? Was it acquired from an old carnival fun house? Is the reflection some alternate dimension that makes everything look sophisticated and fancy? If it's not a fun house mirror, did they purchase it at Walmart? That will surely prevent me from buying a mirror there. I would actually appreciate if one of these people I'm criticizing now would give me what they believe is a reasonable and valid explanation as to why they do what they do. Is their goal to entertain as many witnesses as possible? Do they view us as weird? I'm truly curious. Please someone enlighten me with their first-person insight and get back to me.

Rock concerts. Those can become quite the place to crawl out from under a rock to attend. Now let me say this: I try to speak from experience, and the majority of shows I have attended have ranged between a tame rock band and some intense heavy metal. With that said, I am not implying rock concerts are the only ones that draw in an odd crowd, but something tells me they are certainly the most common. For instance, I'm not talking about a group of 50-somethings that all went out to a Jimmy Buffett show with their matching Tommy Bahama palm tree print shirts and their Banana Republic khaki short shorts, garnished with socks and sandles. That's far from extreme, that's just extremely lame. I also feel like it has become the norm for the country music fan, their typical attire consists of the oldest jeans they own saturated with cow shit and motor oil, no legitimate t-shirt and a homemade plaid button-down shirt-vest that they meticulously cut themselves with the nearest sharp object they could find at home and conveniently left unbuttoned so everyone can check out their (fl)abs. (This applies to the male concert-goers, because those women that attend...you keep wearing them Daisy Dukes and whatever limited amount of fabric you call a shirt, who am I to stop you from enhancing my window-shopping experience? Ok, sorry...typical male moment over.) Some fans of rock and roll bands are more dedicated to looking the part than most other genres. Take KISS for instance: I'm not sure if there is a more loyal fan following in the rock genre than there is for KISS, if not in the sense of loving their music, then they make up for it with their commitment to dressing the part. It's not so much that their costumes are "crazy", so to speak, but the effort is absolutely evident. The detailed face paint, spandex and bondage-esque body armor is practically an accepted part of being in the KISS Nation. Want something more intense? How about Gwar? If you've never heard of them, the over-the-top costumes and makeup they wear on stage only further encourages their fans to show up looking like they just got off the set of a bad horror-porn about bloody mutated animals doing unimaginable things to one another. It's about as bizarre as it gets. My most memorable experience was surprisingly my first concert experience: Tool on Halloween night. Without making it a long drawn-out story, all I can tell you is that it was actually difficult to determine whether or not some of these people were dressed up for the band or the holiday. Fantastic show though. Anyway, the whole point of this is that these people exist in society in plain clothes for what I hope takes up the other 99.99% of their life. Either they lurk in a dark hole somewhere and wait for these shows to come to town or they incredibly clean up well enough to have jobs, hobbies and social lives and you'd never know what goes on behind the scenes. Maybe because I've never felt the urge to look like a murderous warthog on a steady diet of steroids and PCP, I still have a tough time grasping why these people do it. Perhaps I never will.

Laundromats. Let me start this one off with a positive comment about these people. The fact is that they are going to a laundromat with full loads of dirty laundry and they leave with what I am left to assume are clean clothes. The active attempt to not be creepy and dirty on an everyday basis is certainly worth noting. Alright, so back to the unfortunate truth about some of these vagrants is that some of them come in wearing dirtier clothes than the ones they are washing, or so it at least appears on the surface. Now I've heard the excuse that "today is laundry day", which apparently authorizes anyone to show up looking like they just spent the last three weeks sleeping in a sewer in close proximity to a toxic waste dump. On laundry day, if I require a visit to one of these places, I simply wear gym shorts and an older t-shirt, so basically workout gear. I'm not there to impress anyone, and even if I was, I'd be well-prepared to do a few push-ups to show off my guns (they're more like pea-shooters, let's be real). Definitely not my Sunday best, but not something I should have disposed of years ago either. It's scary to think that there was probably a back-up option that they passed over to instead wear something from the Derelicte Campaign. While that accounts for one-third of these people, there's another massive demographic to mention, with emphasis on massive. There are the women that could anchor a yacht with their sheer magnitude, yet they felt like today was the day to unleash their yoga pants. Just a reminder folks...you can gouge out your eyes all you want, but you can not gouge out your mind's eye. Those images sear into your memory bank like a flame-kissed steak. You are crippled with fear that their asses might actually be swallowing their pants with each strained step they take. Yoga pants are designed to stretch, but they are not limitless, and these women march on whisker-thin ice every time they squeeze every ounce of cellulite into that miraculous material. If that wasn't bad enough, they pair it with a top that has some sort of positive adjective that they believe describes them well, like "SEXY" or "BABYDOLL". They should say something more like "HUNGRY" or "BABY BACK RIBS". A little more truth in advertising, that's what I'm all about. Here's a novel idea...and I'll preface this idea by saying that it is cold-blooded and a bit mean, but the truth hurts...I challenge these individuals to cut their food budget in half. By doing this, they should be able to afford their own washer and dryer set, therefore saving them money, they melt away a hefty amount of human blubber, and they save money in the long run by not having to pay unreasonable amounts of money to wash their clothes in public. Three birds, one stone. Damn, I'm good.

These are by far not the only three places you bump into these Neanderthals, but to me, these are the three that stand out the most. I can think of a few more that are worth honorable mentions:

Bike Rallies - I really do appreciate motorcycle enthusiasts, but some of you people need to come to grips with some facts: you're not in your 20s/30s anymore, you've put on some weight in areas that leather does not compliment well, and you look, smell and sound like you've smoked since Gerber was your main menu option.

Gyms - This one gets an honorable mention because the overwhelming majority of gym-goers are in in pretty decent shape. They are what we like to call "regulars". The "irregulars" are the ones that go for 20 minutes, look around in confusion and leave, so they can say they've been "going to the gym every day". Fun fact: I once saw an irregular sitting at a weight bench with very light Dumbbells...next to her bag of Doritos. The worst part is she works in the same building as me. Amazing.

Beaches - This one wouldn't be fair to analyze because everyone goes to the beach. I'll just leave it at this: for some people, beach blankets should be worn, not laid on, and Speedos/banana hammocks...not okay. You keep those covered please, your little twig and berries are not for sharing. Dammit, there are kids around!

I'll leave off with this thought: I get to make these judgements because I myself am weird. Admitting is the first step, and it takes one to know one. In this case...I know a lot. Take it from me...you people are f'n weird.