Jesus Saves

You see it.

You hear it.

It's a phrase that even those who deny any and all religions as truth are familiar with:

Jesus Saves.

In case you couldn't already tell, I'm sort of a cynical thinker. Actually, not 'sort of'...blatantly. Well anyway, I was on the road on my way home from work one of these days when along came a 67-passenger church van with some super generic church title pasted on either side. You know the ones:

Our Redeemer Lutheran

Everlasting Peace Baptist

Saint John the Baptist Evangelical

The True Path Non-Denominational Church.

He Rose Again Seventh Day Adventist

Before I get to the real meat and potatoes (or the loaves and the fishes, for you Bible buffs) of my ramblings, I do want to point out the particular ironies in the church names I just made up (because YES it is that easy). The first two, Our Redeemer and Everlasting Peace I'll mention later on, for their irony is not yet relevant. Saint John the Baptist...well nowadays if you say you're a Baptist, you're not an Evangelical. Sort of like how Lutherans do zero teachings of saints and sainthood in general (go ahead...ask a Catholic), yet they have no problem naming a church after one because they lacked any cleverness. I know this because that's what I was raised to learn. Saint John was a religious prophet that performed many baptisms, and I am well aware that doesn't mean he's actually a Baptist by religion. If you're butt-hurt already, I suggest you exit stage right (Mac users, stage left) immediately. The True Path Non-Denominational is one I feel especially proud of. The simple irony here is that if there was a "true path" that would make it pretty easy to distinguish one denomination from the rest. Honestly though, non-denominational churches are the new euphemism for 'cult'. That's the greatest cop-out in the history of cop-outs. "Well we want to have a church to celebrate our Lord," (because not capitalizing 'Lord' would make me a heathen), "but we want our congregation to feel free to have their choice of beliefs while we teach them the way we look at it." Yea, that makes no sense, folks. These people are not pastors, priests, ministers...whatever. They are motivational speakers with a lot of money and no souls. The very fact that some of you are convinced they are more than that only confirms they are closer to being cult leaders than men of faith. All I'm going to suggest is please don't attend the Eternal Kool-Aid Lock-In they have planned for next weekend. Just sayin'. Finally, there's the He Rose Again Seventh Day Adventist church. This one is simple..."on the third day, he rose again." That is in black and white in that coveted book you love so much. Why worship the seventh day? Also according to that book, didn't God rest on the seventh day? You're making these people attend church on the day that the Bible says we should be sitting on our ever-so-fat asses at home so we can watch the game? Doesn't sound legitimate to me. My ultimate pleasure would be to find out that one of these church names is actually taken, and I would love to challenge the leader of said organization to defend their reasoning. I do enjoy a good debate.

Alright, so let's get back to the plot. "Jesus Saves." My cynicism begs to ask the question, "What does he save exactly?" All of these establishments would love for you to believe it is you he is saving. 

(Editor's note: if you aren't butt-hurt yet, but still have a feeling there is potential for you to get to that point, I strongly urge you to stop reading here. It's not going to get any more pleasant for you. Thank you for at least reading this far, and please check back for any non-religious-driven posts.)

Phew...they're gone. Thank God...oh wait...

Back to this saving concept. We are taught from the time we have any recollection from our youth that Jesus was God's earthly son who was crucified to save us from our sins. What I want to know is how is it that nailing a human being to a giant wooden cross suddenly saves everyone else in existence and future existence from all wrongdoing? So you're telling me that Ariel Castro is immediately forgiven because of Jesus' death, even after all that he did to those three innocent women in Cleveland? You're saying that James DiMaggio gets a free pass after murdering a mother and brother of a young girl he kidnapped because of his sick obsession, all because some guy died on a cross almost 2,000 years ago? Only if they repent, you say? Well that seems pretty fair, I suppose. All of these felonious individuals who suddenly "find God" after committing some of the most heinous acts are forgiven by that literal definition. What's that? Oh, they have to truly mean it too?! I guess that narrows the playing field a little, but the ultimate fact here is that millions of people believe this based purely on blind faith. I'd say that's the truest form of faith in all fairness, but you can never know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus was anything more than a prophet or a religious figurehead to give everyone else a high standard to live up to. That's not a negative thing by any stretch of the imagination, but anything beyond that is pretty difficult to accept as truth.

So let's say that hypothetically the whole "forgiveness of sins" and "saving your soul" thing is a wash. I would never argue that Jesus still doesn't save anything. If you don't know where I'm going with this by now, well then you may be one of the contributors to the largest business in existence. That business is the Bank...wait...Church of God. Jesus does save...your hard-earned money. Think about it, folks...no, really...really think about it. Where do those offerings go? I attended the same church growing up for over twenty years, then assisted with a youth group at another church for a few more, and neither church seemed to show any sign of structural improvement, at least none that directly benefitted the congregation. There were more glamorous statues and decor added to make the altar more aesthetically pleasing, but that's about all. Seriously, God could wipe his all-powerful, omnipresent butt with Bill Gates' bank statement. Luckily for the clergy, each one of them gets access to this holy account. All of them have a debit card linked to the Unlimited Salvation Savings Account...and it's all tax free! What a deal! You don't believe me? Have you seen the typical residency of a pastor, priest or some other religious figure? Humble is hardly the word I would use, especially in the cases of these non-denominational factories of deception. For example, in Virginia, one of these (cult) leaders flew to his church in his own personal helicopter every Sunday. It was only after nearby residents complained of the noise it created that he stopped doing that. Yea...way to "...humble yourselves before the Lord..." (James 4:10). Represented below is the actual logo of the Vatican Bank. Holy credit!

Remember those ironic church names I mentioned earlier? Let's touch on those for a moment. "Our Redeemer Lutheran." Oh yea, they redeem alright. They redeem your checks almost as soon as you hand it to them. Hell, you might as well just direct debit into that Unlimited Salvation account I was telling you about. Cut the middle man out. Actually, scratch that. The middle man is the church, comfortably seated right between you and your faith. You're actually feeding the middle man and allowing him to grow. It gets pretty uncomfortable when you have a fat middle man. Just imagine three seats on an airplane:

1. You have the window seat.
2. Fat middle man known as the church.
3. Your faith is in the aisle seat.

Wouldn't you like the freedom to just have that extra space by the aisle? Well too bad, because you're crammed into the fingerprint-smeared hazy window seat and Mr. Middle Man didn't put any deodorant on. You don't feel so great anymore, do you? It stinks, I know. Literally. These people represent The Church of Holy Cow.

How about "Everlasting Peace Baptist"? This one requires a little play-on-words in order to have the full effect of irony. It's either that or they literally misspelled one word: peace. It should be piece. "Everlasting Piece" makes more sense, really. Why's that? Well they have an everlasting piece of your paycheck each week. Go ahead and act like I'm lying. In fact, most churches not only keep track of the exact dollar amount they receive every week, but they are even so bold as to brag about it in the bulletin. They will gladly throw it in your face that they just raised over $30,000 in offerings, but they sure as shit aren't going to tell you where that money is going. Pastor Moneybags needs a new kitchen and wants to build an extension to the back of his house to entertain guests. I guess that would be a little too much information to share to the people that are paying for it. Father Falsehopes wants to upgrade from his Infiniti to a Mercedes, and you're going to make it happen, although you won't find out until he pulls into his designated parking spot. He won't thank you for your contribution either, since he is too ashamed to clue you in on who actually paid for it. The fact of the matter is as long as you keep showing up, his bills and luxuries will continue to be paid for.

Please understand that I've been a little jaded by churches because of how I have been personally effected by them in the past, so even though it may seem like pure bitterness in this entry, but I assure you that this was intended to entertain you and make you think a little. If you read through all this and find yourself livid, upset or personally insulted...you didn't heed my warnings. That's right...plural...warnings.

Looking back on my life, with all of my experiences and research on a topic of this nature, I'm beginning to think I went into the wrong business. Why be a blue collar worker when you can make the big bucks wearing a fancy little white one? Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Oh well.

D.