T.A.O.C. Part II

I have had one of those days that, between all of the tedious work and clueless customers I dealt with today, my mind was wandering far, far away. For those who know me well, that's pretty dangerous. As you can probably tell, I have quite the vivid imagination to begin with. When my thoughts are left free to roam, I come up with some wild stuff. Here are a few examples:

• People that use Twitter to update their every move
• Parents who bring poorly behaved children into public places mid-temper-tantrum
• The buffoons that dress up in costume when going to the theatrical release of a movie
• The names celebrities give to their children

These individuals are the next contestants in the second installment of:

They're All On Crack

Part II

We'll begin with the people that put the word 'Twit' in Twitter. I have always had a strong opinion about this website being one of the least appealing social media sites on the net. With that said, I can already hear the cries of 'hypocrisy' because I have an account. I joined in an effort to promote my blog some more. So far, I have posted one tweet that was not directly related to one of these entries or to promote someone else's venture. I am not one of the abusers of this status-updating waste of cyberspace. No, see...I don't feel the need to let everyone know I am sitting on the couch itching my bug bites, or to express my concern that nothing good is on t.v. at 6:12 PM, or even to enlighten people on my dinner plans. Do you know why that is? It's simple...nobody cares! No one wants to hear about how intense it was that you just picked your nose for fifteen minutes while sitting in traffic. They also don't want to know what ridiculous object you played with at Spencer's, yet didn't buy. I also assure you that there is no public interest in the barista that f*cked up your venti iced upside-down nonfat caramel macchiato with whipped cream and extra caramel. They probably screwed it up on purpose because they don't enjoy listening to someone take three minutes to spit out a drink order. I wouldn't be surprised if someone has been enough of a smartass already to tweet, "I'm currently typing my next tweet...aaand done." Facebook was quite successful in being the addictive site that allowed people to annoy others with frequent updates. Why did someone have to make it even easier for these people? By all means everyone, post funny quotes, recommend a movie, promote a band...just stop acting like anyone cares that you have next to no life outside of Twitter. Crackhead scale: 7.

I bet this woman has a job like...a financial advisor or a public relations specialist.

Do some work! "Bored at my desk" should not be publicly known.

Too many times I have been at work, minding my own business, counting down until lunch or my next break, when suddenly a blood-curdling shriek erupts from no more than fifteen feet away from where I'm standing. Everyone has seen or heard it...the obnoxious little creep of a child that finds it necessary to express his/her displeasure on where they are, or that they just aren't getting their way for that brief moment. In most cases, it's not the child at fault, though. This fact doesn't make the child any less of an obnoxious little creep, but it gives you a great perspective of how they got that way. Just look at the parents while that's going on: mindlessly indecisive on whether they want their tile floor to be cream or off-white, talking on the phone with a friend about their current home-improvement shopping status (bordering on Twitter, except vocalized), or even reading a product label to see if it's toxic because they're afraid their paint-chip eating child will give whatever it is a taste. Personally if you ask me, that would be survival of the fittest at its best, but you'll just think I'm being cruel. Whatever. Parents, please do the world a favor: discipline your children. It's bad enough I have to answer truly foolish questions from you, just understand it's not being made easier by the wretched yells coming from your demon spawn. Spank your kid. Go ahead. Please. It's not child abuse when you're simply sending a quick-strike message that says, "We're in public! Shut up and behave!" It's because you coddle your kids so much that they act like maniacal banshees. A spank every now and again will likely settle them down a little quicker. At that point, even the threat of a spank is enough to shut them up. Everyone (including yourself) will thank you for it later. Crackhead scale: 8.5.

These parents are very attent-.....HEY! Shut your kid up, dammit!!

Then there are the 'fanboys'. You know the ones: adults of either gender that feel the need to dress like Darth Vader, Frodo, an Oompa Loompa...whatever the hell they're into...when going to see the movie each costume relates to. First of all, these are normally people that are hidden under a rock during the day hours; the ones that only come out for freakish reasons/events because they are socially inept. These are some of the same cretans that come out of the lurk for many of the concerts I attend. Here's the difference between myself and them: I have a life. You know how people used to joke on others for playing Dungeons & Dragons, dressing the part and everything? Well these morons are today's equivalent of exactly that...except they seemed to have escaped their dungeons. If you know there's a huge blockbuster release of a movie coming, and you have to be first in line three days in advance in full character attire, let me be the first to tell you that you are a sad human being, and you seriously deserve to get your cape-wearing ass kicked. Go home, put some jeans and a t-shirt on, and introduce yourself to a minor concept called 'being normal'. In fact, you may not sweat your ass off in that unitard you're wearing underneath the thirty-five pounds of armor. That, combined with the likelihood you won't be mocked for looking like a jackass, will be something to consider the next time you feel like playing dress-up. Leave it for Halloween. Then, by all means, go all out. Otherwise, nobody is impressed, except you and whatever clan you went with. Crackhead scale: 10.

Trekkies...possibly the worst of them all.

I saved the best for last. At the end of this one, you'll have a link to read more of the names I didn't mention in particular. Here's my question: with the full understanding that 'originality' is the bullsh*t answer, what licenses celebrities to punish their children with names that will most certainly result in multiple adolescent ass-beatings? I know that people have the right to name their child whatever they please. What I don't get is why they have to take it to that extreme. I'll list a few examples:

• Jason Lee's son - Pilot Inspektor
• Ving Rhames' daughter - Reignbeau
• Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter - Apple
• Penn Jillette's daughter - Moxie CrimeFighter
• Nicholas Cage's son - Kal-el (Superman's birth name)
• Michael Jackson's son - Blanket

These are just a few that stand out to me. Jason Lee apparently said the name was influenced by some indie rock band. Not sure how the 'k' replaced the 'c' there, but whatever. Reignbeau, pronounced 'Rainbow', would be a little more weird if it wasn't a mildly creative play-on-words (reign as in royalty, beau as in beauty...calling her a 'beautiful princess' in a very roundabout way). As for Gwyneth...Apple? Really? That's the best you could come up with? Must have been the most fattening thing she's ever eaten. Moxie CrimeFighter: I don't even know where to start. Penn Jillette, you are a douche. There, that'll do for now. Mr. Cage, you pathetic super-fan. Knowing Superman is Clark Kent is more than enough for me. When your son finds out he has no powers, he might kick you in your nuts. Fair warning. Last, but certainly not least, Blanket. I'm afraid to even consider what was going through 'Thriller's mind, so I'll just be thankful he can no longer procreate. To me, it's pretentious enough when someone names their child like they've already been accepted to some fraternity or yacht club. 'Brantley' and 'Trista' will no doubt be treated to hazing from age six to eighteen. I promise you one thing, though: Brantley and Trista will be pardoned from their daily dose of ridicule when Pilot Inspektor and Moxie CrimeFighter walk into the room. If these kids reach their mid-twenties without murdering their parents, I'll be shocked. Stop giving your children names that resemble 'KICK ME' signs to other kids. You're not that original, you're just high or something. Link 1. Link 2.

Crackhead scale: ∞.

Remember this? Later, Michael said he was just "hanging his Blanket out to dry"...how profound.

Once again, kids...please stay off drugs. You don't want to end up like these imbeciles.

D.

Sneaker Appraisal

So I make my way home from work today, I walk the dog, grab the mail, pop open a beer and relax. As I go from my email to ESPN, I see a headline that just floored me. I'll link you to that story here in a minute. I'll just start by saying that when I was younger, having cool new sneakers was important in order to fit in. Not just to me, but to my peers as well. New sneakers stand out in a crowd. Whether that sounds silly or not, it's true. 

As I've grown older, my taste in footwear has changed dramatically. I was all about the high-tops, usually solid colors with very little excess design. More often than not, they didn't last. Then I wore New Balance sneakers. Not much for design, but comfortable as hell and they last a while. When I'm not wearing sneakers for comfort and support, I go with Chuck Taylors. They are simple, they fit great and the array of colors they come in make it easy to match with an outfit. Whether my mother paid for them or I did, in all of the years of needing new sneakers, I don't think I've ever owned a pair that cost more than $70. Why is all of this relevant? This is why.

The new LeBron X

Here is what I can never understand: why would someone pay $300 (give or take a few bucks) for a pair of basketball shoes? They couldn't possibly be worth that much. Some claim their shoes can make you jump higher. Some say they will make you run faster. All of them know that the average consumer that is already willing to spend $300 on sneakers will be gullible enough to believe them if they said those sneakers were made from the leathery skin of a sasquatch and polished with unicorn tears. Just slap LeBron, Kobe or Dwight Howard's name on them, and these shoes of myth become a must-have item. Many shoe companies will not release actual production cost statistics these days as public knowledge because they know they would have to drastically lower their prices to appease the ensuing riot.

Main ingredients for the LeBron X sneaker. On a side note, irony overload with the ghetto chucks on.

Another angle on this is the variety (or lack thereof) with these sneakers. When the shoes are designed, there are rarely any variations, and if there are, they're given a different model name (another marketing ploy, no doubt). Remember those Chucks I mentioned earlier? I own seven pairs, all different colors, one of them custom built online. The total cost of all of those shoes is equal to one pair of 'LeBron X' sneakers. I bought several pairs I can wear any time for any reason, and still keep it original. Owners of the LeBron X shoes will be able to wear them on the court...and that's about it. Oh, and I dare you to just come close to leaving a scuff mark on his new $300 kicks. You may leave the court bleeding from your face.

The only thing that I still can't wrap my head around is how they rationalize the pricing in the article.

"While many will be fixated on the price, Powell said it's being blown out of proportion. He estimates that Nike will make only about 50,000 pairs of the Nike Plus-enabled LeBron X's compared to 200,000 to 300,000 pairs of the regular version of the shoe, which he expects to sell in the $175 range."

 ...really?! So because it won't have the contraption inside of it that won't boost your vertical, but rather your ego, it's going for a moderately priced $175. First of all, that little piece of technology could not be worth $125. That's a lot of money to find out I have a 22" vertical (remember, white men can't jump). I wouldn't pay that much if it added 22" to my vertical. I'll stick to my $40 footwear, personally.

No hops...no soul.

I guess I can't convince anyone not to buy these shoes, especially if they already planned on getting them anyway. I'm just pointing out an obvious 'legal crime' (my own term for things that are so disproportionate that there should be a law to prevent it, i.e. astronomical prices for things that cost next to nothing to make). Whether you agree or not, well...that's your call.

I've got to go now, they just released the newest John Stockton sneaker, and I have to have it.

D.

Greatest moment in my life...so far...

Everyone has one. Or maybe a few that stand out as somewhat of a tie. Nevertheless you can pinpoint some particular moment in time, some event...just something in general that exceeds expectations of your everyday life. Mine is intangible, but also more real than I could ever describe. I can think of a few situations that could easily qualify for someone else's greatest moment, most of which I have not yet experienced, nor do I have any immediate plans to. Things change very rapidly in my life, though, so who knows what tomorrow will bring? I will delve into a few possibilities, followed by the greatest moment in my life...so far.

Here's one you may not think about right off the bat: your birth. Pretty hard to argue that the best moment in your life was the day your life began, right? Your parents, whether still together, passed on, divorced, or whatever the situation may be, are directly responsible for your creation. You can get mad at them, scream and curse at them or ignore them all you want, but you have to realize that without them, you would not exist. Profound, yet true. Denial of that fact is futile. I'm not telling you that you have to absolutely respect and appreciate each parent, given not all mothers and fathers are 'model parents', so to speak, but rather to better understand your roots. You are here on this earth, it's as simple as that. If you need further convincing, be glad you didn't end up a mosquito. Your life would last a maximum of a few months, everybody and every other living thing on earth would hate you and you'd be dodging spider webs, bug zappers, fly swatters and hands that want to flatten you all day, every day. That's no way to live. Be thankful for what you've got...life.

Not an actual mosquito...I am not responsible if you swat at your screen right now.

I'm sure there are guys out there (and even some women...maybe) that think the day they lost their virginity is the greatest day of their lives. Although the feeling is spectacular, you people are not exactly dreaming big on this one. Without getting graphic, sex is something that will take place for most people on a consistent enough basis that it's not exactly life-altering every time it happens. Guys, it may feel that way at the time...it's not. Oh wait...my mother is probably reading this. Of course a good Christian boy like me would wait until marriage to...oh who am I kidding? Sorry Mom, I'll stop now.

...that's not even funny.

Marriage! One of those things I have not yet experienced is next on the docket. I feel like I have experienced love, which is entirely too broad of a feeling to consider a 'moment', but I have yet to cross paths with the one I'm meant to be with. I could go off on a tangent on whether I truly believe there is just one woman out there for me, but it's not about that. It's that moment where you know that's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Statistically, there is no promise any marriage will last anymore, but (as a single male with no previous marriages, 'outside looking in' per se) I think there are entirely too many expectations between spouses that make it difficult to maintain that feeling over time. Too many people forget the day they stood in front of the altar, under the chuppah, on the beach or wherever the ceremony took place, that feeling that they felt complete. That person they vowed to be with, "until death do us part," filled a void in their life. I know I want that feeling at some point, and I know I'm not the only one. To pledge your love to someone to the day you die is not to be taken lightly. That's why I can understand the reasoning behind that being someone's greatest moment in their life. You can only hope that it's the greatest in their spouse's life as well, the way it should be.

She looked into his eyes and she saw...actually, I don't know what she saw,

all I know is she was brainwashed. Damn Scientology!

This is where the sex portion should have gone. Too late. That brings us to having children of your own. Again, no experience in this field for me (I promise that's true, Mom...unless you've already given up reading this, and in that case.......

...just kidding! No kids and none on the way, I swear!), so I'm basing this off of observation and opinion, that's all. I've already covered the concept of your own life, but maybe some people believe that being responsible for creating life themselves is even greater. The gift of life is precious, so it's easy to surmise that giving that gift to a child of your own is that much greater. You know the moment your baby is born that there is no other child like him or her (unless you have twins...or triplets...you know what I mean, shut up). Your baby is a symbol of two people brought together in one. How much more incredible can life get? Ask any parent, they'll tell you.

Who wouldn't want "Success Kid" as their baby?

No, my greatest moment is not the result of a marriage, sex or becoming a father. It's not when I graduated high school or attended an amazing university, or when I first pitched in baseball, or even when I scored five goals in a hockey game. These are all major events in my life, whether you find them petty or not. Nothing compares to the gift of life. It's not often you receive that gift twice, though. That concept is entirely up to perspective, of course.

For those who know me well, I don't have to explain. For those who don't, I am not here to divulge my entire life story. Most of you wouldn't want that anyway, I assure you. I'll just fill you in on the necessary details. A genetic illness has run through our family, having a costly toll on the one who contracted it, as well as those around him. The idea of being tested for the gene mutation in question had run through my mind every day since knowing that testing even existed. Over and over, I considered, then reconsidered whether I wanted an answer or not. I needed to know within myself that I was prepared for the best or the worst. It ultimately came down to needing the results, not only for myself, but for everyone else in my life. I decided it was time to find out whether I needed to plan for myself, my current family/friends and for whatever future family/friends were to come, or if I just needed to focus on 'the now' and be able to have inner peace. Three years ago, I went through the multiple required visits and appointments to get my answer, and on August 20th, 2009, I was back for my results. My mom and a few close friends were in the room with me as the doctor told me that the test came back negative. I would not be stricken by this terrible illness, and the cycle ends at me. I can not pass the disease on, and I am eternally thankful for that. That day, I was reborn. That day was host to the greatest moment in my life, and It will never be taken for granted.

The feeling is indescribable, though. Unless you have experienced some form of rebirth yourself, it is impossible to put into words. Since that day, certain things will never be the same. Silly stresses are easier to forget, bad days aren't so bad, good days are even better, and (although cliché) life goes on. It's not only that you are alive, but it's how you live that makes all the difference.

As for my sister, she was also blessed with the same great news shortly after me, so I am certain at least one other person can say the same thing. I hope when you figure out your greatest moment in life, you never forget it. Like I said, you only live once.

Well...sort of...

D.

The League

There's one show on t.v. that has absolutely everything a man could want from a half-hour-a-week escape from the norm. It combines football, gorgeous women, camaraderie and belittling your fellow man, all in the interest of priceless comedy. If you know me personally and haven't seen it already, I will gladly lend you seasons one and two on DVD to introduce you to this perfect display of genius witticism. 'The League' is without a doubt the best thing streaming on a hi-def t.v.

No caption needed.

The concept is rather simple. It's five guys and one of their wives from Chicago that are in a very intensely competitive fantasy football league. Deep down, they are all friends, but on the surface they are the most brutal, merciless clan of trash-talkers that will do anything to humiliate each other, even on the most personal level, in public or private, with no filter or hesitation. If you really break it down, it's fair to say that the majority of the show has little to do with football at all. It is the tie that binds them as far as the show's plot is concerned, but the show centers around the extremes of degradation that they put each other through. How can you go wrong with that?

There's far too much to describe about each character, but it's all summed up here. This link will make my post considerably shorter, but I don't mind...the last few have calloused my fingers a bit. Not really, my fingers are fine. Thank you for that brief moment of concern, though. I will warn those with virgin ears: their insults and shaming of one another get very graphic. Vulgarity is a mainstay in each episode, so be prepared to hear some foul, crude language. Here's a little sampling of what you are in for:

From the DVD extras. Andre's fashion.

This one is particularly vulgar. Ruxin trash talking.

I'm going to leave you with those to start off with. The only way you will find out about Mr. McGibblets, vinegar strokes, the ghost monkey, having a gutter palate, and Eskimo brothers is by sitting and watching this televised masterpiece. You could be lame and google all of the aforementioned terms and phrases, but what fun is that? Take my advice...watch the show. You'll thank me for it.

D.

We're Talkin' Baseball...

Amidst all of the negative press baseball has endured in recent years, mostly involving Performance Enhancing Drugs, or PEDs, this season has been pleasantly surprising in several ways. Sometimes there is a distinct statistical level of dominance of either pitching or hitting. 2012 has shown a very even distribution of both, but not without historically significant moments on both sides. The numbers I have researched for this entry are from Baseball Reference, and specific articles coming from whoever I feel wrote the most in-depth stories about each event. Then there are some observations of my own that I believe are well worth noting.

I'll begin with a close look at an incredible (official) rookie season that is too incredible to ignore. Mike Trout, the new starting center fielder for the L.A. Angels, is putting on a season-long show (ironically, he's not the first Angels outfielder with a type of fish for his last name; see Tim Salmon). His numbers are staggering, which are shown in the link provided. Any numbers in bold for his 2012 season means he is leading the league. Just for your information, the projected numbers shown on the link include his numbers from the 2011 season, which should not be reflected on this year. The reason why 2011 is not considered his rookie season is because, according to the Alias Sports Bureau, he didn't play enough games to qualify. After doing my own math, these are the projected numbers for a 162 game season:

• 131 Games Played
• .340 Batting Avg.
• 180 Hits
• 30 Home Runs
• 89 Runs Batted In
• 126 Runs Scored
• 51 Stolen Bases
• 68 Extra Base Hits

This even distribution of power, speed and incredible player instincts (that part is implied by the numbers and video evidence that you can find on a simple YouTube search of his feats) is rarely seen in many seasoned veterans. The three categories he currently leads in (avg., runs scored, stolen bases) are crucial elements in helping direct his team to victory. If you have played or still play in some competitive manner, you know that getting on base and creating opportunities to score is more effective than simply having power. He has shown the ability to not only produce runs, but also to drive them home as well. I will gladly and humbly say that it is refreshing to see a young player flourish in the league, and hope that it continues for a long time. Even if he has success against my Yankees: in 6 games played, he is hitting .407 with 11 H, 1 HR, 5 RBI, 6 RS, 4 SB and 7 XBH. Damn. Oh, and by the way, he is an excellent defensive player too. YouTube a few of his catches, they're no fluke (haha...get it? fluke is a fish too! So clever, I know). Congrats, Mr. Trout. Best of luck to you in the future as well.

Damn, that's a good catch...

Next we will look at a great pitching performance...check that, three. That's how many perfect games have been pitched this season. Phil Humber of the Chicago White Sox (vs. Seattle), Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants (vs. Houston), and Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners (vs. Tampa Bay) all accomplished this feat this year. For those not entirely familiar with the difficulty of this task, let me break this down:

• The starting pitcher must complete all 9 innings.
• He must not allow a single baserunner all game, meaning no hits, walks, hit-by-pitches or defensive errors (that's right, even the defense behind you needs to be flawless).
• Including the three instances this year, this has only happened 23 times in the history of Major League Baseball. It should be 24, but a blown call at first base by an umpire with two outs in the ninth inning cost Armando Galarraga an official perfect game. Read up.

An interesting side note here: three of the last six perfect games have come against the Tampa Bay Rays. For as good of a team as they are, it's incredible to see them frequent the list of losing efforts in these games. Anyway, think of the factors that are involved in actually pulling this off. You are facing major league hitters. These aren't high school, college or minor league players at the plate, but rather men that have made it to the big show. They are professionals at hitting a round ball with a round bat in a very consistent manner. For a pitcher to sit down 27 of these men in a row is phenomenal. Next, you should know that no man has ever accomplished the feat twice. Five men have pitched three or more no-hitters. Of those five, two have pitched a perfect game. With a combined ten no-hitters, neither Nolan Ryan nor Bob Feller ever experienced perfection. I understand that a great offensive game draws in more of a crowd's attention, but witnessing a pitcher just approaching the later innings without a blemish will redirect your concentration. I offer my congratulations to these men as well, and there's still plenty of time in their careers left...who knows if one could become the first to repeat.

From Right to Left: Matt Cain, Phil Humber, Felix Hernandez. Damn perfect.

Another anomaly from this season would be one player hitting for a cycle...twice. It had only happened three times before, and all of those times were dating back to 1931 and earlier. Aaron Hill of the Arizona Diamondbacks became the fourth player to do it, and the games in question were only eleven days apart. Let me explain the basics of hitting for a cycle:

• A cycle is when you hit at least one of each type of hit in one game: a single, double, triple and home run. 
• The most difficult of these is the triple. Triples are usually the product of where the ball is hit, how easy it is to field and how quickly the hitter can run the bases. I'm not saying hitting a home run is a simple task, but it is statistically proven to occur more often than triples.
• This has only occurred 293 times in history; considerably more frequent than perfect games, but rare nonetheless.

The other men to do this twice in a season had an interesting advantage in order to accomplish this. Back then, the ballpark dimensions were much larger than the ones used nowadays. This means the outfield wall (assuming there was one at all) was back far enough that inside-the-park home runs were much more common. A ball hit hard enough in the right place would make it easier for a player to round the bases for a triple or a home run. So when you see two players in the late 1800s hit for two cycles in a season, both only spanning one week between them, just understand that there was more real estate to hit into back then. I am not trying to discredit their shared record, but Aaron Hill's two cycles were harder to attain in such a short time span. So to continue the theme, Aaron...congratulations to you as well. That is honestly incredible.

Two cycles in eleven days. Damn.

One last event to consider is even more rare than the perfect game. Only sixteen times has it ever happened, and it is one more that has taken place in this already historic season. On May 8th, Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers hit not one...not two...not three...but four home runs in one game. It's impressive enough when two teams combine for four home runs in one game, if you ask me. This man, and fifteen others, did it all by themselves. An even more staggering fact about Hamilton's blasts: all four of them were two-run home runs, and all four times, Elvis Andrus was on first base at the time of each blast. The one time Andrus was unable to get on base, Hamilton was only able to hit a double. Only. We have known Hamilton to be a great hitter already. Even further, he is a great power hitter. He proved his might during the Home Run Derby during the 2008 MLB All-Star weekend. This man swatted 28 over the fence in the first round alone. That alone is astonishing, so the four home run possibility was already very much real. The derby was in old Yankee Stadium, so knowing his four homer game was in Camden Yards in Baltimore, it was a bit of a relief that it happened in an A.L. East rival's ballpark. A final congratulations goes to Mr. Hamilton, and it is well-deserved.

2008 All-Star Home Run Derby. 28 HR in one round. Damn.

What else can happen this season? There are still over six weeks of regular season games remaining, so don't rule out any possibilities. These players have proven time and time again that even the most rare achievement is within the scope of becoming reality. I hope I was able to enlighten you on how amazing this season has already been. I know I'm impressed...the way it should be.

D.